My partner of nearly 20 years passed away recently. I don't know whether it was accidental or intentional. We argued the night before he died about his addiction issues. I was so angry with him and we both said some horrible things and now he's gone. It was only recently that I learned of his addiction issues. He had always struggled with depression and did often drink too much at stressful point but it'd gotten so much worse and I couldn't understand why. He admitted recently that he had become addicted to prescription painkillers after getting them for a back injury. I threatened to leave as he was putting everyone in danger with his reckless behaviour, after I started putting this in action he went completely off the rails and I feel so responsible for everything.
I'm struggling. With the shock of it, not knowing what his intention was, how we left things between eachother, thinking how low he must have been feeling. Im feeling trapped in a life that I never wanted, widowed and looking after the children alone, worried about my future financially. I'm spending every day going through the motions and waiting for the day end, it's relentless. I'm short tempered with the kids and feel like I'm letting them down. I can't stop replaying everything, trying to think where it went wrong and how I could have changed the outcome. The guilt is crushing me.
So many people are able to look back on a loved ones life and think fondly of their life together but every happy memory is overshadowed by the awful ones. I don't even know how to start moving on.