physical symptoms of grief?

[Wittow]

Hi all, my mum died on the 16th April. It's also the anniversary of my dad's death today (6 years ago) and I am feeling really low. I feel physically very weak, tired to the point of exhaustion, not sleeping, poor appetite and a general feeling of apathy 'can't be arsed' with anything social. Is this normal and how long will it last?

I've been signed off sick for another 4 weeks, am hoping to be right for then...

Guess no one reads the bereavement boards unless they have to...

OP,, so sorry for both the loss of your dad and your mum.
I would say it's absolutely normal to feel the way you do. Of course you're exhausted. The emotional toll on your mind and body will inevitably have physical consequences.

I don't know how long it will last - physically you'll probably be well enough to return to work in 4 weeks but it will take you longer to recover emotionally.

The best way to recover is to be very, very kind to yourself and do all the things you feel like doing WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY ABOUT IT! So if you want to lie in bed til noon, do it. If you want to go for long walks take a sandwich with you and stop for lots of rests. Watch crap TV. etc etc. You need rest and lots of it.

Sorry for your losses
Yes it is 'normal' to get physical symptoms due to grid, and also as a reaction to the stresses caused by the the time leading up to and around the death, also the stuff you have to do to organise funeral and all the other things you have to do. It is also common for the timing to be a little while afterwards, as if you body knows it 'has to keep going' bwhile there are things that have to be done, and now, a month later, all the urgent stuff is done.
As a nurse, it was not uncommon to see bereaved partners and family in A&as with symptoms of heart attacks (chest pain, breathlessness etc) due to grief.
Be gentle with yourself. Take the time to do stuff to help yourself and your peace of mind. Seek someone to talk to, maybe counselling from a bereavement charity, that might help. Also take time to pamper yourself and get back your vitality. Walks in the sunshine, a hairdo, a long bath with nice products, listening to music - whatever will help you get past this difficult time.
You'll get there, but it takes time.

Oh thank you TwitterQueen and FadedRed, interesting that you should say about people with symptoms of heart attacks etc, I have had a feeling of heavyness on my chest and like I can't breathe as deeply as I normally can.... I feel quite aware of my body and do quite a bit of deep breathing because I do yoga and this sensation feels a bit weird.

My boss is coming to see me on Tuesday, apparently it is 'procedure' when someone is off longer than 4 weeks. I work in a job where it is quite emotionally taxing and so I really feel unable to do this right now. I fear that she is going to pressure me into coming back soon.

I know your advice about taking time and doing nice things is good. I am attempting to do 1 nice thing a day. Just a bit lacking in motivation or organisation for anything other than essential stuff right now.

Hi Wittow, I'm sorry for your losses.

I lost both parents in the last 6 years and the pain is very much physical. Everyone feels grief differently, but I know that the pain I felt in my heart wiped me out, it physically hurts.

Allow yourself time to grieve, but if you feel that it's affecting you more than it should / more than you're happy with then please see your GP who can refer you for counselling, which definitely helped me.

I can't say I'm better, I still miss them terribly, but I'm more able to deal with the way I feel now.

All the best

Just to say yes - grief can manifest itself as physical symptoms. My mum died in September and I just took a week off and tried to carry on.
That was a mistake for me - I ended up at the doctors because my heart rate kept going up, I was getting chest tightness and was very anxious. He signed me off for 2 weeks and that helped.

Now though 8 months after losing Mum, I've just been put onto anti depressants and high-dose Vit D to try and address my memory and concentration issues and massive fatigue.

It's worth talking to your GP and maybe getting some blood tests - it might be grief but it might be a vitamin deficiency/anaemia too, and you need to look after yourself even if you "can't be arsed" to do much else. I'm like you, it's hard seeing the point of doing "normal" things, my house is a tip and that probably doesn't help me.....

Take care.

Love and hugs, you will find a way through it, grief will always come but you have to go through it to get over it. That doesn’t mean your mum won’t missed every single day

So sorry for your loss, Wittow. It's very early days indeed, and the coinciding with your father's death amplifies your grief.

Immediately after my DH died, I had a dry mouth and couldn't eat. I became instantly intolerant of sudden, sharp noises to the extent I would jump/flinch. These symptoms have subsided, though when I'm stressed the noise sensitivity comes back, indeed it's often a signal to me that I am feeling stressed. Sleep is completely buggered, and I run on empty. Very close to tears when under pressure. I eat OK, though.

One thing my doctor always asked is are you taking exercise, and I don't think she meant running, it's as much about getting out of the house.

In an excellent book "Coping With Grief", the authors note that it's not unusual for the bereaved to have mimicking "symptoms" of what ever caused the death of the loved one, particularly if sudden and unexpected.

I'm sorry if what I say hints at a long road ahead, but it is, and there will be good things too, pleasurable and fun moments. Look after yourself.

So sorry for your loss. A few days after DH died I had a panic attack, had never had one before, pounding heart, shortness of breath, a deep feeling of fear. Kept getting the pounding heart and got an emergency appointment at the doctors; they did my blood pressure, which was sky high, and gave me an ECG, but said it was symptoms of grief and stress. Have gradually come back down to normal thank goodness, but think it must have been the shock.

I’ve had lots of physical symptoms since my dad died in March. Loss of appetite, feeling sick, losing weight. I’ve had four periods in two months (could be start of menopause - hope not!!) and in the first few weeks I was so so tired. Some days I felt like I was walking through treacle walking was so hard.

I’ve just been on steroids for a chest infection I couldn’t shake too.

I’m trying to do lots of yoga and walking, get out in the sunshine and doing breathing exercises which helps. It’s very hard work some days so jut be kind to yourself and give yourself nice treats if you can.

Hi, just to say thanks to everyone who posted; really appreciate your feedback and it does help to know I'm in the normal range with physical symptoms...

Had an aromatherapy massage, a yoga class and a sleep in the sunshine today, am trying to do one or two nice things a day. Boss came to see me and she said she 'absolutely does not expect me to be in work'... am signed off til mid June, will see how I feel then.

That's a decent boss wittow and the 1-2 nice things a day is a really good idea. x

What a lovely boss. After my father died I think my body literally went into shock. I lost a lot of hair, sleepless nights and I got pains in my chest. Tight sharp pains. My GP at the time attributed it to the sudden loss of my father it was sudden - literally here one day gone the next. I suppose it’s like that for anyone who dies but no warning signs.

It’s not the best thing to say but I do always say time does help. It doesn’t heal but you start to build around that void. Still plenty of gaps and days where I just want to see Dad cos even now 10 years on its all so unfair. Look after you OP you’re very very important

Yes, my boss was really lovely; she's a new to me boss, we've been restructured and the new set up started at the beginning of April so I wasn't sure how she would be as I don't know her too well yet.

I do feel a bit brighter today, sunshine always helps doesn't it... and the heavy feeling in my chest is subsiding, have been doing lots of yoga breathing and meditation type stuff.

When I actively think of the 4 days I spent at my mum's bedside while she was dying I feel traumatised and I'm not sure whether to feel it or distract myself. I have to be strong as a single mum to a 9 yr old DD, who was very attached to her nanny and as a result is feeling terribly emotional too...

My mum was only 68

OP I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my amazing mum on the 26th March, and I honestly did not think you body could physically hurt so much through loss but yet still function. I also have a 8 month old baby, who my mum adored as the long awaiting first grandchild. While I adore my husband, I'm lucky I have my son as I really don't think I would continue to function had it not been for him. I think it is horribly normal to feel the way you do, I keep wondering when it gets to the point of waking up and not crying as the realisation sets in...again. I hope in time you will able to get through the day a little easier, as I don't believe you ever "get over " a loss like that. I truly am sending my thoughts to you and just hope the day becomes a little more bareable for you xx

My mum was 63, and I keep having to leave places as I'm an emotional wreck, seeing mothers and daughters everywhere, shopping, eating out, walking with the pram, and horribly I can't help think , well why is she still here and my mum isn't. I am just so angry at how cruel life is and even when i do drop off I dream lovely dreams of my mum, so when I wake up it's horrendous all over again.

My mum died 20 years ago. When she died I coped quite well (or least I thought I did)but for several years after, the week or two around the anniversary of her death I felt very ill . As pp have said it was a feeling of utter panic, shortness of breath, tightening around my chest. It felt like falling. It was very hard to understand because my mind was knowing the date and my body was reacting. Over time it got much better (although I had other anxiety problems for years).

My dad was 46

Oh duckegg that's my age now! so very sad for you to have lost your dad so very young xx