When will I cry?

[birkenstocks4ever]

My mum passed away at the end of March. She had been ill and we weren't expecting her to recover but it happened much quicker than we expected. We were incredibly close and obviously I have cried - when I arrived at the hospital shortly after she died, when I was telling my children, at the funeral but I haven't fully broken down and really cried iykwim? I think about her every day but I just can't get it out and I feel like I need to. I feel guilty, almost like because I haven't properly sobbed I must not care which couldn't be further from the truth. How can I get my feelings out?

The thing that got me was searching loss on Pinterest. I was trying to understand grief and it broke me apart to the point I was howling. Felt better after though.

There is no law that says you have to cry though, you may not. It doesn't make your loss any less.

People grieve in different ways and show grief in different ways. It was an unexpected kindness that made me sob about my mum some months afte4 she died. Entirely unconnected but I think I’d been holding it together till then. But we are all different. It sort of freaked out the person who’d been kind but they understood.

And I just remembered. Watching the John Lewis Christmas advert I was in floods. Can’t even remember which one it was.

Not until 8 weeks after my dad passed and then only in short periods when I was alone, in the car, at bedtime
Everyone is different
I still cry now sometimes and it's been 9 years

Thank you. I'm probably putting too much pressure on myself so will try and relax about it

My dad died 7 years ago and only once did I properly break down crying and that was about 9 months after his death. I was often teary and cried but not properly. I also felt guilty because I loved him so much I still think about him all the time but I guess the grief for me didn't come out in sobs.

I didn't after my mum died.. Its 3 years ago and I have not yet had that complete "howling in grief" completely lost in it. I have cried today I have for example as I dreamt of her and my grandad last night.

However that doesnt = less caring or less loss.. I think those closest actually can just be too overwhelming to grieve like that as that would mean acknowledging you have lost them..

My much loved MIL passed away in March I still haven't had a proper cry about her. I miss her every day she is a huge loss in our life as we saw her a lot (we didn't my mum as she lived in another country) I simply do not think w MIL I can allow myself to take on all of the grief of her passing its just too much.

Glad I've seen this thread. It's a month since mum died, a fortnight since the funeral, and I'm feeling nothing. I just feel normal. I just read through the messages everyone sent on FB, and still nothing. The only thing that's almost started me off was a lovely message from a workmate whose dad died of the same thing as mum, earlier this week.

My dad said earlier this evening that the undertakers have mum's ashes back, which made me feel very strange indeed. Can't quite process that.

Love to you all. Strength and love to you all.

I lost my DH in February and I miss and love him so much. But if I have a day when I don't cry I feel so guilty. I have cried and screamed and shouted, but lately it's just that I well up and get teary, but not full on sobbing. I just feel that I have an ache there all the time that won't go away. I keep thinking I'm not grieving properly.

i am sorry for your loss, you can’t rush grief. It hit me in the car driving to work one day. I still sometimes get a bit teary in the car when I am alone, don’t know why.

There is no right or wrong way. I think this sums it up well...
Do not hurry as you walk with grief
It does not help the journey

Walk slowly, pausing often

Do not hurry as you walk with grief
Be not disturbed by memories
that come unbidden
Swiftly forgive and let
Unspoken words, unfinished conversations
be resolved in your memories

Be not disturbed
Be gentle with the one who walks with grief

If it is you, be gentle with yourself
Swiftly forgive, walk slowly,
Pause often,
Take time

Be gentle as you walk with grief

It's a weird feeling OP. I couldn't understand why I wasn't more upset when I lost my DM. We were so close and she died unexpectedly. People (including DH) would comment on how amazingly I was coping, and I felt guilty and confused for not feeling more.
It took 6 months for it to hit home for me, and then I cried every day for a nearly a year. Finally getting bereavement counselling stopped the daily crying, but even now (just over 3yrs after she died) I cry a few times a week for the loss. With hindsight I was clearly completely in shock, but that wasn't how I felt at the time and seemingly it wasn't that obvious to others either.

Give yourself time and gentleness, and as said above, time to feel. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and grief presents so differently for everyone.

OP

My dh died 2 months ago. We were prepared as he had been ill for a year, but not many people knew he was ill, so it came as a huge shock to them.

Because we knew dh wouldn't survive from the outset, we grieved then. We couldn't get through the day without crying. I cried a few days before he died (when we found out it was very near) and again just after he died, but only very mildly since. I do feel like many people (especially those who didn't know) are judging me, for not grieving as I 'should'.

You poor love. Just relax, it will happen on it's own. I didn't cry when my mum died nor at her funeral.

When my son died, nothing felt real. It all felt like performance art. I finally totally freaked out in Asda. I was wandering about, filling my trolley, as you do. I rounded the corner, to find myself in the baby section. Huge pictures of smiling babies everywhere. At that exact moment, Nothing Compares to You by Sinead O'Connor came on. Cue absolute hysteria, and abandonment of trolley.

I finally totally freaked out in Asda

Tapping in.

M&S food hall. Had a complete meltdown

Arum51
When my dd1 died suddenly I never cried, think I was in shock and didn't want to believe what had happened.
Dd2 was born 2mths later. I can remember taking her out in the pram and I thought I seen Dd1 I actually ran after the poor girl shouting dd's name. I returned home to DH a sobbing mess and cried for hours.
Sorry for your loss OP

When DM died nearly four years ago I read and listened to everything I could about grieving. All the stages that were supposed to happen - anger, disbelief, fear etc. I didn't go through any of that, just a gnawing sadness.

I watched my Dad grieve, and my siblings go through the process almost textbook. Whereas I was just sad, very sad but not angry or even upset. I felt like there was something wrong with me.

I don't think there is now, I just think grief is such a personal thing that we cope with whatever emotional tools we have. Don't feel bad about how you react, life and death don't follow any rules.

I still miss her and think about her regularly. Mostly with joy at the memories, but never without the sadness really.

My DD was killed when she was 5. I didn't really cry at all and thought there was something wrong with me. Then a song came on the radio randomly when i was driving a few weeks later. Not a sad song but one my DD and my DH used to jump around to. I was undone and had to pull in and sob. I am still not a crier and accept it is not my way of grieving. We all grieve differently.

When my dad died I cried loads, I think it was also because I could see my mums grief but when my mum died who I was incredibly close to I cried but I also remember sitting there thinking my mum is dead but with no emotion. I think it was shock. It's incredibly hard when you lose your parents but I cannot imagine how hard for those of you who have lost children.