Writing to a friend who's dying

[Rainatnight]

I'm not sure if this is the right place for this but I'd be so grateful for any advice.

Have you ever written to someone who's dying, to say how much they meant to you? What did you say?

My ex from university has just a couple of months to live. We parted on amicable terms but I haven't seen him in a long, long time, mainly because I emigrated and we fell out of touch.

I'm told by his friends that he does want to be in touch with people and likes hearing from them.

I just have a real urge to tell him how much he meant to me and that be made me really happy. And I thought I'd just add a couple of funny reminiscences.

But what do you think? Is that ok? Have you ever done similar?

Thank you.

A school friend of mine is terminally ill. She hopes to be able to come to our school reunion in October but it sounds doubtful. I asked her yesterday what her old school friends could do to help and she's asked us to share memories, jokes and generally just keep in touch. I'd say writing to your friend with some happy memories of the time you were together would be something he'd welcome.

I'm sorry that he is so ill.

I haven't written to anyone in similar circumstances but I would do and think you should. I would be honest, write about the fun times you had together and with other uni friends, things he may gave forgotten. I would tell him how much he meant to you at that time and how he had a positive impact on your life.

My feeling is that you'll regret it if you don't do it.

Yes, that's it, I think I'll regret it. I regret not having seen him again, but you think you have all the time in the world and that one day of COURSE you'll catch up again, but then, wham with the bloody cancer.

But I don't want to do it just to benefit me, IYSWIM, cos I'm obviously not the important one here.

Thank you, Sweetest, it's very helpful to hear about your friend (and I'm sorry for you both)

I have written to someone who was dying. I wrote what she meant to me, that she had accomplished good and touched people. I added a few stories of things I remembered, things we had done together and I promised to look after her parents after she was gone. She apparently kept it on her notice board until her last day. She was 14 years old. It was REALLY hard to write it and I still tear up thinking about it, but I am so glad I did as it clearly meant a lot to her.

I hear you but I think it will benefit you both .. it might provide you with closure almost especially as you've not been able to see him. For him, well I imagine itd be lovely to really know how you felt at the time and how happy he made you. Him being himself made you feel special, tell him how thoughtful he was, funny etc. Don't 're write history, just be honest.

When my Mum was dying we arranged for a book to be made for her. It included a life time of memories & photos from a hobby she had invested 50 years in from close friends.
She was given the book a month we found out it was terminal & she absolutely loved it. Two years on, we still read it & smile. My DF treasures it.
Such a special gesture.

I think that would be a lovely thing to do.

I wrote to a much loved teacher when I heard he was dying. Just thanking him and telling him about the impact he had on me and the other kids. It was probably more for my benefit (and maybe he partner's), but it felt like a good thing to do. I later found out that the letter was read out as part of his eulogy.

We should probably all spend more time letting people know what they mean to us, tbh.

My dad really valued a friend from afar writing to him in his last few weeks, the friend wrote about their shared history, and reminisced. He wrote about the good times they’d had and how much their lifelong friendship meant. I’d totally recommend doing it, I think it is good that’s it’s for your benefit too. It will help you remember your friend fondly and the good times you’ve shared, as well as give your ex a few smiles over some happy memories at such a terrible time.

Yes, do it. How often people go through life not knowing what they mean to people. People are often not honest. I think he'd appreciate it.

I have - I wrote to my grandfathers partner to say how kind she was in sending we so many special books as gifts over the years. They lived thousands of miles away but her gifts were so appreciated.

I don’t know how she felt about it but I think better to say than not so I would go for it.

You sound a really thoughtful person OP. I think it’s a lovely idea and I am sure your friend will be pleased to hear from you.

I did it recently to a friend who I had lost touch with just because we both moved away & our lives were in different places. She was dying of cancer & I just wanted to tell her how sorry I was that she was having such a shit time and that I was thinking of her.
It was so hard to write & I have no idea if she read it but it felt like the right thing to do & it gave me a chance to tell her how much she had meant to me.
She died a few weeks later & I couldn’t go to the funeral (I live overseas) and in a way that card was my closure

Do it. With luck your friend will be able to read it and know you cared. If not, their loved ones will know they were loved.

An ex of mine was a person I was always on excellent terms with though not meeting often. I went to see him when he was dying, and yes your thought about it being for you is spot on. Towards the end, the dying are often so busy getting on with it that all the rest is making the soon-to-be-breaved feel better about a shitty situation.

And that is a good thing too.

Thank you so much, all, for your thoughtful replies, and for sharing your own experiences. I really, really appreciate it.

sosad and strongandlong I think you've hit the nail on the head about telling people the difference they've made, while they're alive. It was thinking about his funeral that made me think of it particularly, that it would be a shame that he wouldn't hear all the nice things being said about him.

My DM has a terminal illness too, and it's focusing my mind on telling her what she means to me.