Hi
I’m looking for some advice if anyone feels they could help.
My partners mum passed away at the start of the year. For the first few weeks he was business as usual, I imagine due to the shock of it all. Since then he’s almost completely cut himself off from his life with me.
He barely speaks to me and won’t reply to calls or messages. He goes out almost every week night with friends or work and won’t let me know. He’s also been avoiding my family and friends where possible but treating his own friends and family as if nothing ever happened. Even when I ask him to make sure he’s home to feed our pet (who he previously doted on) he’s home as late as possible, if at all.
I appreciate he is still early in his grieving (I’ve experienced similar loss but was younger and therefore could grieve with far less responsibility) and the way he lost his mother is complicated and he thought he hid this from me. While some people tell me to give him space, others say to try ‘nip his behaviour in the bud’ and I don’t know how much longer I can handle him acting like this.
We’ve been together nearly 10 years and previously had what I thought was a very happy life together. I’ve asked him repeatedly to let me know at least what he’s doing each night so I don’t worry but he continues to act as if this part of his life doesn’t exist or matter and doesn’t understand why I would care where he is or what he’s doing. This is now beginning to impact on my work and my relationship with my family and friends as I distance myself to try be there for him although he’s never around.
He refuses to speak to me (clearly), or to ‘burden’ anyone of his family or friends. When I’ve found councillors for him to speak to he’s ignored me. He’s never been one to talk about feelings so I can appreciate that would be hard for him at the best of times.
Just looking for some advice as to how to go on. Should I be firmer with him and try to get him back into thing he previously enjoyed, or continue to let him deal with this himself and back off in the hope he might eventually return to our relationship in some form on his own terms? I not only worry for the sake of our relationship but mainly for him, as he’d never let anyone, even me know he was struggling but I can clearly see he is.
Thanks!