How do I stop these horrid thoughts

[arghhouch]

I lost my dear mom three months ago, and am coping okay day to day.

But I am having trouble with horrible thoughts about her suffering, the fact that she was alone when she passed in the hospital, that she may have been frightened. We were there around the clock for 2 weeks and then in between visitors she passed. I think of her final moments and that no one was there holding her hand and find it horribly upsetting. I also have unwanted thoughts about the morgue and the crematorium. I don't want to think about this and am trying so hard but it is these things that are the most upsetting for me and I don't know how to get them out of my head.

Actually a lot of people pass when their loved ones leave. I sometimes think it's their last act of control/kindness. Maybe you could think of it like that. Your dear mum wanted to spare you of the distress?

As for your thoughts, try thinking that what made your mum the person she was had left her body so what was left behind was just a shell. If you are religious you would think of it as her soul leaving. If not think of it as her personality, her laughter and her love. Don't be sad for the mortal body.

Not to be cheesy but the love she had for you will still be with you and she'll never leave you because in any given situation you will always know what she would have said. I hope you find some comfort in that.

If dark thoughts take over try and think of happy memories. Grief is so hard. You have my sympathy. Lots of people on here to talk to if you ever feel like you are struggling

I'm so sorry for your loss. Intrusive thoughts are common when grieving. Can you access bereavement counselling or find some resources online?

I felt most vulnerable lying in bed waiting to drop off to sleep, when it all hit me the hardest, so I distracted myself with the radio and books so I didn't have a lot of time with my empty mind before dropping off. Occasionally I took a valium, which I think is completely valid and useful though obvs you need to take care re dependency. I also read The Year of Magical Thinking, which I find very comforting and powerful.

It's a horrible process. You have all my sympathy.

My grandad died in the ten or so minutes or took my aunt to drive home after visiting him. The nurse said that this happens so frequently (in fact, she said too frequently to be a coincidence) and that she thinks it's like they've said goodbye and are now free to let go.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

As others have said it happens very frequently in fact all mine and DHs family have passed when alone, even in few minutes someone taken to go to the toilet. I struggled after my brothers death with images and similar, they really got a powerful impact on me in the end and I had CBT counselling which really helped. I had the choice of face to face or over the phone and I did it from home on the phone as I felt more comfortable with it like that. Sometimes, 4yrs later, I start to have thoughts or images and I can use the techniques to stop myself doing too much so definitely changed things for me. I am so sorry for your loss, but it’s inportant that you recognise your grief and deal with the negative aspects of it to stop it having a really detrimental effect on you, there is no way your mum would want that for you x

So sorry for your loss, arghouch

Agree that it's more of the exception to be there at the end than not. I constantly re-play finding my DH dying (not that I knew it that moment), and wondering what I could/would/should have done. I cry but am not distressed.

I think I get what you imply about the morgue and crematorium. Is it about how she looked, was she cold and alone, the actual burning? Sorry if I'm being too blunt but trying to think it out.

All my rels were buried and I occasionally think about where they are, and how they are getting on. Literally, i.e. becoming one with the loam. Having DH cremated made a difference, he's nowhere to think about (though in the wardrobe, actually). I don't believe in the afterlife so where the body is seems to be more important. I've realised this just now, as I'm writing this.

I've rabbited about me. I'd seek counselling about thoughts you feel are intrusive, upsetting. They are not weird or strange. Death is overwhelming and all the thinking helps it make sort of sense.

Bereavement counselling helped me a lot with those kind of intrusive thoughts. But there are still things I need to avoid because they trigger the imagery - Halloween for example.

Awwwwww I sometimes think the person who passes away doesn’t want someone there when they finally give in, maybe they wait for a line moment.
You might need a bit of grief counselling for your intrusive thoughts. My father passed away last year and it really broke our hearts. If I have a sad thought about what happened I try to instantly replace it with a good thought about either my dad while he was alive, or about the fact he knew he was loved by us, or that he’s out of pain now. Or things I have because of him, like a sense of humour. Or the fact he would not want us all to suffer because of his passing. We should of course be sad, that’s normal and grief always brings some guilt to our minds. Can you try to replace your bad thoughts with good ones. Have some good ones ready, write them down if you need reminders. I hope you feel better soon. Xx

*lone moment, not line xx

My dad died a few years ago now of cancer. We knew it was coming and the family had discussed who wanted to be there when it happened. He had carers in and out throughout the day so was rarely 'alone', yet he died in a 10 minute period where it was just him and mum. I fully believe he chose that moment to go. I do believe that we can choose our final moment and that your mum probably chose that particular time to go. Please don't feel bad about it

I’m so sorry for your loss, and I can totally relate to how you feel. I lost a good friend in violent circumstances and for months and months would fret about whether she had felt any pain, whether she was scared, etc. I couldn’t sleep and would just lie in bed and cry for hours. In the end I went to the GP, who was lovely, and prescribed me some sleeping tablets to take for a week. In fact I didn’t need to take them - just knowing I had them and didn’t HAVE to lie there for hours made me feel much better.

I used to work in a nursing home and I have seen a few people die. All of the deaths I saw were peaceful and gentle. The people just gradually slipped further and further away until they were gone. Nothing sudden, nothing scary. I’ve also been in a morgue and it was a calm and gentle place. Quiet, kind people caring for their charges.

I don’t know if that helps. But I hope you feel better soon.

I started a thread about this last year. I was distraught that my ex p had died on his own in a hospice. I had stopped at a shop on the way their and missed him by minutes. But I believe it’s because he wouldn’t have wanted our ds to be present as he died.

If this is any comfort, where it's obvious that someone is imminently dying and family/friends aren't going to be there most doctors & nurses will try to make sure there's someone there with the patient even if they seem to be deeply unconscious.

When I was an 18yr old HCA I remember us taking it in turns to sit with a lady so that her family could take breaks. Since then have lost count of the number dying patient's hands I've held. We're probably not as good as family, but I hope we're better than nothing.

Walkingthroughawall....Sorry to butt in on this. But can you tell me, if a person was sedated and unconscious, how do they usually go, will they gasp, move or just stop? My mum was dying of cancer and like OP she passed when we went home (20 mins after we left after being with her for 3 days) she was alone because the nurse had popped to the loo. When we returned she had her knees up/bent and I was too worried to ask if they'd put her like that or whether shed moved herself, as to me that would indicate she had panicked. Any info greatly received as it plays on my mind a lot. Sorry for your loss OP.

@rebelrosie, if someone's been unconscious for a while they're unlikely to suddenly wake up and feel panic, particularly if they're having anxiolytic medications (the reason they're unconscious is that everything's slowly turning off because there's no more energy left to support the higher brain functions).

You don't need much in terms of consciousness to move arms and legs though (this is something people struggle with when relatives have been diagnosed as being brainstem dead - their arms and legs can still move quite impressively because of spinal reflexes and that can look like conscious effort even when there's no brain activity).

Not sure if that answers your questions, but hopefully it's reassuring to know that you can move quite a bit without having any conscious input or experience of it.

My Dad had an unpleasant death from cancer last year.I decided to keep occupied and not feel on whether he was distressed in his last days pretty much choking on his contents of his lungs.I focus on his happy fulfilled life and I know he knew we loved him so much.He would not want us to be unhappy on his behalf.Not focusing on some unpleasant sad months.I'm sorry for the loss of your Mum.x

I lost my Mum in February at the age of 94. It helps me to think of things not as a life lost, but as a life richly lived. I think of her achievements: raising two sons in sometimes trying circumstances, being a wonderful grandmother & great grandmother, being a good friend to many, being respected by lots of people who were members of the clubs and societies she served, etc.

Try to fill your mind with all she was and did, the way in which her influence lives on through you, and accept that the pain we feel is only the price we pay for the love given to us. That pain will slowly recede, but the love will live on. Best wishes and condolences to you.

Thank you all. Your kind words mean so much. X

Thanks for your response, walkingthroughawall. That definitely helps.