Can my mum ever really enjoy things again?

[Understampable]

This is a question for anyone who knows about bereavement following loss of a child. If you do know about this, I'm so sorry that you do.

My sister died 18 months ago, in her 20s, under very difficult circumstances (although, frankly, what circumstances wouldn't be?).
Needless to say, it's truly awful. I know that I for one can never be the same, and sometimes the grief is overwhelming.

My question though is about my mum. Obviously, she's broken right now. But the thing I wonder about is whether she will ever be able to enjoy things again. I see her playing with my kids (her grandkids) and she just always looks like she's having to pretend. It breaks my heart. But I know there's nothing I can do about it, and perhaps there's nothing I can do to help her enjoy life again.

Anyone?

To clarify, I know that there's no "getting over" this, for any of us. And we don't even want to "get over" it. I just want to know if it can ever get easier to bear for my mum, to the extent that she can experience enjoyment again. TIA.

From personal experience I think 18 months is about the time it gets much harder. The shock is wearing off and reality is sinking in. I really feel for your mum. I am glad she has grand children. My son didn't have any children.

So sorry for your loss OP. Still early days for you and your mum. Has mum had counselling? It may help.

I have seen the total devastation it causes. Life is never the same for a mother living without her child whatever age they may be.

I lost my first child and only daughter. She was 18 months old, I was 23.
I went on to have two sons, they are 31, 33 this year.
It took me a lot of years to heal, I mean, about 16 years, before it's sting eased.
Not falling around grief-stricken, just a heavy weight of sadness that I carried whenever I was alone.
I cried a LOT in the bath, then one day I didn't.
Your sister was an adult, there will be lots of illogical and perhaps logical regrets for your Mum to process.
18 months isn't long.
It's long enough to forge a lifelong love for me with my daughter but not long enough for your Mum to recover.
It's a cliche but time is a great healer, you learn how to live with the pain.
Try not to rush your Mum, though I totally understand your sadness and pain, her grief changes so many things for you too.
I hope, one day your Mum feels some happiness but suspect it will always be tinged with sadness at her loss.
So sorry OP

endof, I'm so very sorry. What's your son's age?
What you say rings true about shock wearing off and reality sinking in. I also think mum is "pretending" more because I think she feels like the world expects it more now. I don't know whether to go along with it or make it clear that she doesn't need to do her game face with me.
My sister didn't have kids either (grandchildren are mine). Her nephews and nieces adored her and are also devastated. The world just seems a different colour now.

Yogagirl, thank you. Mum has a great counseller, whose child also died (the same way as my sister - suicide) - they have a real bond I think. I think it really helps, though guess nothing can ease the pain much.

theplanet, I'm so very sorry about the loss of your daughter. I want to say something helpful but I know I can't, and just have this leaden feeling that actually nothing really helps, and there will just always be a sadness to lug about. Sending love.

Thank you all so much for posting about such a devastating subject. It's so kind of you to share your thoughts/experience.

My son was 27. I will never be the same person I was. My health is deteriorating. My life is falling apart. I can't envisage feeling better tbh. I wish I had some hope but it is still very raw.

18 months is still pretty raw. My only comfort in grief was reading something the Queen Mother said - if you knew me, you know how unlikely it would be for me to be even interested in something she said.
She said of grief "you don't get over it but you do get better at it". Don't know if that was plagiarised from someone else. It made sense to me and still does.
I'm sorry about what you are all going through.

Your son was the same age as my sister, endof.
I'm sorry too that you're suffering with your health. I imagine that that must make everything even harder to process?

lostin, that does sound like a helpul message (even to a non-royalist...). 18 months seems forever sometimes, and then is nothing at all.

In my experience it's a loss like no other and with no comparisons. And no I don't think I'll ever be as happy again. Grandchildren bring huge joy in their own right but behind ever joyful occasion is the fact that one child isn't there to witness it

My in laws lost a son in his 20s. My MIL never got over it. My FIL did, but he is not a deep man - he lives in the moment.

I used to be the one who would tell my mum that everything would be OK. She'd ring me and I'd tell her that. Now it can never be OK and I don't know what to say.

matchingpjs, I'm so sorry.
Yes, that's what I thought. Nothing is ever really happy because she can never be there for it.
I hate knowing that whatever grief I'm experiencing, my mum is having it so much worse. (Sorry to make this about me - just don't know how to negotiate it with my truly amazing mum - feel like grieving for her too sometimes).

User, your poor in-laws. Yes, I can't see how "getting over" it could be possible.

Understampable I am so sorry for your loss. I could have written your post as I have been through a similar thing. I lost my DSis last year under sad circumstances & a similar age. You are not alone feeling like this & I feel siblings can get lost sometimes in the aftermath, as if not directly impacted.

My DM has been like a zombie, however, she will not have any outside help- I've begged her. The grief is causing such erratic behavior and she is pushing away those who care the most & saying the most awful things (I know this is the grief, but is still hurtful).

I don't know either if it will get better, at the moment I don't know how it can.

I feel guilty & like we cannot find joy in anything anymore as it highlights someone is missing, Birthdays, mothers day etc are now about Dsis not being here.

Talking about her doesn't help, yet DM's worries we may forget about her. Nothing of hers can be touched but seeing it reminds DM she is gone, at the moment everything has been left.

Sorry such a ramble, but I just wanted to express my sympathy to your situation and that you are not alone. Please make sure you are looking after yourself as well & have someone to lookout for you too.

to all of you who have lost loved ones.

It is so important to talk to your mum and let her talk to you about your sister. I have had people say the most insensitive, terrible things. I only associate with friends and family who "get it". People who care and who talk about my son and share memories.

When you experience a bereavement you certainly find out who your friends are.

The bereavement board on MN saved my sanity and got me through that awful first year. I am so thankful for Mumsnet.

Sorry for everyone on this thread. OP, I think you and your mum can enjoy life again but it may take a while. I lost my older brother to suicide 27 years ago, when he was 27.
The first few years were very tough, and of course life is never the same.

My mum talked about him everyday, to me and to others, and also went to a support group until very recently, which helped her. I think after about 10 years it becomes a new normal, and I would say she did become happier again eventually, while always missing him. But it's only been the last few years where he hasn't been talked about so frequently.
I was very close to him, still cry sometimes. I had no counselling but my best friends also knew him so knew what I'd been through, and sadly for them also had mental illness in their families, so I didn't feel too alone. I couldn't speak about it to new people for years, but after a while I could if I felt the need to.
Gosh that was long! I think if your mum can keep talking about your sister, especially to you and other family and to people who've been through the same thing, she can come to terms with it. And you too.

peachy and Charley, I'm so sorry you have both been through similar. It is a relief to read your posts and not feel alone (though I wish you didn't have this too, obviously).

endof I will make sure I do keep talking with my.mum about my sister. We do a lot, and I'll make sure it doesn't stop. I'm really sorry you've had people being insensitive. Some people have said some truly shocking things to my mum (and me) too. What this does to your social circle is dramatic.

I lost my brother 4 years ago in different circumstances (cancer), It has devastated my mum, but now I can see that she's starting to get on with her life, and has become quite active in civic projects, been on holidays etc. She's still very sad though, as am I really. I think for her, the key has been to accept that sadness. Something I've learnt is that it's perfectly possible to be happy and sad at the same time - they're really not mutually exclusive emotions.

I'm so sorry that you've lost your sister