Is this normal?

[Gormless]

My dear Mum died four months ago. I’ve been well supported since then by family, friends and a very patient DP; work have also been very good. I’ve been trying to do all the sensible things- seeing a counsellor, exercising, talking about how I feel, etc. But equally work has been quite stressful (the nature of the job) and I’ve been very preoccupied trying to support my grieving, elderly father.

Long and short is, I’ve never yet had really explosive grief but it feels more like a long, slow puncture. I feel much worse four months on than I did the month or two after she died. I’m crying all the time but feel like I have to hide it for Dad and also because, ironically, because everyone is being so supportive (I realise I sound like a total ass: there are many who would envy this and I know I’m lucky).

Sorry this is meandering: I’m just really struggling with what on the surface looks like a textbook approach of how to ‘do’ grief healthily, and still feeling like hell inside. I just want to go away by myself and scream. I feel suffocated and, ironically for how much I’m talking about Mum, unheard. My moods are really brittle and I know I’m over-reacting to things; I also know in many ways how lucky i am, and am frustrated at myself for not being better than this. I just feel broken and buried alive and am not sure how I got here even with all the support I’ve had. Can any wiser souls tell me: is this normal for four months in? If it’s relevant, I do have a history of moderate depression and am frightened this is the start of another slip back into that.

Yes, it's entirely normal to feel this way. Four months is no time at all. Grief is very untidy. The bit about things looking OK from the outside resonates. Could you return to counselling, with reference to your fears about slipping into depression?

I'm nearly two years into my life after DH's death, and I still struggle with feelings of anger and isolation.

Completely normal. I had a bereavement in March one year, and aside from the weekend of the death and funeral, found June/July the hardest. Be patient with yourself, there's no right or wrong way to grieve. And when you have a good day, don't feel guilty about it!

Thank you both so much for your replies: these are really helpful and really comforting. Am sorry for your losses too. I think what’s frustrating is that with anything else, recovery follows a linear pattern but grief is, as you say above, not neat and tidy.

Normal - would not be normal if you didn't feel this way.... it's only about 5 mins really.

been there and it sucks the big one.

This sounds totally normal OP. I'm going to be hypocrital and suggest that you'll need to patient with it! My brother died four years ago and only now am I feeling at all acceptant of it. And I've had to come to terms with the fact that I've lost a bit of air (to continue the puncture analogy) which I'm probably not going to get back. You say you want to go off somewhere and scream. Have you done that? Listen to yourself, I think grief is an inbuilt process that knows what to do, we just have to let it.

All easier said than done, I know. I'm sorry that you've lost your Mum.

So sorry for your loss.

Yes it's normal, as I understand it anyway. I found my strongest emotions came out a couple of years after the event. Hits when least expected.

A handhold from here

You seem to be trying to meet everyone's needs except your own. You're supporting your dad's grief by bottling up your own, you try to put on a good face so the friends being supportive will feel they've succeeded in helping you, you're so upset you want to scream, but you bottle that up as well!
Take a step back from trying to be so reasonable and helpful. You are raw with grief, and you need to address your own need to express that.
It might actually be a very good thing to cry WITH your dad, instead of trying to prop him up. Grieve together, over your shared loss.
Give yourself permission to be upset, to scream if you need to, to tell friends that No, actually, you're not "fine" or "managing".
My husband died 26 years ago, and there are STILL days when I cry over him. There is no strict schedule for grief, and you are in the very early stages.
Eventually, you will get to a point where you can remember all the good times with your mum, and be grateful for her life, without it making you cry. But that's a long way off yet. Please accept your own need to grieve, be gentle with yourself, and don't burden yourself with any unrealistic expectations that you should be able to just "get over it". Grief is hard work, and takes ages to process and come to terms with. Sending you a hug.

Thank you so much folks- and sorry for delayed reply. I did take myself off for a week for a break as I think actual physical tiredness wasn’t helping any of it. But all your advice is so helpful and I’m grateful for you sharing your experiences. I think what it really -finally- dawning on me is that I won’t somehow ‘get over’ this like I would an illness, but just learn to live with it, and that will include bad days as well as good for a very long time to come. And I am going to ‘bottle up’ less, and learn to trust friends more.

@Gormless for you.
My mum died last June and I felt much like you did, waiting for it almost because I was so busy making sure everyone else was ok I hadn’t broken down myself.
It came before mother’s day this year, I broke and couldn’t function for a day. It would have been longer but DP had to go back to work.
So now I’m finding it a little easier, not singing and dancing and bouncing off the ceiling, but slowly finding a “new” normal, one without Mum. Day by day, sometimes hour by hour. But it dulls slightly over time and becomes manageable.
I’m sorry about your Mum, I wish there were words to offer comfort but I know there aren’t. I’m so sorry

Completely normal and echo what everyone has said (((hugs))))

I'm a few years on and for me it wasn't until I'd had all the firsts....birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries etc including anniversary of death that things settled.

I should add “new normal” is in no way getting over, or forgetting Mum. There are photos, mementoes and her things all over the house, we all talk about her daily but not in a forced way, just she’s still part of our daily life as she always was.
And the most important thing, is that it’s what you need that matters. Grief is a process, we all manage in different ways, we all grieve at different times. And that’s ok, because it’s a very personal thing.

I think DP summed it up (he lost both his parents by 19) when I said I felt guilty going on to him because of what he’d been through. He said “but it’s different for us all. Nobody has lost YOUR mum before.”

So do things in your time, and don’t beat yourself up for any of it. It’s a very traumatic and painful time, and how you get through that is up to you. But it’s never wrong x

gormless
grieving take a long time , my DH died last October , my family and boss's were fantastic and helped me a lot the 1st few weeks were hell but once the funeral had passed I went very numb felling like you and many others I waited for the grief to hit me .

Last week I finally got to register his death that was a horrible day but I coped ( sort of ) but the few days after were terrible I started having nightmares again but yesterday I shifted my mindset in to 'lets get something done ' ( spent hours jet washing my yard ) and I felt a bit better for it.

But there is no right way or time span for you to grieve, I still am grieving and I will be for a long time yet .
Give yourself time and space .

keep talking to us on here it has helped me a great deal