My first child was born with kidney failure from the minute the consultant told me I got on with it .... when I look back I have no idea how I got through it .... the operations the dialysis the appointments the constant worry off infection risk ..... considering he was so poorly it hardly ever affected his moods he was so happy all the time his laugh was infectious and everyone adored him! I was so young wen I had him it was so overwhelming for seven years we worked towards a kidney transplant he had dialysis four days a week when he changed to hemo ... me and my mum shared the care off my son to give me a break ... I also have a 5 year old daughter.... my son had to have a very routine operation last July to have his gastronomy tube changed he has had this operation before with no problems .... the day off his operation the surgeon day don't even engage with me or my mum .... but hey it's a very busy famous London hospital.... I just let it go over my head and thought he will back in recovery in a hour or two ..... but something went terribly wrong and the surgeon punctured his gut causing sepis to fill his body I won't go into detail but he battled everyday until one day in September they told me there's nothing more they can do ..... eventually the sepis will go to his brain .... I had to make the most devastating decision off my life and end the care ..... the heartbreaking thing was he was awake for a short period before hand but heavily sedated all he wanted was the tube out off his mouth and to go home I put on his favourite film and got on to the bed with him until he fell asleep and I nodded to the nurse and she started to withdraw the care he was so sick wen she removed the blood pressure medicine his blood pressure dramatically dropped .... me my mum and the most amazing nurse stayed with him and cuddled him told him he was at home now and as soon as Shaun the sheep finished he peacefully passed away in my arms ..... the grieving was beyond words I felt so guilty I felt like a murderer for allowing them to turn his life support off ....his one year anniversary will be in September and seems so quick I can't believe it's already nearly been a year ..... my son was my best friend but he lives on in my daughter and I'm grateful for that ....... I live everyday like it's my last ... it's taught me to be open about how I feel and to appreciate absolutely everything in life .... now I only think bout the good memories I had with my son and it makes me smile .... I was proud to be his mum as he was such a loveable character ...... I just needed to write this ..