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Bereavement

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How do I handle this?

3 replies

BernardsarenotalwaysSaints · 12/06/2018 12:48

This is outing but hohum

My Dad died suddenly & unexpectedly at the start of the year. I'm his only child & he divorced my Mum when I was very young.

He raised me. He was very close to his Dad who passed away almost 20 years. With regards to his Mother he saw that he had a duty of care to her but nothing more, my Grandad raised him pretty much.

My Gran is self centred in the extreme, he was ill last year (related to but not the cause of his death) & he said then (when we discussed what he wanted etc if he didn't make it) that I'd have merry hell with her if she outlived him. He underestimated, a lot.

She hasn't once asked how I'm coping, or my dc (who saw him at least 5x every week) or her sister who he was very close to. I've been bombarded with almost daily emails about her struggles, her grief...& then last week I had an email demanding to know about his ashes & whether I'd dealt with them yet. I replied that I have them & when I'm ready they'll be scattered where he'd said he wanted them to go. I've had silence since, which has been rather nice. My (gr) Aunt called yesterday, she (my Gran) is refusing to set foot in my house 'until they're disposed of'.

Why does it all have to be about her? I was just getting through the worst of my pnd post dc5 when he died, I'm trying to grieve for him & it's like she has to make all of it more difficult for the rest of us. I'm gettimg so close to snapping but I know it won't help, not really.

I know she's lost a son but she hardly new him. She moaned after the funeral that aside from family she only knew 4 or 5 poeple out of the 80 odd there. She wanted to know why I'd had so many photos to choose from for the order of service (because I take photos & he was always round for a cuppa & to see the children).

I'm sorry, I don't really know the point of this post. I just don't know how to do this any more Sad

OP posts:
NoStraightEdges · 12/06/2018 13:07

Flowers For you. I'm sorry for your loss.

You're doing great, you've had a tough time and you're coming through it. She sounds toxic and no good for you and on that basis, I would go low or no contact. You're not responsible for her. And it seems mercenary and to the outside world like you're being a cow, but honestly, it's time to concentrate on you and your children. If she wants to be nice, great, if not sack her off.

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 12/06/2018 13:09

Sounds like a good plan would be to keep the ashes imo. Wink
Sorry for your loss.

BernardsarenotalwaysSaints · 12/06/2018 16:12

Thank you both Flowers

I'm mainly sticking to email, she only comes over to see the children anyway, not me (which is why I don't think her not visiting will last long, sadly) so can keep contact to a minimum but she just has 0 filter or thought for others.

I'm lucky in some ways because the whole family knows what she's like so on the occasions she's tried to play the 'Bernard was nasty to me card' they've not really paid her any attention.

I think I'm struggling because it was always Dad that dealt with her for me & now I've not got him to help.

OP posts:
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