Sorry to use a throwaway and be vague, I really don't want anyone to work out this is me!! Apologies also if this isn't worded well, my head is a bit of a jumble.
My Mum passed away a little while ago. She'd been poorly for a long time but we'd just had some good news and she was expected to recover fully. I loved her to bits but our relationship was quite difficult because another family member treated me really badly as a child and adult and Mum sided with her. They were very close.
Anyway, I knew the funeral was going to be a rough ride when it became clear that family member was going to be organising most of it and that my input was discouraged. 'Higlights' included:
- I begged to be allowed to choose flowers for the funeral and was grudgingly allowed to do so with a few changes made. When we arrived, the flowers were totally different. The ones I picked were 'mistakenly' dumped outside.
- Photos of Mum had been badly edited to remove people the relative didn't like and to put them on 'batter's backgrounds.
- Instead of playing Mum's favourite song, they played the relative's favourites and a weird reggae remix of something.
- The whole ceremony was extremely religious (Mum wasn't very religious, if at all) and barely about Mum at all.
All of that and more (and there was lots more!!) I could have coped with and tolerated for Mum's sake, but for one thing. Knowing the funeral would be awful, I asked if there could be a memorial/memory book at the wake for people to write their favourite memories of Mum down. I checked several times and was told that, yes, it would be there and that I should trust them and stop asking. I was in the funeral car on the way to the funeral when the relative turned around and told me she'd decided not to bother and to make a scrapbook for me herself instead. I was devastated, as I know that anything she produces will be edited to suit the weird image of Mum she is creating.I
Now, quite a few people who don't live locally to where the funeral was were unable to arrange to be there on the notice given, so it's been suggested I arrange a farewell on Mum's birthday. It would be a chance to share stories and raise a glass to get memory and I think it would be lovely. Unfortunately, some family members have found out through a well-being friend and it's been made clear the family member would not only want to be there but would want to take over planning. She may even arrange her own event.
I feel like arranging my own thing with people who knew and loved Mum would be 'right' for me, but I know Mum wouldn't want everyone fighting over her memory. I'm really struggling to decide whether to go ahead or maybe to do something quieter on my own to keep the peace which would be less comforting for me but less likely to cause problems. What would you guys do?