Dh died 2 months ago - what can i say to dd ..

[Alexandrite]

Dd is 11 and when she cries she says that she wishes we had buried him instead of cremated him as then he would still be there but as we cremated him he isn't there any more. She also always says there were some videos (music and comedy ones) that she wanted to show him but now can't. He died suddenly of natural causes so we didn't get the chance to say goodbye.
I try and say the right thing. Eg. I'll say we'll be able to visit him at the cemetary when his ashes are interred. Just wondered if anyone had any ideas of what to say. (He was a really lovely dad so a huge loss.)

PS. When i say dd1 can go to head of house, i think this is a place where someone would be available rather than the actual head of house who would he busy teaching etc.

I was a lot older than your DDs when I lost my dad. I was 22 and married with children. My mother did not involve my brother and I in the funeral and when asked about the Ashes, she said ‘Oh the crematorium will scatter them’. I have nowhere to be close to him and had to ask her if there was something of his I could have. She gave me his watch which I keep in a box. It is 45 years this month since he died and that watch and I have had many conversations since.

The point I am trying to make is that it does not have to be a big thing that you do. As long as it is meaningful to DDs. I have been to Crematoria for other relatives and I find them quite impersonal places. Even a rose in a bed is surrounded by others. Your DDs May feel differently but creating a haven where they can go at any time might be reassuring.

Spoke to dd and she wants to bury the ashes at the local graveyard we visited rather than have an urn or pot. It's actually a really lovely place. It's behind a lovely old church and is peaceful and has lovely views. She wants to keep mementos such as his old t shirts (which were very him.) She isn't sure about planting a rose in the garden as she thinks it would make her sad. She doesn't seem keen to see a counsellor at her next school, but may change her mind once she is introduced to her.
She's much happier today after a day at school. She tends to get sad at night and moved back in with me last night as she shares a room with her sister and is missing her while she is away.

Gah! Sorry i name changed as thought my posts were a bit outing but forgot to change back

so sad and difficult for you all.
I don't know if this is something you could do? we have my dad's ashes in a wooden casket buried in a large garden pot with a rose called 'rememberance'
I had a plaque made and on birthdays, father's day etc I light a candle or put some flowers near him. It's like a little shrine and brings me comfort.
It's in the garden but is transportable if we should move.

I also want to be cremated when I die, but I understand that my choice could be difficult for my children and DH to cope with. One thing I've seen others do that I really like is having a small amount of a loved one's cremains sprinkled in a small hole just before a sapling of your choosing is planted in the ground. That tree then becomes a living memorial to your lost DH, one that can be cared for and continue to grow alongside your DD. If it's planted on your property like in your garden, DD can even go out back to sit under the tree and have a picnic lunch and talk to your DH or show him the videos she thinks he would like.

Oh im sorry to read all of this,
How about, going to where the ashes are and letting her play the videos so her dad can "see" them?

I'm so sorry OP .

What i wonder from your posts is whether this is more to do with your daughter not wanting to let go of your DH, rather than cremation compared to burial. I still don't want to 'let go' of my brother who died four years ago, and if had a plot to visit I would probably go there all the time. I don't actually think that would be better for me, just different; it wouldn't change the reality of the situation at all. One of your posts suggests that you're beating yourself up a bit about this, please don't.

My personal wish is for cremation, and then be scattered somewhere I like walking, so that people I know that pass through can think of me. I'd also quite like a bench in my honour. Could something like this be a focus for you both?