Mourning period - what did you do?

[DRDG]

There is serious illness in the family and we nearly lost someone very dear to us earlier this week. Needless to say there are a million thoughts going through my head at the moment. One of them concerns the mourning period and it occurred to me that I am really unfamiliar with what people usually do in the weeks and months following the death of a loved one.

I know that these days there aren’t any set ‘rules’ for what is acceptable behaviour in these situations but somehow I don’t think I’d feel ready to party within the first few months immediately following a death, for example.

For those of you who have experienced the death of someone close to you, what did you do with regards to socialising and celebrating? Was there pressure on you to just get on with things and act ‘normal’ fairly soon, or were you given time and space to mourn? Would love to hear about your experiences.

Thanks

I lost my DH 6 weeks ago and I find it best to try to go on as normal. It takes your mind off things a bit and you feel like a proper functioning person for a couple of hours or so. I have been out for lunch a few times with friends and ex-colleagues, and been to my wine club. I have booked tickets for the cinema and for a concert and am going to a coffee morning this week. I am planning on going shopping in our nearest big town this week and will treat myself to lunch (and wine!). It is my birthday on Friday and I am going to have my hair done and have bought myself a mini bottle of bubbly to celebrate - DH would have wanted me to. People have just said to grieve in my own way, and this is my way of coping, I haven't felt any pressure at all to 'get over it'. I spend enough time on my own at home and have often cried and screamed; sometimes when I'm out I do get a bit tearful . Every day is bad, but some are less bad than others. You must do what you feel is right for you, there is no 'right' way to grieve, everyone is different.

somehow I don’t think I’d feel ready to party within the first few months immediately following a death, for example

You'll be surprised. I had a lot of preconceived ideas of how I'd cope after a death of a close family member. In reality I coped better initially than I expected. It was my mum's best friends 60th birthday about 6 weeks after my Dad died. She was having a get together in the house & invited my Mum. It was touch & go but she went and she was glad she did. It was the first time she'd seen a lot of people since he died or since the funeral. People were delighted to see her but nobody dwelt on things because it was her friends night. She went home after a few hours emotionally exhausted but glad she went.

Not one person there thought it was too soon. You need to do what feels right. Don't assume you need a so called period of mourning. You do what's best for you

IME grief isn't something that just diminishes gradually over time, it's up and down, on and off, tears and laughter, you name it. I went to the cinema the day my brother died. I'm not sure why. I had a nice afternoon, having suffered the most visceral, violent sadness all morning. I'm glad I did it. I would say follow your gut, it's OK to be social, or not.

And don't expect to feel anything straight away. You've been so busy, physically and mentally, that it may even take a few weeks/months for you to get your head around it. I'm sorry. It's really shit.

I felt relief when Dad died.He had cancer for years that went to his spine and brainS wanted to die in the weeks prior to going.I fully expected to call apart and didnt.Even his funeral was a nice day.The weeks after the enormity of never seeing him again has me a bit fearful and special times like Easter 6 months on felt sad.No one can predict grief and you may surprise yourself.Sorry you are asking this questuion.x

to all of you here.

We were due to go to a Christmas party 3 days after DD died. We thought long and hard about whether to go or not. It was being held in our community and we decided that it was a good way to see lots of people who would have heard about DD and we wanted to see them as soon as possible to get all the condolences over and done with. In the end we decided to go, have the meal and stay for a little while longer but not stay all night. We were glad that we did.

I know a few were surprised that we were there but we did what was right for us and it was fine. We also 'did' Christmas - although much more low key. It's surprising how quickly you can pull present buying and dinner together when you've only got 3 days after the funeral to do it all!

My absolute warrior of a husband passed away in Wednesday. What have we done since well the
Children have got up and gone school (their choice ) and done their usual activities.

We lost someone dear this week. So far we have pretty well stuck to our normal routines, although DH had a couple of days off work. The DCs and I have gone to school, work and usual evening things. DH and I are going out with friends tonight. I don't think it's really sunk in yet, but keeping busy seems to be helping.

You just kind of carry on. My dad died 4 weeks ago tomorrow. I went back to work after a week (he’d been ill and I’d been off work the last week of his life to be with him) and you still have to do the washing up and cook and eat etc.

I haven’t felt very sociable during the tear of his illness and still now don’t massively. I am keen to get back on with my life and get back on track with all the things I’d wanted to before he was diagnosed )get fit, lose weight, learn a language, travel more, join new hobby groups). However it’s still one day at a time for me atm so I know I it will be a little while before I get there.

♡ to all here.

My dh died at the end of last month. Funeral next week. He had cancer and was ill for a while, and we knew he wasn't going to get better. 2 kids under 10.

I have felt surprisingly ok. After half term we got back in school routine. I have been out with friends for coffee and lunch (I think they are worried about me being on my own) and had people round to the house. Knowing dh he would've been ok with me doing what needs to be done and keeping busy.

I have lost my parents already, and certainly felt more of a 'mourning period' with my mum (died before kids arrived). I think having to 'carry on' for then has helped me.

Please mourn in your own way, and don't feel like you must (or mustn't) do certain things. However you react, it is to do with how you feel and that is a very personal thing.

Much love

What everyone else said - it's an entirely personal thing.

My mum died a month ago, although in some ways it feels like it was a long time ago. I have just carried on, to be honest. I definitely feel less sociable, but getting out and about with friends has been fantastic and they just let me do stuff at my own pace. I think about mum a lot but I'm in total denial that she's gone. I may end up slowing down when I start to realise that she's not coming back. I may fall apart completely.

I was back to work a week after she died, and at work two days after the funeral. I prefer to keep occupied tbh. People were surprised I came back so "soon", but I'd rather not sit at home on my own.

When my mum died I had a week and a half off work because I had to empty her house and arrange the funeral. I went back to work then had a day off for the funeral and went back to work the day after. After that I carried on as before. I didn't not do anything. I believe that life goes on and although I was obviously very very upset I couldn't see the point in staying off work to sit around doing nothing or not socialising. I don't believe that you have to mourn in a specific way or do what people think you should do or what society tells you to do. I don't understand what people mean when they say you need time to mourn? I miss my mum everyday. I don't for instance, need to take a day off work on each anniversary of her death like some people do. But each to their own. Do what feels right for you.