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Original poster

Dh died 2 months ago - what can i say to dd ..

33 replies

Alexandrite · 10/07/2018 23:39

Dd is 11 and when she cries she says that she wishes we had buried him instead of cremated him as then he would still be there but as we cremated him he isn't there any more. She also always says there were some videos (music and comedy ones) that she wanted to show him but now can't. He died suddenly of natural causes so we didn't get the chance to say goodbye.
I try and say the right thing. Eg. I'll say we'll be able to visit him at the cemetary when his ashes are interred. Just wondered if anyone had any ideas of what to say. (He was a really lovely dad so a huge loss.)

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Apileofballyhoo · 10/07/2018 23:53

Flowers There's not much you can say really. Do you have any beliefs that might help? How are you coping yourself? What brings comfort to you, if anything?

I'd share my grief, talk about how sad and unfair it all is. Watch the videos and talk about how he might have laughed at them or not. Make plans for what you can do together to honour his memory. Is there something you can do at the cemetery? Maybe revisit places you went together.

Go through photos of him and DD together. Talk about times they had. Talk about things he said about her or did for her that she can't remember because she was too little.

Plenty of talking and plenty of crying, and plenty of planning for the immediate future.

If you do have some beliefs or you think there 'might be', you could say some people believe that... your Dad is watching over you or whatever.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Bobbiepin · 10/07/2018 23:58

Just an idea, could it be helpful to set up an email "in his name" and she can send things to him that way? Even if its just she feels as though she can share things even if she can't get his response. Maybe its the bluntness of 'I would show dad this but I can't'. Just an idea, don't know if it'll be helpful.

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

NeeChee · 11/07/2018 00:11

Would she like to keep a small amount of his ashes in a keepsake or item of jewellery so she can still hold a part of him close?
It's good that she is talking and expressing her grief. I know some people like to talk to their departed family member as if they never left. MIL talks to her late husband's picture, although sometimes it involves telling him off!

Arum51 · 11/07/2018 00:19

It sounds like she needs some sort of "focal point", a way of centring her memories of her dad, and still feeling she is communicating with him. Do you have a garden, maybe plant a tree of a bush as a memorial?

I'm not sure I'll explain this very well, but I understand what she means, I kind of felt the same way when we had my son cremated. We did that deliberately, because I felt that, for me, a grave had the potential to become an obsessional focus, somewhere I didn't want to leave because I knew my baby was in there. So we cremated him, so that he would be 'everywhere'. "He is made one with Nature: there is heard. His voice in all her music, from the moan. Of thunder, to the song of night's sweet bird; He is a presence to be felt and known." That worked for me, but clearly isn't for your daughter. She needs that spot, something to pinpoint where her dad actually is. Talk to her, see what you can create together, so that she has that physical space with which to associate her grief/loss/memories.

MaryandMichael · 11/07/2018 00:26

My mother died four years ago. I still talk to her if I want to. One day I told her that 'this being dead has gone on long enough!'
She could have a memories box, and put letters to him there. More tangible than an email account.

ineedaholidaynow · 11/07/2018 00:34

Have you contacted Winston's Wish, they might be able to give you some advice?

Sorry for your loss Flowers

BastardGoDarkly · 11/07/2018 00:57

Oh darling. I've got no sage advice. Just wanted to say how sorry I am. X x

marthastew · 11/07/2018 01:08

Would some grief counselling help both of you? Winston's Wish provides specialist counselling for children. I am so sorry for both of you.

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 11/07/2018 01:10

Oh love so very sad for you.
Maybe a way to look at it is regardless of cremation or burial, always in your heart.
Xx

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 11/07/2018 01:12

Arum51 that’s lovely, thoughts with you too

SeaToSki · 11/07/2018 01:33

My friend’s husband died and some family friends made a quilt for each of the daughters from pieces of their Dad’s clothes. They used to wrap themselves up in them and feel like they were getting a hug as the clothes still smelled a little like their Dad.

Candyflip · 11/07/2018 01:36

I lost my dad over a decade ago and still discover new things that I want to share with him. I actually find it quite comforting. It keeps his memory alive and proves he was loved and he was here. Maybe you could say something like that to her?

Original poster
Alexandrite · 11/07/2018 08:37

Thanks all. Lots of good ideas here. I mentioned ashes jewellery but she said she wants him kept in one place. Both dd's (older one is 13) see a counsellor at school. I asked if they wanted to see someone else but they felt the school one was enough. Will need to have something in place for the summer holidays. Elder dd is on a school residential at the moment and dd2 is finding it hard as obviously there are now two of us instead of four.
I said that dad might be able to see the videos still but she said "he might not be able to." It's tricky as we don't have a strong religious belief.
I'm going to buy a rose to plant for him in the garden and sort out the interment.
It's such an awful thing to happen. She was saying she wishes he'd come home. I wish the same.
Maybe we should have buried him but the local cemetary which is a nice location to visit only has space for ashes and i was worried about costs at the time. Dd said she would have contributed her birthday money Sad

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lutjanus · 11/07/2018 08:48

Can you set up a small shrine in part of your home like Japanese people do.

Usually has a large picture and candles (maybe not good for kids) and mementos and gives a physical focus for them to talk to or a place to leave small things they find they think their dad would like.

lutjanus · 11/07/2018 08:50

Sorry meant to say sorry for your loss and sounds like you are doing the best you can for your girls Flowers

Babdoc · 11/07/2018 08:55

I am so sorry for what you and your DD are going through. My DH died when my DD1 was two years old, and it is never easy to deal with.
It sounds like your DD regards her father’s mortal remains as all that is left of him - that the ashes have to be kept together to keep him “whole”, and that burial would mean an intact body being preserved in a grave.
You could point out that her dad’s soul is the important part of him - it is everything that made him a person, and his body was just the shell he lived in. Even a burial would not have kept that shell intact, as he would have gently decomposed into the earth.
Why not ask your local parish minister to have a chat with DD? And reassure her that all of us are eventually reunited with our loved ones. She can pray for her dad’s soul, and ask God to keep him safe until they are together again. I find great comfort in Christ’s promise of heaven, and could not have got through the last 26 years of grief without God’s support, and the knowledge that I will be with my much loved DH again one day.

silkpyjamasallday · 11/07/2018 08:57

Oh OP I’m so sorry for your loss Flowers we had DPs mum cremated, and buried her ashes in the crematorium woods and sprinkled some wildflower seeds in the same area. It helps DP and I to think of it as his mum becoming part of all the trees and flowers, like in the lion king where mufasa explains that when they die their bodies become the grass and the circle of life continues, perhaps a little cheesy but it works for us. This is how we will explain it to dd once she is old enough. Maybe something similar could help your daughter?

Original poster
Alexandrite · 11/07/2018 09:06

Thanks for your good ideas. Babdoc i think talking to a minister is a good idea. The cemetary is next to a church. Going to enquire about that

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Original poster
Alexandrite · 11/07/2018 09:07

All of the ideas people have suggested are good/helpful suggestions thank you

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Verbena87 · 11/07/2018 09:16

Goodness I’m so, so sorry for your loss. He sounds like a great dad, and you sound like a brilliant, thoughtful, open-hearted and strong mum, and it’s shit that you can’t carry on parenting together in the here-and-now. Flowers

No new ideas for what to do/say (though I think planting a rose together is a great idea), but just to say I’m a secondary school teacher and one of my students lost her dad and handed out postcards to all her subject teachers which had her preferences (e.g. “if I’m upset please don’t try to talk to me. Let me have 5 minutes outside to calm down.” Or whatever helps that specific child). It was brilliant because emails from pastoral care tend to be read once, whereas I could stick the postcard in my planner with her class’ information and remind myself how she wanted me to support her (not generic ‘this is what to do with a bereaved child’ advice) at the start of every lesson. It sounds like school are supportive anyway, but thought I’d share as it made it so much easier for me to do my job properly.

Sending sympathy your way.

AstrantiaMajor · 11/07/2018 09:51

I think that a way to explain a cremation is this. The very last thing that we are able to do for those we love is to give them the funeral they wanted. Dad wanted to be cremated and I had to go along with what he wanted.

I would buy a very large terracotta pot, put a tree in it and bury the ashes in a box under the roots. There is a place called Witchford Pottery who make wonderful pots and they will inscribe them or decorate them with flowers or or their things that meant something to your husband.

The tree and pot can go with you if you move. Maybe you can create an Arbour in. The Garden where the children can go and spend time talking to their dad. I am sorry for your loss

EmMcK · 11/07/2018 09:56

Hey OP. I am sorry you and your DD are facing this. I was 11 when my dad died and one thing that I wish someone had suggested was that I write to him about things that I wanted to tell him, and things that I remembered about him or doing with him. Those memories fade far too quickly.
Dad was cremated and we had him at home, but that is a cultural thing I think, but meant I could "talk" to him whenever I wanted. Or have a wee cry.

Original poster
Alexandrite · 11/07/2018 10:09

Thanks. I don't know if dh wanted to be cremated or buried as he was in his 40s and it was so unexpected and sudden. (Heart attack while he was away with work - probably outing myself a bit.)
The primary and secondary have been very kind and the systems in place suit both girls. Dd1 has a red card to be able to leave a lesson with no questions asked and go to head of house. She hasn't used it but good it's in place. Dd2 can go to a special place with a TA whenever she likes which she has used. When dd2 starts secondary she'll have the same HOH/systems. I'll keep in contact with them.
I hadn't thought about a tree and pot. Something to talk to the girls about.

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Original poster
Alexandrite · 11/07/2018 10:10

Thanks EmMcK Those are good suggestions

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Original poster
Alexandrite · 11/07/2018 10:11

Did you have your dad's ashes in an urn at home?

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