Please or to access all these features

Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Disturbing/Complicated Grief

4 replies

poppyinbloom · 08/05/2018 21:16

I posted that my fiance passed away. Well, he was very squeamish. I am too but he was probably even moreso. He died in a horrible car accident. I'm very upset about it. It was such an avoidable death. He wasn't licensed and shouldn't have been driving in the first place. He was "practicing." He had permission to use his family's vehicle and they thought this was okay. This is what he told me. I told him I didn't think he would be a good driver/wasn't prepared. He did it anyway. One of his family members even told me driving was his routine after work. Well, my fiance just thought he was going to go drive around a little bit that night, maybe go get a snack at the shop up the road and then come home. But no, he died when a large truck hit him when he was merely pulling out of the driveway. And then his body was autopsied. This disturbs me so much. I never got to see his dead body and say my final goodbye. Knowing how squeamish he was, it disturbs me at what happened to his body in the end. They did a full autopsy.

The other thing that makes my grief complicated (on top of his family reading our private conversations which is painful enough), my fiance was a compulsive liar. I found out about a lot of the lies AFTER he passed away. But he told HUGE elaborate lies. Things I'm too embarrassed to share here. I'm not talking about little lies. I mean huge, elaborate, unncessary lies. Some of the lies were disturbing. I will never understand why he did this or why he felt the need and I'll never have the answers.

OP posts:
Lostpuzzlepiece · 09/05/2018 09:53

Oh gosh, how awful for you.

I wish I had words of advice but I don't. I do understand how it feels not having the chance to say goodbye. It's gut wrenching. The only thing that vaguely helped was writing a letter to him, even though he'll never read the words or be able to answer.

Sending you hugs and love Flowers

poppyinbloom · 09/05/2018 10:16

I have written him many letters but it just feels empty to me because he can't read it. Right after he died I frantically searched for signs that he was trying to communicate with me. I didn't know if i was wanting to see signs so badly that I would think something was a sign... I would see things (like a deflated balloon on the ground in a heart shape that said "Will You Marry Me?" when I went on a walk)... the skeptical part of me would say it's just a coincidence. I sort of gave up looking for signs. I miss him. I hate not knowing if I will ever see him again.

Thank you x

OP posts:
Lostpuzzlepiece · 09/05/2018 11:55

I know how you feel, looking for signs and wondering if you'll ever see him again. It truly is shit and unbearably hard x

poppyinbloom · 09/05/2018 17:16

It truly is the worst feeling I've ever encountered. He was too young to die. And his death makes me think about my own mortality all the time. I'm too young to live this way. I guess I sort of stopped looking for signs but I'm always open to them if that makes sense. If I had some sort of confirmation that I would really see him again one day then all of this would be so much more bearable. I got super pissed off walking home today. I started thinking about things his family did. I was out of the country, but they had a memorial for him without me and spread his ashes without me, didn't keep any knowing I had requested a small portion. Then I remembered that his ex told me that she knew they had a memorial service for him and heard it from someone else and wouldn't say who. He hadn't seen this ex in years. I believe she found out about it on facebook. I feel livid thinking about this. His mom told me they had the memorial over a month after he died and that they didn't keep any of his ashes for me. They never even told me or I would have been at the memorial. I feel like his mom got some sort of sick satisfaction in telling me they did all that and I wasn't present. She had always been nasty toward me for the last year and his parents were both very emotionally abusive to him as an adult, and physically when he was a child. I have never been anything but kind toward his parents, albeit quiet.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread