Can I have a brief handhold? Sister died a year ago

[Whereismumhiding2]

At 5:45pm this day last year my wonderful sister died. Just us two sisters.
It was 9 weeks after she was first diagnosed with bone cancer in her right thigh bone, out of the blue. It had a great prognosis. She had the operation, thigh bone replaced with titanium rod, hip replaced. She never got to go home as her breathing started to go 3 weeks post op. It turned out to be shockingly aggressive cancer and wiped out her lungs, even her consultant was taken by surprise. She was given 3-6 months, she & I thought hey she's so tough and fighting fit, she'll be 1-2 years & I eas desperately arranging CHC, oxygen and hospital bed & care support (tho mum and me would do most of day and night care) for her to come down to spend her last months at my house overlooking garden surrounded by my DC and DParents (who'd stay with me). But she died 2 weeks 2 days later in a hospice she barely made the journey to. I am devastated still to lose her and so unexlectregly and gutted for her. I've barely kept it together the last year and today is the tsunami of grief all over again. Had my earphones in listening to Ella Henderson all day in the office to keep me going.

Most weeks we spoke on the phone (we lived 150+ miles away) an hour at least. I and my DCs were her life as well as her friends and job, but mostly us. If she stops being g central to my life and I stop feeling this huge void then I am scared it will change who I am. What makes me and what made my sister. We were really close. I struggle to get my head round a life without her.

I meant an hour daily at least, most weeks, at the least 4x a week on a busy week. And texts and funny WhatsApps and FB posts.

@Harrykanesrightsock I am a different person since she's gone

Yes that's it too!

Sorry. I am up late as I can't sleep, not tonight. I'm pacing around.

I used to listen to my sister so much, even in those hour long calls innately spkhe 25 mins to tell her that days kiddie funny story and she'd talk the rest of it. I miss hearing her voice as I was cooking or settling early into bed listening to her work stories or putting her on loud speaker as I read to DC so she could join in.

ARG, "in those hour long calls, I barely spoke 15 mins" is what I typed!!

@Whereismumhiding2

The pain I wake up with each day keeps my sister close
I completely understand that.Also the anger that my dd had gone in tragic circumstances is something that has never left me.

I do have happy memories, I had her very young we grew up together.

That sounds terrible, OP, so much to deal with in such a short time. No wonder today is so hard for you. Be kind to yourself, give yourself space and time. Counselling might be good for you, too x

@ParkheadParadise and @Giraffey1 I know it's late, thankyou for listening and being here X

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, and for those of others on this thread

I lost my oldest sister a year ago . We werent ever so close because she lived most of her adult life abroad and I only got to see her on visits .
I wish we had been closer because she did some lovely things for me and was very thoughtful towards me .Her death seemed unnessary too because she'd got over cancer but it was actually the treatment for it that killed her in the end .

Another hand hold from me .

I lost my brother 4 years ago to what was supposed to be a very curable cancer (Hodgkins Lymphoma), but his immune system just couldn't cope with it. it's been devastating, but as time goes on I've sort of woven it into my story, and can honestly say that, for me, it doesn't hurt as much. it's easier to carry.

@Whereismumhiding2
Hope you managed to get some sleep last night.
Take Care.

I did sleep in the end & got a good few hours in. It feels less raw today, the sun was streaming in through my curtains this morning and it felt a new day. I was so surprised that the anniversary hit me so hard. I really appreciate everyone's handhold

I’m glad the new day helped x

Sorry for you loss. It can be so difficult to carry on with life after bereavement, but just remember that your sister would have wanted you to be happy and remember the good times you had together

My dad died just over a month ago and what is hitting me, is that my love be for him didn’t die with him. I feel the same, if not stronger, about him as I always have done and that is of some comfort, knowing those feelings stay alive. Not the same as having him around, but I am glad I still have that love.

You sound like you had a wonderful relationship with your sister, how lovely for you both. I hope my DDs feel like this about each other when they grow up.

Best wishes op

Thankyou XXX I'm sorry for your loss too xxxx I think that's a well described catch, my love for.my sister didn't die when she did, nor my care about her. I do wonder if she can see us and join in the fun we have and be there when we are low in missing her.

My brother died just over a month ago. I still can't believe how much I miss him everyday, its just overwhelming at times. I'm so sorry for your loss. I think when you lose someone you love as much as your sibling, you're never the same again. I just hope I'll be able to remember more of the good memories rather than the ones of him suffering as time passes on. Don't feel bad about still missing your sister, its unbelieavbly hard.

I'm so sorry that you've lost your brother @crystalsapphire. The first few months are so strange, and I think you're right, we're never the same again - I'll always be a little less sunny than I was before my DB died.

I'm so sorry to hear about your lovely sister.
When you feel less raw I truly recommend listening to 'Griefcast' (it's a really insightful podcast talking to people about how they process their grief )
It helps to normalise the way grief can make us humans feel crazy - the latest episode with Rebecca Peyton might resonate as she also lost her older sister .