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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Am so sad, low and angry

18 replies

LondonBird · 28/05/2007 20:22

Sorry, need to share

I lost a baby at the beginning of March, a planned termination at 21 weeks due to mutiple heart defects. It was pretty much beyond devastating, we had been TTC for 2 years and were about to start IVF

Stupidly I managed to convince myself that I had managed to get pregnant again this month, but even though it's CD36 and no AF, I've had 2 BFN's and know AF is round the corner - the ferocious PMT is a sign for a start.

Have cried on and off all day, been filthy to my DH and am genearally feeling sorry for myself. Pretty much everyone else we know pops babies out with no drama's, and I'm totally tortured by knowing other people that were pregnant at the same time are nearing term with their healthy baby

it's just really really crap

OP posts:

fransmom · 28/05/2007 20:24

oh sweetheart whether it was planned or not it is still painful ((((((((((((((((lb and mr lb))))))))))))))))
erm, what's cd36, sorry?

dyzzidi · 28/05/2007 20:27

Poor you. Feel as angry and upset as you like but just make sure you TALK to your DH about it. He (men in general) may not realise key dates, times of years etc. I went through a stage of this myself and get really bad around the date my baby would have been due. DH can't help enough when I talk to him and I really find his support helpful.

As for people who pop out babies with no Dramas I was amazed after my miscarriage how many people told me it had happened to them.

You are not alone and I have found that for me time has made things easier. Everyone find their own way of dealing with things and you will get through it.

Original poster

LondonBird · 28/05/2007 20:29

Thanks guys

fm - CD36 = cycle day 36, so I usually have really long cycles, but this is extreme! Am still off whack I think

OP posts:

fransmom · 28/05/2007 20:31

i have long cycles too and have been known to buy tests in the hope i am pg. i also had mc in 94.

cookieMOMster · 28/05/2007 20:45

thinking of you

poppy34 · 28/05/2007 20:53

londonbird - really feel for you as I terminated at 21 weeks due to mutliple defects about 3 weeks ago. Also have been ttc for nearly 2 years (had 2 m/c last year) so do sympathise.
Know exactly what you mean about everyone else popping them out so hugs to you.

do CAT or post if you need to talk as can understand how you feel (have also been pretty much allover the place at times too) xx

RahRah1 · 28/05/2007 21:19

Hi LondonBird, You are not alone, promise. Unfortunately there are a few of us that know exactly how you feel and are feeling. It is crap you are right and totally unfair! I send you lots of hugs. I also lost my much wanted baby in Nov 06 at 24 weeks due to many complications in pregnancy which resulted in premature labor. After 6 hrs we were advised to turn off our babies ventilator. We were trying for him for 18 months, but like you managed to conceive naturally whilst going through the fertility clinic. I could not beleive my luck and put all the thoughts of how long it took us behind us. But it was one thing after another with the pregnancy, we were told at every stage we were unlucky! They were right I do feel like the mostly unluckiest person alive. But I have met many others in similar situations and realised that I am not isolated and not the only one and some people have been through so much and for some far from being the unluckiest Everyone in my life since we wanted a baby seemed to have babies at the drop of a hat and had trouble free pregnancies with lovely healthy pregnancies. Two of our close friends both started trying at the same time as us and now both have two year old children in June! Amazing.... But not us, we are still trying, still trying to seek answers, but I have a strong belief we will have another child and this one will be able to stay with us. Try and have belief, I know it is hard when you want something so much and so desperately and it seems so far away. It will happen.
I am so sorry you are going through this, it is not fair but unfortunately how it is for some .... If you ever want to talk I can send you my email address or I log onto sands sometimes. Have you ever been on their forum, it offers lots of support, but sometimes not the right place for some. Take Care of yourself and I really hope things work out for all of us as best as it can do. XX
Much love to you aswell poppy34 XX

Original poster

LondonBird · 28/05/2007 21:21

Hey Poppy

it's just crap isn't it - I'm so sorry about your m/cs as well

I am generally on a largely upwards slope, but it's such hard work sometimes - yesterday I saw a woman feeding her tiny baby under a tree and her dp putting the baby into a sling afterwards, and you just ache to be the one with the baby

I can hardly bear to try again and it not too work, and I can hardly bear not too - I am so exhausted by the whole thing and just would really like to stop it being there all the time

also, am pretty new to MN what's CAT??

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poppy34 · 28/05/2007 21:23

rahrah so sorry to read of what happened to you but it does prove as you said that londonbird (and us) isn't alone.

Sands is a good place to go (as is ARC) but I've actually found that there are few people on here (like rahrah) and I've found that very helpful in what has been (and still is a bewildering time)

poppy34 · 28/05/2007 21:29

CAT - its when you ask to contact us through the mumsnet site. If its easier can try and contact you.

can completely identify what you mean about being all over the place -its weird how it can hit you at times and not others.

As for mixed feelings re trying again - its awful isn't it? at the moment I'm feeling very raw about all thats happened and as I've not yet had tests results in am still too nervous to think about trying again (altough it seems quite likely from what doctors say it was just one of those things).

Original poster

LondonBird · 28/05/2007 21:29

RahRah1, I'm so so sorry to hear your story too

It's great to hear somebody out there who's keeping the faith. That's what everybody says, you've made a baby once, at least you know you can, but I do know it's not that easy for everyone, and it's hard to hope for the best sometimes

Having said that, in RL I do sound much more philosophical than I do on mn, and the amazing thing is not feeling so alone when I'm here - this is definitely the unvarnished truth

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poppy34 · 28/05/2007 21:33

know what you mean - when people say in RL how are you you can't say 'all over the shop, devestated by what has happened, torturing myself that we'll never have kids and feeling like i need to be sectioned by the totally overwhelming nature of my feelings at time" - I find "ok in the circumstances "a better answer(unless its very close friend or family)

Original poster

LondonBird · 28/05/2007 21:41

ahh, now I understand CAT, thanks

Poppy, still so soon for you, not surprised you're terribly raw. Hopefully you're concentrating on nurturing yourself, and recovering physically - it's a huge huge thing and the battle between the rational and the emotional is so so hard. At 3 weeks afterwards i was pretty much in a fog, functioning, but not really there

even though I'm here now and generally being misearble tonight, it does get better I promise

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poppy34 · 28/05/2007 21:42

thanks londonbird- good to know it does get easier.

Have sent you a CAT anyway.

Original poster

LondonBird · 28/05/2007 21:43

crossed messages, lol to your last post! I totally know what you mean about the response you give people, plus the thoughts about being sectioned - it's just a very very strange process, but 'keeping up appearances' became very important to me, as it gave me a reason to put one foot in front of the other

are you getting the support you need from friends, family and work?

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Original poster

LondonBird · 28/05/2007 21:54

Thanks for CAT poppy, looking at the details I think I'll get it tomorrow morning. Work is not easy for me to be on mn, so may not be able to reply very well in the day, but will definitely be around in the evening

It's amazing, am feeling much better now, thanks so much, sending every possible positive feeling your way too

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poppy34 · 28/05/2007 22:04

no problems - can sympathise as I don't mn at work either and tomorrow is my first day back in office (have been doing bits from home and will be working from home a lot over last few weeks)

basically both dh and I feel that getting back into it probably better in long term as was starting to feel like going backwards at home.

have generally been lucky in fantastic support for both dh and me from family, work and some friends - the old cliche about finding who you're friends are seems to very true.

so glad you're feeling better (and sympsathise as have very long cycles too so have done my share of wasting cash on various types of tests over the last year or so -find that really puts the tin lid on your hormonal feelings!!)

Original poster

LondonBird · 28/05/2007 22:24

Will be thinking of you lots tomorrow. For what its worth going back to work was a really important part of the journey for me, quite scary but such a big step forward. People are generally great, and it's a real break to think about something else

so pleased you're getting what you need in support, I've been really lucky too

take it easy tomorrow

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