Waiting for it to get easier

[Raccoonsatemyscones]

Lost an a few months ago, all signs point to suicide, I found him in distressing circumstances and he left me with 2 very young children (have a newborn) Things had been difficult due to dh's mood disorder and resulting substance abuse but I was always completely devoted to him and committed to helping him get better. We'd had crossed words and things hadn't really been resolved before he passed away. The inquest has been arranged and I can't stop replaying everything. How long did it take for people to start to feel better as I feel like I'm getting worse. I can get through day to day but just have this constant 'weight'. Every day I burst into tears, let myself cry for 5 minutes then get on with things but I just don't see the point in any thing. I have this terrible guilt and a longing for him to come back. I'm neither happy nor unhappy, almost numb. I hate the loneliness. He was my childhood sweetheart, my whole adult life has been spent with him and now it has all been taken away. Everyone keeps saying I'm dealing with it too well and I worry maybe I am blocking it out and will struggle further down the line. Is there really a 'right' way to grieve?

Sorry for the jumble of thoughts/words, I suppose I just want an idea of if it sounds normal.

There is no right way to grieve. I am so sorry you have been bereaved this way. It’s very early days for you. Hope you have plenty of real life support. If anyone offers you help please take it and don’t be afraid to ask for help either.
Further down the line counselling may help you. Numbness is a very normal way of coping with a sudden loss. When and if you feel like it there are resources online to help you. Be very kind to yourself. Tears are absolutely normal. It will take some time to feel better.

I lost my husband nearly four months ago. I still do not have a cause of death and his inquest has been adjourned again while the police investigate his death. What you describe sounds just like how I feel.
I did briefly feel better with the help of antidepressants but I’ve had to stop using them due to adverse side effects. I now feel the same as I did in the early weeks after he was killed. I really wish this weight of grief would lift. It is dreadful. My children keep me going.
I have just self referred to Cruse for bereavement therapy. I had counselling provided by my husband’s car insurance company. It helped a lot but was only available for five weeks. Have you tried counselling?
My husband was my childhood sweetheart too. We”d been together for thirty-six years.

Kept wanting to reply but mental energy is just drained, really struggling with these things but not sure why. Messages go unanswered and calls not returned, I must make more effort.

Sorry to hear you feel as though you've taken a backward step. They do say that grief isnt linear.

I hope counselling is of help to you. I refused it initially on the basis that I know I don't 'need it'. By that I mean I don't feel in the cusp of a breakdown. I suppose it's not to say I wouldn't find it helpful. All those years I pestered my husband to see someone and I'm doing the same as him. I think I'll look into it, thank you.