how to deal with your mother dying?

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My mum passed away suddenly in February at aged 42, alone on the kitchen floor, found by my 15 year old brother. At the time, I was at University in the next city over. Her death made me the oldest person in my whole family, at age 20, as all of our other family members passed in the last 5 years. I struggled to pay for the funeral on my own, which has left me thousands of pounds in debt, but I was determined to give her the send off she deserved. I'm struggling to deal with the sense of isolation and loneliness since her passing, as we spoke daily. Friends don't know how to react or what to say, which just leads to either pity or isolation, which is frustrating and why I am posting this on here.

It's extremely upsetting to me, as she was a very unlucky woman, however things were just starting to go her way in life. Particularly, she was a very proud woman - she was ecstatic for mine and my twin brothers graduation this year, our 21st birthday and our brothers 16th, and she finally got round to booking our first family holiday. Even though it's been two months, I can't seem to stop thinking about it. The most difficult thing about it is the disturbing night terrors I've been experiencing every couple of nights. They always seem to focus around her death - dreams where she is alive but dies in front of me, or nightmares where she's decays in front me. I wake up in confusion and panic, screaming and crying for several minutes before I realise I'm awake.

Does it get better, or will I feel like this indefinitely? Any advice or even sharing personal experiences would be appreciated, as I'm unsure what else I can do to start dealing with it better.

Oh you poor thing - no wise words here but lots of sympathy - you are so young to be dealing with losing your mum. Maybe a good first step would be to go and see your dr - help to get some sleep and maybe some counselling?

It sounds like you are still in shock, have you seen your doctor to ask for some counselling? Both my parents died suddenly, within a year of each other, when I was in my early thirties, 3 children under 5 including a newborn. Also just moved house, I was too busy for counselling but sought it a few years later. I wished that I'd tried to get it sooner. You are very young to be coping with all of this. I dream about my parents too, quite often but thankfully they are happy dreams. At least you have the comfort that your Mum knew how well your brother were doing and how proud she was of you both. I don't know what else to recommend but maybe there are some organisations that you could ring for some help and guidance to help you cope at this time. Or maybe at your university? 💐 x

I have never experienced a close loss, so in that regard I can't offer much help. Therapy is an option to help you deal with the isolation you feel and to really comprehend the loss and your new position in the family, as well as the advice that I think you are normal in your reaction; it is a very short period of time and you shouldn't feel pressured to rush it through.

I noticed, from your writing, you're very good at expressing yourself. Would writing it down in a diary or as poems perhaps be an outlet to help you deal with it?

I’m so so sorry for your loss. I was very close to my mum and I lost her 3 years ago just after I turned 30. It’s the worse loneliness especially when you used to speak with your mum everyday. I also used to speak to my mum every evening and I miss those daily catch ups more than anything. I hated people telling me time was a healer. I miss mum more than ever now but the rawness and shock of her death has eased. I really recommend counselling with CRUSE. This was a big help for me in the first 6 months. It’s a free service and the counselling is provided by those who have also been bereaved so they really understand.

I would definitely see your gp for help with the night terrors. So sorry you’re experiencing that.

I found a great online support group on fb called uk motherless daughters. There are lots of younger people on there who have lost their mums.

I wish I could offer more advice. But I just want to say it really does get easier. And I never ever thought I’d say that in the months after mum’s death. Your mum would be so incredibly proud of you. You’ve been so strong. But it’s ok to not feel strong and you deserve any support possible.

No great words of wisdom from me but I want you to know you're not alone and what you describe seems perfectly normal

I lost my dm last year after a short illness. I had the privilege of spending her last hours with her and holding her hand as she died.
I have dreams where I am on the ward where dm died but it's me that is dying instead. I feel the physical pain and wake gasping for breath. It's truely terrifying but I think it is part of the grieving process as I am so sad at my loss that I wish it had been me instead?
Your dreams suggest that you are still in shock at your mum's death? 2 months is still very recent. I don't think grief ever leaves us, it just gets easier as you learn to live without someone you love but that takes time.

I am older than you, in my 30's with a dp and 2dc to share my burden with and I find that every day is hard. I miss everything about dm; I miss her hugs, her advice, her plain speaking but mostly I just miss her!

Lost my DM 10 years ago in my 20’s, for me it has got better in the sense that time has passed and my life has changed (now married with 2DC)

At the time counselling accessed via the GP was invaluable. I needed someone to speak to, frequently, about my DM in a way my friends and at the time BF could not support / empathise with

Would highly recommend you go to your GP and ask for bereavement counselling

It’s tough. Even now people don’t quite know what to say when I mention my DM died

So sorry to read what you are going through. I would suggest some counselling if you can access it. I lost my mum suddenly and tragically 10 years ago and the sense of pain has lessened over time , it never goes away, you just learn to live with it really. I hope you manage to find some support, it is very early days for you.

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost a much beloved grandparent at a similar age, and (twenty years later) my mom. I'd agree with the person above who said it doesn't exactly go away, but you get accustomed to it. I still think about my mom every day, ten years after I lost her ... but over time the grief and pain that accompanied those thoughts were replaced by other, more bearable feelings.

I'm 25 years old and lost both parents to cancer within 6 months of each other 3 years ago. I won't lie to you - mum was my best friend and it hasn't got easier with time. I think of them all the time. You have my deepest sympathies and only wish I had some better advice x

I am an orphan too. A friend recently asked me if it gets easier with time. I said no - you just get more used to it. You and your brothers have had a terrible shock and you have been catapulted into being the main female adult. No wonder you are suffering.

But - how lucky your mum was! She had three children who loved her and she loved them. Although sudden, she died at home where she wouldn't have known anything about it. One day the happy memories of her will take over from the sad ones. Perhaps contact Cruse for some counselling, it might help.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum on 2nd March after a very short illness. It is devastating. I'm 49, my birthday was exactly 4 weeks after she died, but in that 4 weeks we had my sister's birthday, my daughter's birthday and my brother's birthday, plus the funeral.

I don't know that I am coping, but I know I can access counselling through a programme my employer provides.

I can only imagine how you feel, I'm not ready to be an orphan at 49