can't make the funeral

[GoSuckAFart]

My granddad died this week and the funeral has been arranged for 2 weeks time. Its on a weekday.

I live the other end of the country and I just cant find several hundred quid to get myself and a special needs DC there. Our transport is limited to what DC can handle - train rather than coach, taxi rather than bus and all this in a city DC isnt familiar with. An overnight stay would require a hotel. Less stressful for DC if the door can be locked and DVD player plugged in with fave movies than the comings and goings of people DC really doesnt know.

I am OK to not go despite being very close to him. Our extended family is a bit of a mess and I know there will be some kind of grief/falling out when there. There is history of such behaviour at other family gatherings especially if alcohol is involved.

how best can I tell my close family I wont be going? I know this is going to cause a lot stress and disappointment. Probably even a falling out and people not talking to me. It has happened before.

any ideas?

Can anyone lend you the money? I have two kids with asd so I completely understand. Anyone with anyone empathy will understand that your situation is difficult.

I assume you have to take your DC with you and they cannot be left with their dad?

sorry should've added that in the post.

Single mum and I dont want to get a load of any kind. We've had an income cut recently of £200/mth and things are a bit tight so paying back a loan wouldn't be feasible

I’m sorry for your loss. You are obviously in a difficult situation; would your family not understand that your attendance would be impractical? Failing that, some funerals can be live-streamed if the equipment is in place.

I'm very sorry for your loss. Just explain to your family that you will be marking the day in your own way but cannot actually be at the funeral. Could you get the day off anyway and do something in memory of your Granddad?

Getting time off isn’t an issue.

I’m just fearing a big fallout.

Already had my mother tell me I am not trying hard enough to sort this out. Every possible solution will cost £250 minimum. The easiest and stress free solution just over £400.

I know my absence will be talked about but it’s several hundred miles away.

If I could drive this really wouldn’t be a problem.

I will try talking to my gran but I know it’s going to upset her.

Is it possible for your family to help pay towards your transport costs?

Sorry for your loss OP

Sorry for the loss of your DGF and fully understand your situation, not to mention the possibility of family conflict, but suggest you contact the funeral director as they can livestream the service for those who can't physically attend.

It can be done quite easily via phone/iPad/etc if they don't have elaborate hardware, although the quality might not be as good...but, imho it would be better than missing out completely.

Hope this helps? ;-)

Sorry for your loss OP. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t go. I know your grandfather would understand totally, were he here. You don’t need your DC stressed out any more than possible, and that is going to cost you £450 that you just don’t have. You are wise to refuse to get into debt, especially when you are on a limited income. You have to just tell everyone, especially mum, that you sadly are unable to make it. You don’t even have to tell them why. As you have said, mix relatives with alcohol and there’s more angst. You don’t need that. If they’re going to talk about you, let them, you’ll be far away and best out of it. You paid your respects to your grandfather long before he passed by being close to him. Let the others squabble and gossip but you don’t need to be there to listen to it.