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Bereavement

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My partner died...

17 replies

BBean · 15/07/2018 09:34

He died in a car crash Thursday morning.

We were rowing, so our last words were not very nice. I loved him with every bone in my body, all I can do is blame myself. I know he was angry, I know he was speeding. How will I ever live with this guilt. I'm absolutely broken.

Can someone please help me, I don't know what to do. I want to go to sleep & not wake up I can't see any future or happiness now.

OP posts:
Theworldisfullofgs · 15/07/2018 09:38

I'm so sorry. You are in shock. I'm here for you if you need to talk.
It's awful and you loved him. That will always be true.

Kittykat93 · 15/07/2018 09:41

ThanksThanks so sorry for your loss. Please don't blame yourself for what happened, although you argued you still knew you loved eachother. Take it Day by day and try to get support in real life. Grief is bloody awful and it will never leave you but you can and will learn to live with it.

Noqont · 15/07/2018 09:48

Come and join widowed and young.
www.widowedandyoung.org.uk/

You will get lots of support over there. Flowers

BBean · 15/07/2018 09:57

Thank you thank you. I am in so much pain, I seem to be getting worse as each day goes on.

I've only spoken to his poor mum once, because I feel like it's my fault. I keep thinking that once they know they will hate me.

We was rowing a lot lately but then we'd be absolutely fine, laughing & joking. He messaged me all throughout the day every single day. How will I live without that? We had so many things planned & good times to look forward to & now nothing. He was my everything, he was on my mind every second of the day x

OP posts:
Abra1de · 15/07/2018 10:01

The row was only one part of your time together.

It’s natural to have feelings like yours at this time—you’re in shock. But as time passes your rational brain will help you see that this is not your fault.

💐

Theworldisfullofgs · 15/07/2018 10:02

It wasn't your fault. It was an accident.
He loved you too and you know this.
It will take time and eventually you will be able to focus on the man you loved and not the accident.

Noqont · 15/07/2018 10:04

You will be ok Bbean, it just doesn't feel like it right now. It helps massively to be in touch with people who are going through the same thing together. I lost my DH nearly three years ago and WAY has been an absolute life saver. I think it costs £25 to join, but they don't discriminate if you can't afford it. You would just need to explain your financial situation I guess. When you do join, ask to be added to the widowed and young face book page as it's very busy there, all the time and there is always someone to talk to. Don't blame yourself Bbean. Its not your fault. Xx

lapenguin · 15/07/2018 10:37

Don't blame yourself, noone will. Rows happen and he knows you love him. Stay strong. Surround yourself with support and never blame yourself or feel guilty
hugs

RaininSummer · 15/07/2018 11:01

I am so sorry for your loss.It was not your fault.

Notquitegrownup2 · 15/07/2018 11:18

He messaged me all throughout the day every single day. How will I live without that? We had so many things planned & good times to look forward to. He was my everything, he was on my mind every second of the day

What a beautiful thing to be able to write. I am so sorry for your loss. Your pain is so much greater because you loved each other so much, but one day you will be able to look back and be grateful that you shared such love, and joy. So many people will never know such love. But you did and that was a blessing to you and to him.

It's very very natural to look to blame yourself. Even if you hadn't been rowing, it's a natural instinct to look for blame - it's a way of coping with and making sense of the shock. But it doesn't mean that you are to blame. He could have been speeding/in that accident, if he had been very happy that day too. Sh*t happens and although it may feel as if what you did or said contributed to that, it's the bigger picture that matters. You loved him. You gave him joy.

Look after yourself. At this stage, your job is to get through one hour at a time, one meal at a time, one day at a time.

I have been through similar, and like you I thought that I would never be happy again, would never deserve to be happy again. I couldn't see past the next hour or two, never mind imagine years ahead.

IME it takes a full year to start to feel that you can breathe again. Some people are able to move forward quicker, but the first twelve months can be tough. In the meantime, don't worry about looking ahead. Take one day at a time and don't let anyone rush you to feel better, to recover, to move on, until you are ready for the next step. Find people who will support you on key days - the funeral, the day after the funeral, your birthday, your anniversaries, Christmas etc.

Take care of yourself. And in the meantime, do you want to tell us about your partner? Keep posting on here, or on WAY, sweetheart. There will always be someone around who understands, and who will listen.

Luckyyem · 15/07/2018 11:32

I’m so sorry for your loss OP.

Slightly different but my brother died in a car crash. We had been arguing before he left the house. The last thing I ever said to him was ‘why don’t you drop down dead’. I was 15 he was 14, I’m now 39 and it’s only been in the last year I’ve started to forgive myself, I won’t lie it’s been a hard journey for me to get here.

Yes, you may have been arguing but he knew you loved him. Yes, he may have been angry but he loved you too. Never forget that OP, remember the good times even though the argument will be at the forefront of your mind. But mostly be kind to yourself OP, you don’t deserve to beat yourself up.

Talk to anyone that will listen, pour your thoughts out on this thread if you need to, verbalising your thoughts will help you.

Flowers
echt · 15/07/2018 14:16

So sorry for your loss, Bbean Thanks

This will sound harsh, and I don't mean to offend: you can't know he was angry, if you mean when he was driving, and any anger was his own, he was responsible for his own feelings. If he was speeding, that was his decision too. This does not make him a bad man, but you are not to blame for these things.

I can hardly bear to imagine your pain at your last words being not good, but they are the lived life and we have to carry it, the good and the bad. I can't remember the last thing I said to my DH, something commonplace, I expect. The messages every day are good thing that are still a part of the rows, the whole picture.

Take care of yourself, and save the messages. Thanks

MadisonAvenue · 15/07/2018 14:22

I'm so sorry Bbean
This was an accident, not your fault Flowers

Do you have people with you or nearby for support?

Ellafruit1 · 15/07/2018 14:28

What echt said - however much you blame yourself it wasn’t your fault. If he was speeding out of anger that was his responsibility. You’re not to blame.

I was in your shoes 2 years ago when my husband killed himself. I too didn’t think I could cope without him and was wracked with guilt. It felt like my past had been flipped upside down, my present was just shit and my future plans had been wrecked.

It really was an exercise in mindfulness to get through it. Literally I kept thinking to myself ‘right now I’m washing up, and that’s okay’, ‘right now I need to go to work and that’s okay’. You learn to count your blessings in the immediate here and now. It will make you stronger, even though it’s awful to go through.

You can cope and make a life of your own. It’ll be different to how you’d imagined and it will take you time to come to terms with your new reality. But feelings pass and you’ll get there. I look back at my husband’s death and still feel sad and angry about it but I’ve worked through my guilt and I feel mostly content with my life now.

You’re in shock and with a premature death out of the blue like this you’ll probably be in shock for months and months. I had a curious feeling of ‘landing’ back in my body about 8 months later but everyone will be different. Just take each minute, hour, day as it comes. You will get through it. Flowers

daughterofanarchy · 15/07/2018 23:21

BBean, im so sorry for your loss. Please don’t blame yourself, as previous people have said if your partner was speeding that is not your fault. Not at all. Please do not blame yourself.
I don’t know what else to say apart from how truly sorry I am that you are going through this.
Also it may be worth trying to see your doctor (when you feel ready) maybe you could ask for them to refer you to bereavement counselling?

BBean · 15/08/2018 18:15

Thank you all so much for your good advice & kind words.

I've only just been able to bear to come back to the thread.

Life has been hard, full of ups & downs. Laughing about him, remembering good times then overwhelming anger & sadness.

I still don't know exactly what happened that day re: the accident & I do often blame myself still but I know I shouldn't & it needs to stop.
Today I haven't been able to get out of bed but I have been back to work since him passing & I have decided to get some help today to help me deal with it all.

I miss him so much, life is so cruel to take away someone that absolutely loved life & lived it to the full. His funeral was a perfect goodbye to him, he was so loved by everyone & it was amazing to see how many people turn up that day.

Life goes on & I just think that's the hardest part now.

BB
X

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 15/08/2018 18:20

Have you got someone to speak with in real life OP?

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