'First's' - are they worse

[annikin]

It's my first birthday without db today. Soon it'll be his children's first Father's Day without him. Are the first ones the worst?

They are the rawest, I'm not sure necessarily the hardest though.

They're pretty bad but as time goes on, it's longer since you last saw the person, so it's equally as tough but in a different way. It's all just relentlessly grim to be honest.

It gets less sore as time goes on, but it’s always hard.

I’m so sorry for your loss

I found the firsts almost easier because you know they’re coming. You can prepare emotionally and you expect to be floored so yes it’s awful but you know it will be. It’s the random moments that come completely out of the blue that I find the hardest.

Sorry for your loss OP.

Yes, I think the first year is particularly hard as you go through all the big - usual - occasions without them.

The first everything is particularly hard
I had a deeper sadness as time went on because I felt further away from my loved one
Specific dates get easier though

I found the first ones the rawest; I’ve always found that celebrating my dads birthday has helped a bit tho even if it’s just a takeaway and some fizz to toast him, other firsts I’ve preferred to hide away though

I find things catch up with me when I'm not expecting it, but those can be bitter sweet moments tbh. I see the good in them.

For example, if I'm watching a tv programme and think, 'oh wait till I tell dad about this ...'

It becomes less raw, yes.

I completely agree with Rankellior’s post.

I'm sorry for your loss. The firsts are tough. And key days like the anniversary of the death can be hard generally. I remember two years after my Mum had died, breaking down in my ex boyfriends bathroom because of the realisation that I would never see her again. I found the memories fading to be so tough. But I think I had what is called atypical grief (essentially I tried to put off mourning as I was in the middle of my A-levels.) My advice is to take the time to grieve. Its hard, but has to be done. Best wishes. x

I found the month before the anniversary of my DH's death harder than the day itself, and am struggling again this year.

So sorry for your loss. There always seems to be an anniversary looming, as another poster said the first aren’t always the hardest, sadly.

First are hard but for me personally with my mum I found the seconds the toughest. On the firsts people rally round a bit more, ask how you are etc etc and generally make an effort. By the seconds not so much as people tend not to bother anymore, possibly thinking you should be over it or just generally forgetting.

Agree with @BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack. Wish someone had told me that the second year was harder than the first 😞

Firsts were the worst for me. Although the second anniversary of mums death was more painful for my dad and brother. Getting married without mum 8 years after was difficult for me too. I cried saying "I do" (well actually in my language it was a "yes", but you get the picture).

Some things can be a happy event as well. I feel that her birthday is a cause for celebration so I always buy a naice bouquet of flowers for that.

My DH died in February. Our anniversary and my birthday were in April, and his birthday in May. To be honest I was pleased to get them out of the way early. It felt easier. My family have been wonderful. Just got 'first' Christmas and Valentine's to get through now. Dreading Christmas. And also the cruise we had booked for September which I had to cancel.

It's my sisters birthday next week. She died 2.5 years ago... we lay flowers, have a shot of her fave drink but it is still tinged with sadness :(

Thanks for the replies. I'm not good at talking to people about this. Most people don't ask any more, and the one that does has said the 'wrong thing' a few too many times so I don't really want to talk about it with them. I really haven't sorted out how I feel about it all. Day to day things carry on, but somehow it's always there lurking...

I lost my daughter to cancer. I found I was more prepared for firsts, I knew they would hurt.

The worst thing for me was things catching me off guard, shopping and not putting her favourite foods in the basket. Music is still the worst, it can hit you at at time, be on the tv, radio,-a family party.

Small talk is drivel wen you're grieving. Not wanting to be at home, going out and wanting to go home - not being able to settle. Peace had gone.