I can't cope anymore

[dippyeggsandsoldiers]

I lost my dad in September last year to cancer. He was 51 and my absolute world. At the time I was a few weeks pregnant and on top of the world then all of a sudden my whole world came crashing down.

We were told it was terminal only a few weeks before he died. I'm at the point now where I can't even bear to look at photos of him or talk about him out loud because when I do it's instant tears and I feel sick. I'm not coping well at all.

I'm fine during the day because I have my beautiful DD to focus on, but at night when she's asleep that's when it hits me. I don't know what to do anymore.

He never met my baby, he was ecstatic when he found out we were expecting his first grandchild, but he never made it to meet her although he was absolutely adamant he would be.

I don't know what to do anymore, I'm sat typing this sobbing like baby, can anyone please suggest anything that will ease my pain?

I don’t know if this answer will be helpful in any way but time.

It is very raw and very painful still and also and at the risk of sounding a bit patronising you probably know that emotionally you are very vulnerable after having a baby and losing a parent in the midst of that is so very hard. It’s something of a paradox but we have the desire to be patented as well as parent.

Your dad lives on through you and your DD and all you can do as trite as it is is to live the life he would have wanted, which is doubtless one filled with joy and with love.

I’m sorry for your loss

I lost my dad a couple of years ago. I totally get you - it's so dislocating. One day I woke up and knew something had to change, and googled local counsellors - found a guy who was excellent at dealing with grief and the complex emotions around it.

I also think MN is a very good place for sharing the load.

Aw OP I feel your pain 🙁...I have been there too but with my mum I was in early 20s, when one minute she was here, the next gone!
My mums death was very unexpected and so so quick, just like ya fathers😔

My honest advice is , the pain is always there sweetie and it will never go away ever! But you learn to live with the pain. It does get easier but slowly💐

Might sound crazy OP but the way I handled my mums passing, was that I told my self we have had a falling out and I'm not talking to her!...crazy I know 🙄...but it worked!
It also worked for my friend when she lost her mum, as she asked me how do I cope with the pain and how did I get through it?
I'm still not talking to her now lol...6 years it's been!
I don't go to her grave as it is to real and raw OP....but I will one day...when that day is?...I have no idea but me thinking we just not talking had a falling out cause in my head she has left me, with so much pain and sorrow for dying and leaving me here!

Some may advice you to not follow what I have said and that is ok, as I'm just telling you OP how I and my friend have dealt with the death of our mothers.

Me and my friend joke and have a laugh about it, Which is good as it shows the healing process has started and we are getting there!

Just like you will get there OP

I'm sorry for your loss 😔....💐

Agree with previous two posters.

This is very, very raw still, even without the hormones and stress and sleep deprivation that a baby brings. It feels awful now, but you WILL get through it and it WILL gradually, become easier to remember all the good times, and tell your lovely dc all about him. It will happen.

Indeed, I've just bumped a post from Unanswered threads' of another poster who is a few months behind you on this journey (is pregnant and just lost her lovely Dad at far too young an age too).

Immortal has said it beautifully. It takes a lot of time and there will be steps forward and back along a long long road. It's unavoidably true that you have to work through your grief and that its physically and emotionally hard hard work. Some days after my mum died (before DD was born) I thought I would crack in half and stop functioning, the grief was like a physical wound, I could barely breathe, I did not know how I would move forward, it seemed impossible.
At times, I had to just set goals to try and get through the next minute and then hour and so on. And then one day you have a few minutes where you breathe and do something else without thinking about them. You feel shocked and guilty but it happens again and then a bit more and then a bit more and gradually its like a splinter growing under and into your skin. You never ever forget but you assimilate it into you and learn how to live with the reality. Some days, a decade later, it's like a sudden punch in the gut and I am briefly undone all over again but many days now I don't think of her, or I think of her fondly and as someone else I love but don't see.
If you are struggling, I really recommend Cruse. Fantastic charity. They can often ring you at home. See your GP to assess you physical resilience so you can look after your baby (it won't help if you are anaemic, not sleeping, not getting fresh air and exercise etc and they can give you some self care strategies) and maybe find a bereavement support group locally. Make it a rule do do one morning thing, one afternoon thing and one evening thing, even if its stuff like Health Visitor check, Pint of milk, Watch the tennis.
Tell yourself you have a grief hour and then you are going to hang the washing out at midday. I used to imagine my mum saying to me That's enough blubbing now, you need to get on for a bit, and weirdly it helped. I sometimes even laughed.
Hope some of this strikes a chord. Some may not suit you. MNetters are great at this and are sure to offer many better thoughts xx

Think everything that's been said above is really helpful. It's a cliche but time will lessen the pain. I found this 'fried egg theory' really useful and can see it actually happening as I reconnect with 'normal' life. www.google.com/search?q=fried+egg+theory+of+grief&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&client=firefox-b
Sending love and strength to you.

Thank you for all of your replies, I've decided to seek help from my GP to try and help me deal with this because I'm finding it too difficult. I haven't visited my fathers grave since the funeral because I can't bring my self to accept that he's gone. I miss him more everyday but as said previously he will live through my beautiful DD. She was actually born on what would've his birthday in March so I do find comfort in that.

I'll keep plodding on as I do! I've had my wobble, it's time to dust myself off and carry on.

Thank you for your beautiful words of advise 💗