Grief and guilt

[Lamazedragon]

I lost my beautiful mum in September last year. She had been diagnosed with a type of lung disease 6 months before she died. The first time she was admitted to hospital I was also in hospital giving birth to my second child. A difficult post partum time followed with health problems for me and baby, as well as getting used to having two children, caring for a newborn without my older child feeling left out etc. I visited my mum as often as possible during this time, and she loved my children, I am so grateful she got to meet my second born. However it took a while for me to realise how seriously ill she was. It was only in July (two months before she died) that I found out it was a terminal illness, from my own research I found that people with this illness lived on average 3-5 years from diagnoses. I was devastated but I was also hoping she had more time. I carried on visiting her with the kids about once a week. The next time she was hospitalised in September I visited her every few days. I last saw her on a Friday and said i would try to visit at the weekend. My OH was busy with work over the weekend and I hadn't managed to arrange any childcare. I planned to visit her on monday when my OH could have the kids. Sadly she died on monday morning.

We were very close and I always lived nearby all my life and saw her weekly after leaving home. She spent lots of time with my older child and did have a lot of cuddles with my baby too. I know I did my best as a daughter but I'm haunted by my actions in her last weeks and days. I had no idea she was so near the end, no one gave us any time frame, and doctors at a meeting after her death said they thought it was sudden too. I still can't believe i wasn't there for her last days and hadn't made more effort to be there with her while she was having a horrible time in hospital. I could have arranged childcare. I was finding it very hard to leave my 6 month old baby though and also finding being at the hospital hard. Now I will never have the chance to see her again. I'm not sure how I can ever get past the fact that I didn't get to the hospital that weekend. She was with my dad who was her carer, and I know she understood that I needed to be with the kids. I just can't believe i missed my last chance to see her.

I keep thinking of having counselling but it's still hard for me to leave my baby for long so I haven't arranged it yet. So thank you for listening.

It’s an impossible situation when someone is so ill and you just couldn’t have known she would pass away so quickly. It sounds like you had a lovely relationship and spent lots of time together and your mum knew you also had your children to look after.

I think guilt is a very natural reaction when someone does, regardless of the circumstances. There will always be something we feel we could or should have done differently. You will need to find your way to cope with those feelings and understand that you just couldn’t know she was so near to the end of her life.

Counselling may help in time. I hope you can find some peace with it al x

I torture myself because I didnt get the chance to say goodbye to my son. He died suddenly and the police came to tell us.
But he knew he was loved and I hold on to that. It is so, so hard, I know.
Your mum loved you and your children and she knew you loved her.

You sound like a lovely daughter, you didn't know, please don't feel guilty because you didn't know.

Just coming in to say that my mum died suddenly too, at the end of August last year so a similar time to yours. She was ill with cancer but again although terminal expected to have 18 mk the or more. I think the sudden loss is shocking. It didn’t occur to me hat anything like that could happen. I knew that she was terminally ill but that was still a future that hasn’t happened. Likewise I have guilt. I was wrapped in in problems with my difficult teen. We were busy having fun summer holidays. I feel so awful that the last time I saw my mum was a quick costa in between un packing and re-packing for hols. It feels so unworthy that that is the last moment I shared with her... I adored her.

Lamaze you are a kind, attendant daughter and have nothing to feel guilty for. You didn't know your mum would die when she did. We can only do our best. Your mum would have known how much you have on your plate, and have known that you love her.

Read your post back to yourself and present your best friend is telling you the same story.

You have 2 small kids, you had health difficulties and you did your best. You feel guilty because you are a good person - but you shouldn't.

You did your best in very difficult circumstances.

My own DM (sensitive time for me - anniversary was yesterday) died and only my DSIS was able to be with her because she died early in the am and I had 7 month old DD. DD wasn't allowed on the ward either, so I didn't get to spend nearly as much time with her as I wanted, even with lots of support from DMIL.

Please be very gentle on yourself. And I second Lucky

Your mum would have known how much you have on your plate, and have known that you love her

I'm so sorry

Guilt is universal after the death of a loved one. You would probably still feel it, even if you had been by her side 24/7 for the whole time of her illness. You would just have found something else to be guilty about.
My DH died suddenly at 36, and I felt guilty about all sorts of stupid things. Not making his favourite meal the night before he died. Not being able to get to the hospital in time before he went into a coma, as I had to get our two babies to the childminder before driving in. Having to leave him brain dead on a ventilator and walk away.
You will probably go through a whole range of violent emotions as you grieve, including guilt, anger, sadness, despair... but eventually you reach acceptance.
Be kind to yourself. As the PPs have all said, your mum knew you loved her. She wouldn't want you to feel guilty at all. She will know that you did your best, juggling your own kids and health, while trying to see her when you could.
Have a hug. And I know it's a cliche, but grief is the price of love. My own mother was a selfish abusive cow, and I felt nothing when she died. I rather envy your grief and guilt, as it means you had a good solid relationship with a mum who obviously loved you. And nobody can take that, or the lovely memories, away from you. God bless.

Thank you all for the kind messages. I cried reading them. I know deep down that I did my best with the knowledge I had. I feel sad that I didn't prioritise seeing my mum at that moment and just pay a baby sitter or call in a friend to look after the kids. I just thought I would see her the next day.

Tiredteddy I am sorry for your loss, I can really relate to what you are saying, I feel like even knowing the illness was terminal, it didn't sink in. I didn't think for a moment she would go suddenly like that, I expected she would go home or to a hospice and that we'd be told when she didn't have long left. Silly of me in hindsight. I was also preoccupied with my little ones and in my mum's last week i was dashing about taking my older child to clubs and classes. I have no idea why I didn't take a break and just get to the hospital as much as I could. I was having a lot of anxiety about spreading illness either to my mum or from the hospital to my baby too which didn't help.

Thanks everyone for responding and so sorry for all your losses. The very sudden ones must be even more shocking and hard to process. Xx

I really felt for you reading that .

But you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

Your mum would have wanted you to look after your little family. There is no way you could have predicted she would die so quickly. You did absolutely everything you could in the time you had. You couldn't possibly have done any more. It's so difficult when you have what feels like conflicting family priorities all over the place but most loving parents would rather that you, as their child, care for your own DCs 'first' if that's the right way of putting it.

Your DM knew how much you loved her. Try to take some comfort that she was loved so much and you did everything possible.