Helping my son get through traumatic bereavement.

[Babyroobs]

My 17 year old son was coming home from a party with a group of friends a number of weeks ago and one got hit by a car and died a few hours later. My son was first on the scene, called for the ambulance, tried to feel for pulse etc.The next morning he was called to a meeting with his friends ( to be told the friend had died in hospital), but before this could happen the police turned up on our doorstep and broke the news and launched straight into getting my son to give his statement. It has been traumatic to say the least My son seems to be coping ok, he immediately had to sit important exams and that kept him busy in the early days but now he just seems to be going out all the time, at the gym all the time and I hardly see him. It's difficult to gauge how he is.
I didn't know the boy who died but just can't stop thinking about what happened, his parents, the driver and my son having to witness this, the general awfulness of the situation etc. I am still crying a lot 6 weeks later and can't talk about it without crying. I suppose it's the fact it could of been my son that has hit home, and I'm so worried about what effect this will have on my son he has been having some counselling at college but has finished for the year now so that will stop. Does anyone have any tips for coping with this and helping my son though teenage bereavement?

Just to add , he has also been told he may have to attend Coroners court or criminal court if charges are brought and it just all seems too much for a just turned 17 years old to go through?

I lost my best friend in similar circumstances at a similar age. All I can suggest is that you let him guide you. Don’t ever suggest that he should just get over it like my mother did to me.
Encourage him to talk about his friend but don’t push him. I found it very helpful to talk about all the good times I had had with my friend.

Will he be starting uni in September? If so he can probably access counselling services quite quickly there. But otherwise try and get him an NHS referral or private if that was affordable for you, I didn’t have any counselling and I really would have benefitted from it.

Also, be kind to yourself as well, as an adult I can forgive my mum for really not being as supportive as I needed her to, she had known my friend for as long as I had. But it was very hard for me to see that for a while and I do think she could have done more to look after herself in order to be able to help me.

Your poor boy. I had something similar with a family I work with and I referred the woman to victim support. They can support with what's called a cica claim as bystander PTSD counts as a criminal injury.

Your son will need counselling. Have you let his school know? They can make the necessary referrals for you.

Meant to add. Victim support can also support with referrals. Traumatic grief is truly awful and he must be absolutely overwhelmed with all those scary, unfamiliar feelings that are so hard to make sense of. He will get there with the right support.

Thanks SewButtons - sorry to read about your loss, it is such a difficult age for something like this to happen. He has given up on the idea of going to Uni and will be looking for an apprentiship which will be another big change/ upheaval for him. I am so worried for him in the longer term. I think at the moment he is not wanting to talk to me about it as every time we speak I end up crying. He has lost 3 grandparents in the last eight years. one ( my mum ) of whom he was very close too. It just seems too much to bear.

I'm not sure whether he thinks he could have done more, he was frantically trying to feel for a pulse as directed by the ambulance service and just felt overwhelmed and is very angry at the driver who he felt was speeding and didn't stop immediately.

Thanks - I will look into victim support.

This happened to me when I was 11. A person in a group that I was out with stepped out in front of a car and was killed in front of me. Awful.

It was back in the 80s so I didn’t have counselling but I think it would have been useful to have done so.

Maybe encourage him to seek some support. I’m not sure if you’re saying all this stuff to him about crying all the time and feeling that he is too young to go to court/make a statement but it won’t be helpful if you are.

He is a witness to a fatality. I was as a child. There are certain procedures and protocols that come with that. It’s awful yes but someone has died and it’s only right and proper that it’s investigated fully and thoroughly.

All you can do is support him, be there if he wants to talk and give him space if he doesn’t. Try not to burden him with your emotions and concerns (not saying you are but just in case) as that’ll do him no favours.

Thanks Hyena - no I haven't said stuff to him about me crying but at the same time I can't help crying if I am talking abut it to him. I have asked my husband to try to have a chat with him today as he is less emotional , to try and gauge how he is. I'm sorry to hear about what you went through as a child, it is truly awful.

And I understand the Coroners is essential, we went through after my mum's death and it was awful. I suppose as a parent you just want to protect your child from having to go through this.

I’m about to have guests so I can’t talk as much as I’d like right now so feel free to PM me if you’d like.

Let him know that whatever he is feeling is okay though. I was so furious with my friend for ages that the anger scared me (in my case, my friend had been crossing unsafely). I was even mad at her that she had ruined the drivers life because how could he get over something like that, and I didn’t know how to put those feelings together. I was lucky that I had/have a very close and supportive friendship group and we got each other through it and could talk to each other. So maybe let him know that even if he feels he can’t talk to you then at least try to talk to somebody.

In a strange way though, it was a horrible horrible time in my life. But I love the person I am now, and it has made me very aware that I need to take advantage of what I have and make the best of my chances. I am very happy in my life now, and although I’d love to have not gone through that, I don’t know that I would have the life I have now if I hadn’t.

Thanks SewButtons - I think maybe this is why he is spending so much time with his friends, I hope they are supporting each other as there were three other who witnessed the accident too so they are all in the same boat, hopefully they can support each other.

I lost my dad in similar circumstances. I know that the witness who was there and called the police received counselling within a couple of days of it happening so hopefully there is something you can access for your son.

Just to say from the other side of the situation, we were massively thankful to the stranger who called the ambulance and waited with dad. He died instantly but the man still waited with him. We managed to pass on a message through his Mum because we were just so glad that dad wasn’t on his own. I would imagine the family feel similar towards your son. I’m sorry he’s going through this.

Thanks you Rainshowers - I'm sorry to hear what you have been through. By chance my husband got talking to someone today whose teenage son went through a traumatic bereavement and has passed on the contact for a very good counsellor ( locally) who helped him. I am hoping we can persuade our son to see her. Again he has been out all day and I have hardly seen him. He came home at eleven o'clock this evening, and went straight to his room. It's so hard to gauge what is going on.

Op have victim support been in touch? So sorry for what your ds is going through

Thanks MissEliza - no we have had no contact from victim support - should it be routine that my son is contacted or do we ned to initiate it ourselves?

I don't know Op. My ds was a victim of an assault and they contacted me about 5 days after the event. Surely your ds should be receiving their help? My ds absolutely refused to talk to anyone and that was a huge mistake. Please contact them as your ds really needs to talk in order to process things. Bless him. I feel so bad for him. I have boys age 18 and 15 and I know they'd be devastated.

Thanks - I asked the police man that came the morning after the accident if there was any help I could access for him and all he said was to speak to our GP or his College, there was no mention of Victim support. I am hoping he will agree to speak to this counsellor that has been recommended to us.

I would go to the GP then. IME boys do find it harder to process things. Even if he's acting ok he needs the chance to talk with a professional.

www.roadpeace.org

OP, try this charity.
You are welcome to read my thread on this board.
My son is older, but he got a lot of support from his friends when he couldn't talk to me and his dad.
He lost his best friend, then 3 months later, his brother.
He still spends a lot of time talking to his friend's mum. I think he finds it easier.
He may not feel ready for counselling yet. My son is just about ready to do it and we are almost 2 years on.
I am so sorry this happened to him.
IME the coroner was very kind and gentle with the witness to my son's death. All he had to do was confirm his written statement.

Thank you so much endofthelinefinally - I will take a look later. Thanks everyone for your help.

We have had a counsellor recommended to us who sounds very good but he is refusing to go.