How do I help this woman whose son has died suddenly?

[Downwilson]

A woman I know a little lost her son a number of weeks ago. It was very sudden, an extremely tragic accident.
I don't know this woman very well, I am on the periphery of a large group of friends.
But, I can't stop thinking about her and the daily hell she is going through.
How can I help her? I don't want to intrude, she has already lots of good friends.
Please help....

Call her. It's amazing how many people are scared of dealing with or talking about death.

Some friends who have suffered deaths of family members told me I was the only person who'd called them. Often people can be so scared of saying the wrong thing that they say nothing at all but people sometimes want to talk about what happened. Even if she doesn't want to speak to you I'm sure she'll appreciate the gesture.

I agree - send a card, and at some point also maybe call her, depending on what feels right to you. Gentle unobtrusive reminders that you are thinking of her.
Did you know her son?

Personally I wouldn’t call someone I didn’t know well in these circumstances. She has friends and is hopefully receiving professional support. Send a card and then she can get in touch if she wants to.

I am going through this too as my son saw his friend killed in a tragic accident and I have been unable to stop thinking about his parents and family. I have sent flowers and a card saying to contact us if they need anything and will continue to do so. It's hard when you don't really no someone but are connected and can't stop thinking about them. I think it will help them just to know you are thinking of them and that their child is not forgotten.

Online food shop delivered to her door - from somewhere like cook so all the meals are ready and can be cooked straight from the freezer

Yogagirl
I disagree.
I lost my son less than 2 years ago.
The kindness of people I didn't know very well was really appreciated.
Some that I thought were friends avoided me.
A card and some food can be a comfort.

Remember in a year.

ds has lost a number of close friends. Thousands turn up to the funerals; a year later and barely any remember the anniversary.

ds went to an anniversary service for a teenage friend who died by suicide, and he was one of only two members of his class there. Everyone else had moved on.

endoftheline. I x-posted

Yes. People move on so fast.
One of the most supportive friends I have now is someone I hardly knew before DS died.
She turned up on my doorstep with a freshly cooked meal. She sat with me and made me eat. She came back every day.
She is amazing.
The reason? She too has lost a child.
And she too has experienced the way some people she thought were friends have abandoned her.

When you lose a child your whole life changes. It splits into before and after.
You have to start again to build a new life. Nothing will ever be the same. You learn a lot about people.

Just to add to some other really good comments above, sometimes it’s nice to talk to someone you don’t know very well when you are grieving. She may really appreciate chatting to someone who didn’t know her before her child died

endoftheline

Agree with endoftheline ( and send you hugs)

I also lost my young daughter in an an unexpected and tragic accident just over a year ago. I am really grateful for the people who bother to remember and keep remembering and talking about her occasionally. At times like this the kindness of strangers really does make a difference. Two of my friends who were already friends stepped in and did everything. Not sure I will ever be able to repay them- but others came round with food/ etc- it was unexpected but lovely.

Take food round. Send a card. send a card/ email in a few weeks/ months/ years to let her know you are still thinking of her. Do not ignore it or pretend it didn't happen. ( My BIL has never so much as said he is sorry to us- which really winds me up. I think he is scared i might cry..) But also offer to do something fun with her/ her kids in a few days and weeks if that is appropriate. Even something simple like going to the park.

I now really do make sure I acknowledge losses or bereavements even of people I don't know that well. I didn't realise before how much that mattered.

A former work colleague lost her DS (20) in a traffic accident six weeks ago. I know her fairly well but we're not close friends iyswim. I've been sending messages to let her know I'm thinking of her, asking if she needs anything etc, letting her know I'm there but trying not to intrude. I called round to see her for the first time since he died this morning and spent a couple of hours in her garden with her and a cuppa, just chatting like we always did. I was worried about seeing her but I made myself go and I'm so glad I did. She said they have ups and downs and their world has fallen apart, but she's so grateful to hear about other people's news - it's a reminder for her that it will get better one day-to-day she said. Obviously everyone is different, but your friend might appreciate you popping round for a short visit.

Please remember on the anniversary next year. Most people will forget and anyone remembering will be a huge deal to the family.

I worked in intensive care with some of the most traumatic events.

The biggest lesson I learnt is nothing you do can make her feel any worse. She is currently going through the worst experience and every interaction is appreciated.

And as other posters said a lot of people stay away because they are too uncomfortable.

If you are thinking of her tell her. That will be a comfort if nothing else.

endoftheline so sorry for your loss.

I can only say what helped me after losing my daughter suddenly.

A friend who sent a hand written note, who allowed me to talk and she listened really listened. Allowed me to cry and didnot try to hurry or stop me.

Had masses said ( We are Catholic)

Speaks her name Rachel this is so important.

Still after nearly 4 years ask how we are and remembers important days.

Basically just let her know you care, the amount of people who avoid the person because it makes them uncomfortable.

In time an excellent Facebook site : grieving mothers uk . Run for and by mothers who have lost a precious child.

My thoughts are with you and your friend on your sad loss.