Sibling grief - getting harder over time?

[HelpMeFindMyMarbles]

My little sister killed herself 18 months ago. She was in her 20s.

In retrospect I'd say I've "coped" pretty well, and compartmentalised constantly. The kids hate seeing me cry, so I learned not to do it in front of them, and I work full time so have tried to function OK there too. I'm certainly no saint, but I've also tried to be strong for my parents. Which means in many ways I shut it out a lot of the time. Because I live in a different city, it's been easy to pretend to myself that it just hasn't happened.

The thing is, I'm starting to feel like the grief is getting worse rather than better. It's like I suddenly see into the void. Like I'm losing different parts of my sister all the time as I realise she's actually gone. As I remember more and more about our life together as children, about her difficult later years and the myriad ways I could have been a better sister to her.

The world is moving on, her friends are moving on, my kids are now ages she never knew them at (this particularly gets me). She won't see them grow up. I can't talk to her about them, or about getting older, or about my parents. We can't laugh together about our family. There are so many things that happen over time that I didn't even realise I'd need her/want her for. And worse - I can't help her any more. I can't make her tea, or give her a lift somewhere, or give her something good on her birthday. Why didn't I do all these things more when I could?

I've gone off on one here. But my main question was: is it normal for things to feel worse rather than better 18 months in?
Thank you for reading.

I'm so sorry that you lost your sister

It sounds as though you're only now experiencing the grief that you've been hiding from while you've been coping. IME we have a way of only allowing ourselves to feel what we can handle, so maybe you're growing stronger? You've experienced something really sad and traumatic, and this is going to make itself felt one way or another. Having a sibling die by suicide must be so difficult; my brother died from cancer which was devastating, but at least allowed me to go into sadness pretty much straight away. it sounds like you're going into a similar phase, so this is just your grief progressing.

IME yes. You do just push on. I think also, people underestimate losing a sibling....but they are your guaranteed lifelong constants, so it's very hard when they disappear.

I felt like my parents were allowed to grieve more than me, because of the horror of losing a child, but i felt so very very lonely.

Also, as time goes by, all the little (and sometimes big ) things and events stack up and you feel their absence more keenly.

I also felt very adrift, life still rolling on, but part of me stuck back in time at that moment when I still had a sibling. I still feel a bit split, like a part of me stayed locked away, at the age i lost the sibling. thinking about them as time went by got harder, as I felt i was growing away from them in age and experience, and felt more keenly the milestones they would now never reach.

I became a much less cheery person, and a lot tougher. I've tried to soften the edges but I have to accept that I am different. I also lost the person who shared most of my childhood experiences with so have lost my point of reference or shared memory bank.

In addition, I feel anxiety and loneliness at the idea of having to deal with my parents declining and eventually dying...suddenly it dawns on you that you won'd have a companion to face all that with.

Having your own kids also compounds it, I really mourn for the auntie my kids will never have.

Agree with PP, suicide adds another element to cope with. I attended grief counselling...both at the time, and years later when I became a mum and it all brought it to a head again. was v helpful.

Poudrenez and Rumer, I'm so sorry to hear about your siblings.

I've just been nodding furiously reading your posts.

I feel like a different, sort of tougher person, too, Rumer, with a new shell. And with chunks of the inside missing or pummeled beyond recognition. And a huge part of me has simply sort of stuck at the point she died, and can't accept getting older now that she isn't.

I think you're right, Poudrenez, that sometimes we start to face things when we're ready. And perhaps I'm readier now some of the layers of shock have peeled away. I still don't feel anywhere near ready to truly face it, but then I suppose no one ever does.

I missed off the thanks for your posts, Poudrenez and Rumer. It's really helped to not feel alone.

I lost my dad to suicide in 2011 and have only really started to get over it properly this year.

I felt like it was almost a "less valid death" and people felt it was ok to say things to me like "how selfish of him" and "he must have been very ill in the head to do that" so I found it really difficult to grieve properly at the time and also just got on with it and looked fine to others but inside I was crumbling.

After about a year, I really started to feel it and I am still not the person I was before. How he killed himself was very particularly traumatic and unusual and caused many nightmares after seeing him on life support (think severe burns). I also lost the capacity to care as much for things other people were going through and would think "hmm, that's nothing compared to what I've been through" and I'm sure it showed.

People wouldn't mention him and it was almost like he didn't exist. I'm so sorry about your sister and I hope you start to heal in time.

I think 18 months is nothing tbh and im not suprised you feel as you do. What a terrible thing to have to deal with. Not my personal experience but a dfriend lost her sister in her 30s and always says she has never stopped missing her and found it pretty unbearable to see others with their sisters.

I'm really sorry for your loss, Cabawill. I relate to pretty much everything you're saying.

AJP, thank you for your post and your understanding - greatly appreciated.