Dad’s final weeks/days

[ReggaetonLente]

Dad diagnosed with oesophageal cancer early Feb. We were told it was terminal early March and he was given about a year to live. He’s deteriorated rapidly and we were told yesterday it could be weeks, or even days. Moving to a hospice tomorrow.

I live 5 hours away and have been with him in hospital since Wednesday. Back home tonight and to a hen do tomorrow - worst timing possible, but I’m MOH to a childhood best friend and Dad is very sure I simply must go.

I’ll go back Monday until who knows when. My brother and uncle and of course my poor mum will be there over the weekend. The doctor thinks until Monday should be fine.

Work are being good. I’m lucky.

He’s only 56. I’m 21 weeks pregnant. My dad will never meet my baby, his first grandchild. He’s being so strong and brave and it’s just not fair.

I love my dad so much. He’s one of the only people who really gets me, who’s always made me feel like it’s okay to be myself.

How can I do this? My heart is breaking. This is the worst pain I’ve ever felt.

I’m not ready to lose my dad. I didn’t know all the ‘last times’ we did things were going to be forever. I just need more time.

I am so sad for you. I am the same age as your dad. I was lucky enough to have my own father for many years - he passed away from cancer 5 years ago. I just wanted to say my thoughts are with you. Like you I didn't know that we were enjoying our last Christmas/birthday etc but I think I'm glad I didn't know. We were able to enjoy those times as they were without any pain.

We had two weeks from Dad's diagnosis until he died and he really wasn't aware of what was happening although in so many ways he was still very much himself until he just drifted away.

You are so strong and such a great friend to be able to attend your friend's party.

I am so sorry.

My Dad died 9 years ago of cancer in a hospice, he was 54, I was 27. He and I were incredibly close. He wasn’t at my wedding. He never met his Grandchild. I miss him every day.

All I can say is that it does get easier in s weird way. You will never forget your Dad and it will never stop hurting, but you will find a way to carry on and he will be so so proud of you for doing so.

Take it slowly. Look after yourself and your little one. Don’t feel you need to explain yourself/your feelings to anyone unless you want to. There is no normal way to react or behave.

Sending you and your family a big virtual hug.

Thank you both for your kindness. It has really helped me in a dark time.

Earlier I just laid on the floor and cried. It’s like a physical pain.

I’m 27 too. But Dad was at the wedding, gave me away, did his brilliant speech. I feel very grateful for that reading your post dawson. I hope that’s not insensitive to say, I’m trying to look for any peace and gratitude I can find.

Do you either of you have anything you wish you’d said or done before the end? That you don’t mind sharing?

I’ve told him I love him, thanked him for being a good dad and that I know it couldn’t always have been easy. But I don’t think I can make him understand everything he is to me in a few words, and I’m struggling with that.

He has been the most unfaulteringly loyal, hardworking and diligent husband and father. In the scheme of things I have been extremely lucky in life.

Thank you again for taking the time to be so kind.

So sorry you’re going through this.

My DFIL died from oesophageal cancer, was only discovered when he had pains in his side and they found secondary liver cancer. He only lived 4 weeks longer after he was diagnosed. In that time, I found out I was pregnant, despite being told I’d never conceive naturally (had fertility treatment to conceive my older 2), it was a bittersweet pregnancy as DFIL was an amazing grandad.

DH and I were with DFIL when he died, I nursed him in his final hours. It’s such a sad thing to go through, my heart goes out to you and your family.

Do try be kind to yourself as you also have that little life growing inside of you. 💐💐💐

Our Dads sound very similar

I didn’t get to say everything I wanted at the end, but like you that was because words weren’t enough! I wrote him a letter which i intended to give to him/read to him, but then my Mum called to say that the hospice thought it was time and we all gathered to say our goodbyes. So I kind of ended up saying bits from the letter but it was so overwhelming that it came out quite garbled! The main thing was that I wanted him to know that I loved him and I was so thankful for him, and I managed to get that across.

You are doing really well; lie down on the floor and cry as often as you need to and just take it one step at a time: no one can ask more from you

I'm.sorry you are.going though this.I lost Dad in the autumn.You are so young to have to deal with this.Luckily my Dad.was.I'll for years so when he deteriorated it wasn't such a shock and most things had been said.I didn't tell Dad I loved him while he was in his last days as we wee not like that as a family.He knew though as.I saw him most.weeks.Sending you strength for the coming days.xx

i am so sorry for what you are going through. My Dad died at 52, when my eldest 2 were 6 months and 2 years. He never got to meet my third. He was the most amazing father, he loved kids and they loved him. The thought that my children would never know him was as bad as my own loss.

Throughout the 45 years that he has been gone, he has been constantly in my thoughts. I tell him about the kids and what they are doing. I also talked about him all the time to my children. The mad, crazy things he did and said, the games we played and the stories he told.

I believe that, even though it will be upsetting, you must talk to your children about.him to make him real for them. My reward is that my 8 GCs have a wonderful life. My sons are such wonderful Fathers, my DD is wonderful mother. I watch them on their hands and knees, larking around. Telling stories, playing board games and playing a game that my Dad invented for us. They have endless patience with the kids, as do, their partners.

He is truly living on through the next two generations and hopefully beyond them.

I'm so sorry this is happening. My dad passed away this week following a short illness. It's incredibly hard to deal with.

I'm still in the early stages of dealing with this myself so not much advice other than to say just take it a day at a time, try to remember to eat and drink a bit and rest where you can. It's exhausting and being pregnant will make it even more so.

I didn't actually cry that much at the time, I think it's the shock of it. I still feel quite numb to be honest so don't be surprised if you/others don't react like you'd expect them too.

My dad was truly the best of men and I'm determined to be thankful for the time that I did have with him. I'll be thinking of you.

I'm so sorry that you are in this place. The last time I was with my Dad, even though he was no longer speaking, I took photos - selfies of us both together. Me loving him. Kissing him. Cuddling him. And there's an accidental selfie of two seconds in length - me kissing his head. Two months have now passed since he died and I treasure them. Even though I feel some of his soul had already left at that point, I know I did kiss him. That I was there. That we connected. And I'll be forever grateful for them. So don't be afraid to take the selfies and photos together. No matter how strange it feels at the time. You might find comfort from them in the future.

Wishing you some lovely moments with your Dad before he passes. Thinking of you.

Thank you all - I’m so touched by all your support, especially those of you currently going through the same. I’m in awe of your generosity of spirit.

I'm so sorry about your father, OP. He knows how much you love him, though. He's been a fantastic dad to you - it's very moving when you talk about him. How lucky you were to have each other. I think if, when someone dies, the only regret is that they didn't live longer, it's the sign of a great life and someone who's dearly loved.

I hope it's peaceful at the end and that you all remember everything he meant to you. How lovely to have someone like that as an example to you of how to be an adult and a parent.

Thank you Hollow. That means so much to me.

Today I think I have reached some kind of angry stage.

My dad has always done everything he can to look after my mum and the two of us, even when it meant him going without or not doing the things he loved. He retired in August and moved to a part of the country he loves with the aim of spending their retirement ‘shooting, fishing and being happy’. 40 years of working, saving, raising children, only to be rewarded with 6 months of time for himself and my mum before it’s cut short. How is that fair?

He’s always been careful with money - anything spare went into savings and their pension rather then frivolous things (I sadly did not inherit his trait!). And now he’ll never use any of it. He’ll never see it. I actually said to him he should have blown the lot on a sports car and he laughed and says he wasn’t just saving for himself but Mum and my brother and me, which is another example of the kind of bloody good man he is.

So many shit dads out there, I see women all the time on these boards and in my real life deal with husbands and fathers who can’t be arsed, shirk their responsibilities, don’t bother with their kids and put themselves first. How come it’s my dad that has to die?

I totally empathise. My dad was still working despite my mum asking him to stop for years because he wanted to be able to help me and my sister out.

I'm also furious that he didn't go to the dr about the cough he'd had for months despite us all asking him too in case it means things might have been different.

It's so bloody hard when someone was so good and kind and selfless to see them denied that time. I'm trying really hard to think positively and pragmatically but it's not easy at all.

I think the fury must be part of the process so I think we probably just have to keep on keeping on for now but I wanted you to know you're not alone in how you feel.

I've been repeating this quote in my head for days, helps me a bit:

"Grief is the price we pay for love, because it is worth it"

Take care.

I wanted to add how sorry I am too. We lost our dad 10 days ago to Osophegus cancer and I understand the sadness, anger and complete waste it feels of a much deserved retirement that he never got to enjoy for long enough. He sounds very like your dad - his life was all about looking after his family rather than himself, and he was such a good man.

I have no real advice to give other than to spend as much time as you can with your dad and say anything you want to say. Once my dad went into decline he deteriorated very quickly and passed away a day after being admitted to the hospice. He'd been very unwell the week prior to being admitted.

The hospice will support you. They are amazing places and the staff are so knowledgeable. They will manage your dad's symptoms and any pain and will help all of you deal with what is happening too. when my dad died, we were all there with him and everyone who needed to had been to say goodbye.

Just look after yourself, make sure you eat and sleep and take just one day at a time. It is exhausting - I remember in the days immediately after he'd died i found even walking exhausting.

Big hugs for you and your family. xxx

Thanks again. Huge love and strength to all going through or who have gone through this.

Doctor says it will be days now.

She says reading through his notes it was like one ‘oh god’ moment after another. He’s just been really unlucky from start to finish. She did assure us though that she wouldn’t have done anything differently, medical intervention wise, and that based on how aggressive his tumour has been it probably didn’t start growing until after Christmas - so it wasn’t like there were signs we missed or ignored. I don’t know why but that gave me some comfort. I was looking at my wedding pics - choosing ones to take to him in the hospice - and hated the thought of the cancer being there in the pics undetected. Silly I know.

Reading the local paper today and there was a story about a gentleman swept out to sea on his fishing boat, same age as Dad. I do think we are lucky to have time to prepare and say goodbye. We are fortunate in that respect. I am grateful for it.

Osophegus cancer is so awful. It’s one of those cancers that is usually only diagnosed once it has grown / spread as there are no symptoms really until it has developed. So there would have been nothing you could have done differently.

If the doctors are suggesting days, then I would stay at the hospice if you can or close by, but look after yourself too. Sleep and eat. It’s even more important for you being pregnant. All I managed was tea and toast when we were there but it’s something.

If your dad becomes less conscious he can still hear you, so talk to him or just hold his hand. I agree - as hard as it was I am so grateful for the 24 hours we had with my dad in the hospice all together. And he will be grateful of that too.

Much love.

Yes he will still be able to hear you, the last few days are incredibly hard. I am 23 and my Dm died 5 weeks ago at age 54, leaving behind my 2 kids who were 4 months and 2,5 years. She died just under 2 years after diagnosis , from a brain tumour, again , no idea when it actually started growing as she only presented with symptoms when it was quite large already.
It's very very hard , painful, distressing , hideous , but I do think hospices are great places.

My dad died in jan this yr. I nursed him with ny brother for the last couple of weeks and he was able to die at home as was his wish
As the end approached all he could say was " Look after your mother ".
So you get the measure of the man right there.
Like you i thanked him for being my dad and told him it was ok to go and we would indeed look after mum
I miss him so much ! . So my advice is say everything you need and want to say and take it a day at a time . So sorry for your pain xxx

DSis and I lost our DF a few short weeks ago. We made the most of those precious last few days sitting by his bed. He was very poorly but we still had some lovely moments with him. Thinking of you

My beloved FIL died of the same thing yesterday morning, we are convinced he could hear us until almost the end. After 18 months of suffering his passing was very peaceful. We are completely numb now though.
DH took great comfort in knowing that he had the chance to tell his Dad everything he wanted/needed to.
PIL was at home and both the Macmillan and Marie Curie nurses were so amazing to him and us.

I feel for you so much.

My dad died two weeks ago from mesothelioma, a cancer that is caused by asbestos, it was very aggressive and caught us all unawares. I have nothing useful to add to this thread but I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you. The hospice staff at the hospice where my dad spent his last four days were amazing, there wasn't a question we couldn't ask them and they made a very difficult time a little but easier.

Hi all. We really are having special moments in the hospice, you were all right. This time is ours and very precious.

I hate seeing him in pain. It is truly the hardest thing. I’m so sorry for all of you who have been through it too.

@ReggaetonLente my dad is very ill too. I don’t know how long we have left. I totally get how you feel. No words of wisdom but just to say you are not alone.

@Haberpop so sorry to read this as it’s what my dad has, and the most aggressive version of it.

So so hard. Love to you all.