Losing a parent to suicide

[Ennirem]

I recently lost my mother to suicide, and I am struggling to process it really. I've been trying to find more specific guidance online, but so much of what you bring up with a Google search for "parent suicide" is about how to support and help little children or teens. And also a lot of it seems to be fathers, and no-one had any inkling before they took their life that anything was wrong. I am 33, my mum was just 60 when she died. And she had been depressed since early childhood, had a horrible life, struggled openly and publicly with her mental health. She had attempted suicide several times, was accessing services, on anti depressants. But for whatever reason, on that particular night, she decided she couldn't fight it any more.

The guilt is overwhelming, the thought that if I'd just called her that evening things might be different, if I'd just given her a little reason to feel happy every day, messaged her a poem or a song I know she would have liked, if I'd supported her better...

I'd supported her a lot emotionally and financially over the years, and after having my daughter in 2017 I was dealing with a lot of belated resentment that our relationship has been that way, that she hadn't been a "proper mum" to me (whatever that means), and had made a conscious decision to draw back a bit emotionally and focus on my own family.

I wasn't calling as often, I was trying to be less partisan in the advice I gave her, and when she asked to sell her house and come to my city to live with me and my DP and family, I said no (nicely, but firmly). I thought this was the right thing to do for me and my daughter. She threw a strop with me (unfriended on FB etc) but came back to me after a few days and I thought we had got past it. I saw her two weeks before she died and she loved my daughter, seemed low but still fighting, doing really positive things to improve her situation, making plans for the future. And then the policeman came to the door.

She left a note with no mention of me whatsoever, just instructions for the care of her pets, some vitriol for her ex husband, and a declaration of love for her teenage sweetheart. Not so much as a goodbye,even though I was her executor in her will. So I can only assume she was still hurt and angry with me about the house, and only resumed communications because she needed the money I was giving her (which of course I wouldn't have stopped whether she was talking to me or not).

I just can't seem to do anything about the regret, which has a panicky feeling about it when it hits - that feeling you get when you remember you forgot to do something important, and you have to do it now - but it's too late, there's nothing, nothing that can ever be done. How do I ever get around that?

I don't know why I'm rambling on here really (too much wine tbh; channelling mum, she used to get sloshed ans maudlin and spill her guts l over Facebook, used to drive me mad and here I am doing the same...). Just wanted to know if anyone else has lost a parent to suicide as an adult, and how on earth you ever get beyond it?

Hello, I did not lose my parent to suicide but i read your post and could relate to a lot of it so wanted to reply, i also recently lost my mum, she was 60 and I am 35.

My mum died of an illness which had been undiagnosed until 6 months before. In the 2 years or so before her death she was unknowingly suffering from this illness and it increased her anxiety and depression. I also have small children and was at a point in my life where they had to come first, and I had to put up some boundaries with my parents, which on a couple of occasions meant that I upset my mum a lot.

Since her death the guilt about that has been unbearable. I try to remind myself though, that I had no way of knowing what would happen, and that going by what I knew at the time, it was reasonable to put myself and my kids first sometimes. I did spend a lot of time and effort on my mum and it sounds like you did too. It is easy to think we could have/should have done more but we were doing our best with small children to look after and with parents who required our support, and who were not able to support us.

Hi, I lost my dad to suicide 2 years ago. At least I think it was suicide, the postmortem was inconclusive. However, like your mum, his mental health had been poor for some time, in and out of services, on medication etc, although he was holding down a job and looked to the world like he was coping.

I was the last person to see him alive, and I found his body. There was no note, no closure. I am still in therapy, working through some of my guilt and trauma.

Please remember that suicide can literally be a split second decision for some people. It's often not a case of missed signs and cries for help but a truly impulsive decision to take what seems like the only way out.

The first thing I would say is I'm sorry for what you're going through. The second thing is that this is not your fault (but you know that already). You are not responsible for another person's actions (except for your children, up to a certain age). It sounds like you gave your mum a lot of support. There were lots of other people involved in your mum's care - do you blame them too? ( Genuinely not suggesting you should, just wondering if there's another way you can think about this).

There is a pdf available from Cruse around bereavement by suicide, you may find useful, and although most of the case studies in the booklet are indeed around bereaved parents,you may see some parallels. It seems like you have had a major parenting role for your mum.

Have you got any support to help you through this?