please help me how to tell my 9 yr old DD her beloved nan is dying

[Wittow]

My mum has liver cancer. Days maybe weeks left. She's in hospital at the moment - we are trying to organise palliative care to get her home. I'm a single mum. My brother and his wife live very close by and we are just going to manage between us, with district nurses etc.

I need to know how to tell my very sensitive very attached to her nan daughter (age 9) that her nan is going to die and she needs to say goodbye. How on earth do I do this? Or do I just keep her away from the whole thing? I don't know what do do...please help me.

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this.

There is some really good advice on the McMillan pages on how to speak to children about cancer and dying. I found it really useful to speak to a child, and also to an adult who has severe learning difficulties as the advice was similar.

publications.macmillan.org.uk/Search/PublicationDetails?keywordSearch=Self%20help%20and%20support&currentStart=221&resultsPerPage=10&ResultsFilter=1&SearchReferrerUrl=http%3A%2F%2Fpublications.macmillan.org.uk%2F%3FKeywordSearch%3DSelf%20help%20and%20support%26currentStart%3D221%26resultsPerPage%3D10%26ResultsFilter%3D1&SelectedItem=1565

Macmillan have some really useful resources.

Sorry posted too quickly. When my dad was in the hospice, they gave us a booklet called ‘sayings goodbye’ for the children. The hospital may have something similar.

There’s lots of things online you can look up for children such as memory boxes and other things that children can feel involved in.

Much love x

I'm very sorry to read that your mum is dying. My dad died from cancer when I was 9, so I can tell you about it from a child's perspective.

I knew that he was ill but was only told the day before he died that he wouldn't be getting better and would die soon. I hadn't guessed or anticipated that at all and it was a big shock. Then our family had a day to say goodbye to him in a hospice, by which point he was in a coma.

I was upset that all the adults knew he was dying, but didn't tell me. It felt like a betrayal of trust and also a diminishing of how important our relationship was. I would have liked more time to come to terms with him dying before it happened. I didn't really understand death until then, because I hadn't experienced it or really thought about it (because you don't when you're 9 and having fun).

So, I would suggest explaining to your daughter as soon as possible, to give her time to understand. I guess a lot depends on how your mum is feeling and whether she is able to cope with your daughter's grief and questions.

I remember being shocked to see how much pain my dad's death caused to all our relations. I had never seen them upset before. Seeing their grief and vulnerability showed me that grown ups were not always in control.

Now I think it was an important part of growing up and that we all have to learn about bereavement at some point. What helped was the love and near constant hugs from family. Death is painful when we love someone but having love in our lives is so important and special that it's worth it. (What didn't help was people telling me I was very brave. I wasn't - I didn't have any choice but to go through it.)

I hope this helps

Thank you that's so helpful. Appreciate your time. The hospital is struggling to get palliative care organised for a transfer home and she is so uncomfortable in the hospital bed. It's so awful seeing her like this. Please God we are able to get her home today. I want my daughter to see her at home not in hospital.

Do you have a religious faith, OP?
Death is always awful to have to explain to kids, but it’s a lot more bearable when they know that their gran will be leaving her tired, ill, painful body behind, so that her soul can go to be with God.
You can reassure your DD that we all die eventually, and are reunited with all the people we have loved and lost. If you’re a Christian, you can explain that Jesus’ resurrection demonstrated to all of humanity that death is not the end, and that Jesus went to prepare a place for us in heaven.
I hope DD has already some knowledge of this from Sunday school or school assembly, and that it will help to comfort her in facing what every child has to, in coming to terms with death.
I hope your mum can have a peaceful end at home with you all, and I will put your family in my prayers that you will be supported and helped through this sad time.
God bless.

I’m so sorry you are going through this..

I talked about the last journey and saying goodbye, along with making the last journey as best we all can and saying goodbye forever 😢

I found this easy for me as a way of describing what was happening

My faith is very shaky at the moment but mum is RC and believes she is going to heaven to be with my dad and her own mum and dad. I am taking DD tonight, I'm not quite sure what we are going to say or do yet but your posts have given me food for thought. Thank you so much x.

Oh by the way the ambulance brought her home at 4pm. She is comfy in her own bed now.

Op I'm in exactly the same situation. My dd is 9 and my mum is dying. She is very weak now, barely eating and drinking but at home with nhs funded carers coming in 4 times a day. Your gp will be able to fast track a continuing health care application and i recommend you do this as more help will take some of the stress off of you and mean you can be there emotionally for her. I still do loads for my mum.

I was very honest with my daughter and simply told her that grandma was now very sick and was probably going to die soon. She has been so resilient and stoical about it. My mum is clearly suffering and my daughter decided by herself that it probably wasn't very nice for grandma to carry on living in the amount of pain she is in.

Make sure you let your daughter spend time with your mum but also time away from it. It's overwhelming I think and hard for them to process. It's also pretty boring for a 9 year old being stuck indoors next to a sick person in bed!! My daughter spends a lot of time on her iPad whilst we are there.

My mums situation is complicated by the fact that her cognitive function has now been affected but I'm still having some really special moments.

So sorry you are going through this too. My mum (and I'm sure yours) is such a special person and it's not bloody fair.

My mum is RC too op. She is hallucinating a lot now and keeps talking about a man in the doorway. It's so hard.

So sorry you're going through this. My ds's nan (my mil) died last year when he was 8.5 yes, his papa died four years before. I dealt with both differently.

Mil had been noticeably ill for a while and because we didn't know how long she had, we waited until we were told she had weeks. We decided i would be the best person to tell him because my dh would be very upset, and mil had brain cancer and would perhaps not word it in the best way.

Everyone is different and so is difficult to advise on your child, but with my son I said something along the lines of "you know nan is very ill don't you? (ds: Yes, she's in hospital but she'll get better). "I'm sorry, and this is very sad, but Nan is not going to get better. (ds: what do you mean?) "The dr's and nurses are taking good care of nan and making sure she's comfortable and not in pain but Nan is going to die.

Lots of tears and cuddles and why questions. This sounds awful, but we took him out to buy a computer game and it cheered him up and kept him busy afterwards. The next time he saw her, I was surprised that he didn't cry. He acted like he normally would.

When she died I ensured I never mentioned "going to a better place", but we did talk about what we think heaven might be and and the people/pets she would be with. This comforted him. He's talked about death a lot since, but he's been resilient and talks happily about his Nan.

I hope things are comfortable for her and you get the care you need. It's such a difficult, exhausting and emotional time. X

So sorry for others who are going through this too. :-(

My FIL has recently died from cancer we found out he had it about a year ago. We told our children nearly 6 and 2 that he was poorly and the doctors couldn't make him better then as time got closer we were honest and open about what was going to happen and answered their questions the best/as honest as we could

Just tell her the basics - her Nan is very poorly, and that you don't think she will live much longer (I know how hard that will be for you, I'm so sorry.)
Remember your daughter, as young as she is, will be aware of the fact that people die.
Please, also offer her the choice of whether or not she wants to go and see your mum. She might not want to, and prefer to remember her in her better days.
I'm so sorry for you, OP.

justanother mutual hugs... we had a really special half hour altogether this eve. My DD cuddling her nan and each saying how much they loved and appreciated each other. There was pure love in the air. Very beautiful. I was soooo proud of them both.

District nurses coming to do full assessment of palliative care needs tomorrow. I picked up her meds from the discharge suite. She was comfortable when I left. Home now and DD keeps thanking me for telling her. Just so precious.

I have no advice just wanted to say I think you are handling it really brilliantly.

for you all

Please emphasise that not everyone with cancer dies, this is something our McMillan nurse said was important for children to know incase anyone else is diagnosed in the future

Yes fraggle thanks for reminder of that; my DD is going to do race for life with my sis in law in memory of her Nanny and on the just giving page it says 1 in 2 people get cancer in their lifetime. I didn't realise it was that high a rate - 50%!! Obviously lots do get cured as you say.

My mum is on a syringe driver of morphine and anti anxiety/agitation meds. It's just a waiting game now. She said she was ready to go but she is hanging in! She looks very peaceful and comfortable now after very agitated restless day on Friday.