Oh God I've been acting like a complete arse since DH died.

[annandale]

Can't deal with how out of control I have felt. I thought I was feeling better and a bit more sane but some of the stuff I did has had consequences - e.g. I followed someone I had a crush on on twitter... and his wife... and several of his friends... who I think have sensibly blocked me (I'm not very good on twitter but I think that's what has happened). But it's someone I have to continue seeing for a while - oh God, how humiliating, and entirely my own fault. Also I have got so drunk a couple of times, luckily nothing too terrible done but I feel very ashamed of it. Nobody mentions the five stages of grieving including 'acting like a complete tit'. Maybe that could be my contribution to bereavement research. writhe.

So sorry for your loss, annandale. I'm widowed and get completely get the behaving like an arse bit, though in my case not in the same manner as you've described, more along the lines of every blue sky having a leaden lining kind of thing.

A book I've found very good, "Coping With Grief" by Mal McKissop and Dianne McKissop, cheap and widely available, describes exactly your situation; they call it "sexually acting out", and I'd never heard of such a thing, though I wasn't surprised or shocked.

Thinking of you, the only thing I can possibly think of is some way of making an apology to those concerned, saying what you've said here, and then leave it. If they get back to you they will but you may have to bear with the fact that they won't. Have you thought of counselling? It might help to have an objective perspective on this, so you don't beat yourself up forever.

Many , and all the best.

Such strong emotions will have an effect and it'll be different for different people.

Thank you for replying. That's really helpful about the book, I've been googling looking for some description of what I've been feeling and not finding anything so it's hugely helpful to know others might have been through it. I'm not a very dignified person though would love to be so it's not surprising Im doing the equivalent of sticking my bottom in the air and going 'notice me I'm struggling'. I'm having counselling and have touched on this a bit so can do more. I'm not sure about contacting them but will think about it.

If you can't behave like an arse after such a bereavement then when can you? There's no rules or training you can undergo to help you cope with such a difficult. No. Shitty loss.
I hope you find a way to get through each day. (That sounds trite but I hope it makes sense.)

Relieved to hear it's a thing as I went a bit nuts after some bad bereavements/trauma. You cant see it at the time of course :(