Need a hand to hold... what should I do?

[poppyinbloom]

I posted previously about my fiance. He died in a car accident. He was from another country.. a developing country that is known for being dangerous. His family was not particularly kind to me after he passed. This caused a lot of pain on top of the grief I was already experiencing. It's all still new and fresh and has been around 3 months.

They had a small memorial and spread his ashes without me. I am considering going back to his country to honor him in my own way. would visit the spot they spread his ashes, visit some of our favorite spots. Trouble is, I would have to go alone as I don't have anyone who could travel with me. And I can't just go for a walk alone there as it isn't safe. I would be in a rental car and would basically have to stay in the car when I go places/can't get out and walk around very far from the car or where other people are (no walking down the beach by myself and the beaches there this time of year are quiet).

Also I would be getting off the plane and him not being there to meet me at arrivals would be painful. I need to make the decision very soon. I would go there for a month and stay in a rented apartment. His family lives in that area.. and I am not sure if I should even attempt to make contact/tell them I'm in the area. His brother hacked into his email, read our private messages and sent me a hateful email a week after my fiance passed. It has added a lot of emotional torment/pain on top of the grief I am feeling. I have no family support (abusive/broken family) and only a few friends, but no close friends. So very little support. My fiance was my support and now he is gone. Help, what should I do?

I'm not sure I would go tbh

So sorry for your loss

I'm so sorry. As hard as it is, I don't think it's safe for you to go there alone. And it doesn't sound like his family will be receptive to you. I think I would find a way to remember him where you are and maybe go to say goodbye in the future when you have someone to go with you.

I meant to write that I wouldn't be able to get out and walk around where there aren't any other people in the area (like quiet beaches, etc which is one of the spots we used to go to).

The problem is if I don't go I will always have this feeling itching away at me like I NEED to go back there. Then I tell myself that HE isn't there anymore. I just have to get closure somehow. I want to visit the spot he died. but it is right outside his family's house!

I'm sorry to read of your loss which has been compounded by the awful behaviour of your fiances family.

In truth I would not go if I were you. I would only go if I had someone to support me and you say you won't get that from his family and don't have anyone to go with you. Your fiance left there for a reason, he made his life with you in a new country; for those reasons I think you could pay your respects in your country and not need to visit one he didn't want to stay in himself.

Equally, you would stand out like a sore thumb there and could unwittingly draw extra attention; either from his family or undesirable locals.

I completely understand your need to grieve and pay your respects but from to what you've posted I don't think the way you're considering is the right way

Oh you poor soul. This is all so terribly sad. My heart says, "Go", but do it for you and for his memory- make no attempt at all to contact his family. Dig your fingers into the earth that was his. Follow the paths and the footsteps of the man you love, in the place he was of. All of this would be incredibly painful but mostly very healing and ritualistic. It is a final embrace, a release.
But that's my heart talking.
My head says, "Don't go". I'd be very worried that you would come to harm if his family found out you were there- and chances are they would find out and who knows how they would respond (not good, is my guess). The country itself is dangerous. His family could be very nasty, very vindictive, and you just don't know how far they would go to hurt you.
This is a very, very tough decision to be facing on top of the heartbreak and grief you are suffering.

Scootingthebreeze, my fiance was still living in his country at the time of his death. I will just go ahead and tell you, he was from South Africa. He was living in a nicer part of South Africa at the time of his death and he still lived with his family but was wanting to move out soon. He wanted me to move there and be with him. We were going to get married in May (this month). I was hesitant to move there, have a baby there (we desperately wanted a baby right away... and that is another part of my grief).

TheVanguardSix, the way you've written it is precisely what I'm feeling. My heart says go, my head holds me back and makes me hesitate. I don't think that his family would try to hurt me physically or anything and there is no way they would find out where I'm staying. His mother asked me to send her pictures of him in a text she sent (over a month after he passed away). She made me wait over a month to learn the details of his death and how he died. She then told me that they had a memorial and spread his ashes without me and she knew I wanted some of the ashes, but felt that it was nly right to spread his ashes "in entirety." I also feel it would have been right to respect what he would have wanted, which would most certainly have been to include the woman he loved.
I never replied to her last text because I am afraid. I wanted to ask her for a few of his clothing items, but I'm also afraid to ask. If she said something cruel or told me no, it would break what little strength I have left. He was my best friend. He was my family. And now I feel I am totally alone in the world.

As much as you are hurting poppy I think it would be better for you if you listened to your head at this time.

I think that even if you visited SA, it wouldn't ease your sadness, you would be restricted in the places you could go to, and his family would not offer you kindness or comfort.

Added to that you could be in danger of being mugged or similar. Also renting an apartment for a month alone could make you feel. very isolated and vulnerable.

Far better to stay here, there are ways that you could mourn here, and presumably you have friends and family here who will support you at this sad time.

Have you thought about doing some grief counselling which might help you? Or doing something yourself that would mark your fiancé's passing? Maybe make a memory box of your time with him, or write him a letter about your feelings, then tear it up and scatter it in a river.

Grief and loss are difficult to get over, and there is no set timetable, everyone is different, some days will be better than others. You lost not only the man you love, but also the future life you had planned, no wonder your sadness is overwhelming.

I know it's dangerous in some parts, but I would be in a relatively safe part of SA. I would also be smart about when and where I go out. I just feel like if I don't go, it will always be nagging me. Also I don't have residency in the UK and will have to leave and go back to my country shortly and it's easier for me to travel to SA from here rather than going back to my home country and then going from there (much further).

I really don't have family support anywhere and I have very few friends, none that I would consider close friends. This has been a very lonely mourning process. And none of my family or friends ever met him because he never had the money to travel to me. It was kind of one-sided in that I always traveled to him. I still can't believe he is gone and I feel like going to the place he died and where his ashes were spread might help me find some sense of closure and/or peace. He wanted me to move to SA and have a baby there, which I still don't quite understand as I wouldn't have felt completely safe there and didn't know what kind of future a child would have had there...

I do feel very overwhelmed with sadness. I was a little older than him. I feel like I'm starting over with nothing. I spent years investing time and money into that relationship. It wasn't easy going to travel to him all the time. I feel like I've been robbed and have lost everything... Our relationship was very complicated and I've been finding out lies he told left and right. Not necesarrily malicious lies, but very elaborate stories that didn't need to be told. He made up complete lies about himself to either gain my sympathy or make himself sound more impressive. He also probably lied about things about me to other people...

I feel violated because his family broke in to all his accoutns (email, whatsapp, everything) and went through our conversations, intimate photos I sent him. I'm a very private/shy person and I put complete trust in him. I never imagined this stuff would be read by anyone else (or seen). A part of me feels this anger and rage because when I have shared that this happened with the few family members/friends I have, they don't seem to bat an eyelash. The fact his family did this on top of my grief just feels completely outrageous and traumatic. I don't think most people would like their conversations with their partner being read by third parties. It's a horrible feeling. His brother then sent me a nasty email less than a week after my fiance passed. His brother didn't really know me, was rarely around, and didn't have much of a relationship with his brother (but blamed me and somehow I am at fault for that too in his mind).

I really want to go back there... it is so far away. In some ways it all feels like a dream now. A painful dream. It's like he vanished.

I'm so very sorry that you are going through such a sorrowful time. I can see that you would like to pay your respects, honour his memory and have some closure. I would worry that you'd be very vulnerable in your grief if you travelled. Perhaps you could do something in lieu of travelling...setting up a small student award, making a donation to a charity in his remembrance etc.

I've already made donations in honor of his memory. I've written him letters. I've done all that. That really doesn't fill the void I have. It doesn't bring me any sense of peace or calm. We were going to getting married this month. This was supposed to be my wedding month. I can't help but feel anger and sadness when I see other couples getting married, starting a life together. It was ripped away from me and him.

I understand now Poppy. I can see that you've done everything you can to mark his passing. I have lost someone close to me recently and I couldn't go to the funeral by the time I found out (I live too far away). I've made a donation to a cause and had a bench dedicated. But your situation is more complex because your lives were entwined and it's all been taken away. I think there is a bereavement charity called Cruse who might be of help. Sometimes it's helpful to talk to someone who is a counsellor rather than a close friend. I can see he meant the world to you.

I'm posting here again because I'm really struggling tonight. I just feel so many emotions. Sometimes I feel anger at him. I spent thousands going to see him and just to be able to spend time with him. He used to keep tabs on what he spent on me which was nothing in comparison. He would say he was from a much poorer country and he couldn't help it. But I did all the running. I have scoliosis (Not visible looking at me but it's there) and it's painful to do long flights. He kept a running tally in his mind of what he spent on me and would even remind me years later that he spent all this money on flowers sent to me back in 2015 or whatever. I feel anger. I invested time and money into him and sometimes even when I had rental cars so we could go do stuff together/make memories, he would demand to be taken home because he had enough for the day (and we had maybe been out an a few hours at most), tell me I couldn't go into a food market to grab something because he wanted to go home, etc and I was driving and paying for the car, but I was being told what to do!). I feel anger toward his family for treating me the way they have. They read our private messages. I feel violated and embarrassed. I bared my soul to him.

I feel sad and lonely, especially when see other couples. I feel like I'll never get to be able to become a mother. Life just sucks. I miss him but I also feel anger at him. He saved everything I ever sent him and backed it up on multiple devices. It makes me angry. He had intimate photos of me and his family has seen everything. I don't think can ever be fully open with someone ever again.

I'm still really battling whether should go back there or not and it is driving me crazy. I feel like I need to do it. It is a beautiful place but can be dangerous. We were going to have a life there.

He drove unlicensed and made that decision (his parents also told him he could use one of their vehicles)). Yet another reason I feel anger. This so easily could have been avoided and did not need to happen. It was a very stupid choice on his part.

Just seen you posted again. Sorry I don't know what to say but please know I'm thinking of you