My daughter died nearly 6 months ago. Today I was sorting out her things and found this letter she had written to me it broke my heart but I though I would share it with you as I have no one else to talk to, I guess she must have written it about a year ago.
I sat and watched the clock waiting for my mum to return home from work. I wasn’t a scared 10 year old who had been left home alone, I was a 28 year old fully grown adult. Having been out of work for a year due to anxiety and depression being with my mum was the only time I felt like me.
Where do I even start? She is everything - my soul mate and the only person in the world who fully understands me and accepts me for who I am.
I was a late but planned arrival coming when my mum was 45. Sometimes I resented having a mum 10 years older than all my friends but I shouldn’t have worried as you could never tell. I used to think 50 was so old but I remember so clearly being chased around the park on my 5th birthday you would have thought she was 20, besides some friends of mine who had ‘young mums’ have already lost them and my mums still going strong at 74. She still works full time - through choice as she says it keeps her young.
I do feel guilty sometimes like I’ve failed her, I don’t have a career like she did, I haven’t given her any grandchildren yet, I can’t afford to buy her fancy things. On some level I think she must feel the same but she never lets on - she tells me to keep going and I’ll get there in the end I just hope she’s here to see it.
I hope to share my love with a child of my own one day as it is such a powerful bond. I never understood people who said they couldn’t wait to grow up, move out and get away from their mums, I can only imagine they don’t have parents as wonderful as mine.
MUM: You’re not a girly girl like me and you were never very good at plaiting my hair or painting my nails, we never did the mother daughter shopping trips that people talk about( that definitely would have ended in an argument). But you were always there whenever I needed you ready to fight my corner.
You taught me how to love, you taught me right from wrong, you taught me how to believe in myself even when life felt too hard to handle but most of all you taught me about the person I want to be. I wish we could be together forever but I know no matter what you’ll always be with me.