He messaged me all throughout the day every single day. How will I live without that? We had so many things planned & good times to look forward to. He was my everything, he was on my mind every second of the day
What a beautiful thing to be able to write. I am so sorry for your loss. Your pain is so much greater because you loved each other so much, but one day you will be able to look back and be grateful that you shared such love, and joy. So many people will never know such love. But you did and that was a blessing to you and to him.
It's very very natural to look to blame yourself. Even if you hadn't been rowing, it's a natural instinct to look for blame - it's a way of coping with and making sense of the shock. But it doesn't mean that you are to blame. He could have been speeding/in that accident, if he had been very happy that day too. Sh*t happens and although it may feel as if what you did or said contributed to that, it's the bigger picture that matters. You loved him. You gave him joy.
Look after yourself. At this stage, your job is to get through one hour at a time, one meal at a time, one day at a time.
I have been through similar, and like you I thought that I would never be happy again, would never deserve to be happy again. I couldn't see past the next hour or two, never mind imagine years ahead.
IME it takes a full year to start to feel that you can breathe again. Some people are able to move forward quicker, but the first twelve months can be tough. In the meantime, don't worry about looking ahead. Take one day at a time and don't let anyone rush you to feel better, to recover, to move on, until you are ready for the next step. Find people who will support you on key days - the funeral, the day after the funeral, your birthday, your anniversaries, Christmas etc.
Take care of yourself. And in the meantime, do you want to tell us about your partner? Keep posting on here, or on WAY, sweetheart. There will always be someone around who understands, and who will listen.