The bitterness

[grievingsister1]

Lost my sibling nearly two years ago to illness but struggling with the bitterness/unfairness.....not a pleasant emotion or way to be. I don’t want to be like this but am finding hard to work through the unpleasant and unkind thoughts I have.

Doesn’t anyone have any experience/advice? I don’t really want to go to counselling but am open to it.

*Does anyone

I lost a brother from a brain tumour when he was 39, I was 30. Yes, I was angry but I realised that this was nothing that either Chris or I could have done. It was random, nothing either of us had or would do would change it.

There is no right way to get through this, just do what you can and that will be doing the right thing.

I should also add it was just five days from diagnosis to death.

Thank you @OldBean2. So sorry about your brother, so sad.

Your advice seems sensible and has kind of been my motto for the rest of the grieving process so I should apply it here too...these things unfold in their own time.

I am sorry for your loss. I was very struck when an acquaintance described her thoughts about her loss - she said ‘I can’t think “why us” because if not us, it would have happened to someone else, it happens to this % people every year. its nothing we’ve done and no one deserves it’.

Two years is still early in terms of a major bereavement. Bitterness and anger are normal stages of grieving.
Allow yourself to feel these things - there’s nothing wrong with them.
If you’re a Christian, throw them at God and ask Him to deal with them. He can handle it better than your family or friends, if you’ve been taking it out on them.
Life is unfair, OP. Shit happens to good people as well as bad, and we all die. Some of us far too young. I lost my DH when he was 36, and I went through the whole gamut of rage, bitterness, grief, denial, overwhelming sorrow. I still have days when I cry, 26 years later.
But this life is temporary. I firmly believe you will be reunited with your sibling after death, (as I will be with my DH) when all wrongs are righted and there is no more sorrow.
I hope you reach a point in this life where you remember your sibling with love, and smile at the happy memories without bitterness.
Grief is not forever - but love is.
God bless, OP.

Thank you Eva and Babdoc, it does help to hear other people's perspectives.

I’m feeling very bitter and angry two years in. Not only with dBil for leaving us (unfair as he battled so hard against cancer), but for the absolute mess it’s left my kids, wider family and dh in. I’m carrying so much fury at the world that it’s making me ill. Both kids have been in counselling (hasn’t really helped) and I’m seeing my gp this week for some help. I feel like running away.

Sarah

It’s crap isn’t it. I am not feeling as bitter and raging as a month ago, no particular reason, other than that these things go in cycles.

I found a quote this morning, which I am trying to draw strength from:

“Losing touch with the capacity of love is the only thing that can destroy our ability to be happy”.

Am trying to think about what DB would want, and that is to, at least most of the time, be making the most of life and not being bitter.

That all said, I really think it’s important to let emotions come and not suppress them.

Would some physical outburst help you do you think? Like exercise or going somewhere remote to shout and scream?

It's still very recent, two years. Don't be too hard on yourself.

I find exercise or activity helps me. It could be soothing (yoga or a swim) or allow me to get rid of some adrenaline, so a really fast paced walk (my furious pace, as OH calls it) or a run. Sometimes I want to do something social but active, so we play table tennis, or go bowling, or rounders in the park. Releasing the adrenaline really does help me.

Thank you, I really appreciate the messages. Grief is also lonely

People don’t want to hear about it.

I’ve been trying to increase my activity levels and be out in the fresh air more, it definitely does help.

@SarahC40 was your GP helpful?

I agree 100% - it's a very lonely place to be. That loneliness can be good though, it gives you time to think it through on your own.

If you do need to talk, I can really recommend some sort of counselling service, via your GP. Strangers don't have the same personal attachment as your friends and family do, so you can talk about the real person, not just the edited highlights. You get to express how bloody angry you are.

My big brother was annoying, smelly, irritating and charming, and I loved him, the real him. I don't want him turned into a saint, as that's not who he was. I'm fucking furious that he didn't look after himself properly and that he died as a direct result of that. Furious. With him. If there is an afterlife, he's getting a massive slap across the head once I've hugged him.