Help needed for kids who have lost their dad

[ignoringthechoc]

Hi and thanks to anyone able to offer advice.
This is not a brand new situation, my husband died suddenly 2 years ago (RTA) but my son just bottles it up then has occasional meltdowns. After today's when emotions had calmed down a bit he said he doesn't think he will ever be truly happy again. :(
I know he is devastated (they both are) but I also know he will have happy times again, I just don't know how to help him now?
He refused counselling, hasn't been to the grave, rarely discusses it, turned down boxing etc as a way of getting his anger out.
Anyone who has been through this and can offer advice or if you work with bereaved kids, or are just good at advice. It would really be appreciated as I feel I am doing it wrong and am on the verge of tears a lot at the minute :(
Thanks for reading x

How old is your son? There are lots of resources 'out there' for bereaved children but obviously are targeted at different age groups.
Winstons Wish is a great charity to look at. Near me there is a charity called "Living on" One of my friends died last year and I know her family have used this service a lot. Have a Google on bereavement services in your area.
Counselling may be useful - but often there are long waiting lists.
Anyone at school in a caring/counselling sort of role that may be able to help?
Few ideas to start you off..

Thanks Blue he is 12 and the main difficulty is that he just wants to ignore it/ distract himself but then it randomly erupts into a violent angry outburst.
Maybe I just have to let him distract himself until he is ready to face it properly, but that feels like a cop out.
Thanks for the ideas, I remember being told about Winston's wish, but didn't follow it up. Will take a look now.

I would definitely ask school for support on this. Winstons Wish and other charities can come into school to work with him.

I hope you find a way to help him soon.

Thank you Gold Have contacted Winstons Wish now and hope he will agree to speak to someone, School keep offering, he keeps politely refusing.
I want to be guided by him on this and not push, but these angry explosions are not good for anyone and have affected school attendance/ work on a few occasions now so we need to find a better way.
Thanks both for giving me the push to contact outside help, it feels very lonely sometimes x

Hi choc. I really hope that your son will be able to access the help that you have found but I just wanted to share my experience in case he doesn't access it now.
My children "lost" their dad because he was violent and abusive...so a very different situation. Some accessed counselling (and have continued to do so as they have grown up) but one could not/would not at the time...or since. They have had anger issues and grief issues but now 6 years on I would say that they are stabilising and seeking help form their own sources...not counselling but trusted people who they respect. The issues are reducing in intensity outwardly and they are able to express more of their feelings.

Grief is a complex and individual thing. You will no doubt be going through all sorts of emotions yourself. Your son has to deal with things in his own way and time...all you can do is be there for him and keep offering your love and whatever support you can access. I am sure you are doing your absolute best and are coping with a great deal. Together you will all find your way through.

I wish you all the best

PS as a nearly teen he might find internet resources more approachable......he can access and run away as he wishes. I don't know if any of your local hospices have a child bereavement officer (ours does) but if they do I am sure they would help with finding appropriate material.

www.dougy.org/grief-resources/how-to-help-a-grieving-teen/

whatsyourgrief.com/six-books-grieving-teenagers/ look at the comments for other recommendations

Maybe useful?

I lost my dad when I was 13, 22 years ago now. There were no resources at that time and nobody seemed to think I needed them (don't mean they didn't care, it was just never a thing).

I would encourage your DS to take advantage of whatever is out there but it needs to be at his own pace. I eventually got some counselling through my GP but it was 3 years later and came about more through being bullied at school.

Would he be able to write down his feelings? Even if it was an angry letter to his dad. Anger is a very normal part of grieving.

Time is a great healer. Whilst I still miss my dad, he is not my first thought. His presence is missed at things like my wedding and birth of my DS and my parents would have been married 40 years next year. Life will improve for you and your family x

Sorry op. You sound like you’re doing an amazing job offering him options. We lost my father to suicide when my brother was 12. He didn’t react badly at the time but I think it has plagued him into adult life in a way that it hasn’t me or younger brother. It’s such an awful age for a boy to lose a dad. I think it’s perhaps a good thing that your son is showing some strong emotions. I would keep talking about his dad so it doesn’t ever become akward to mention him (this happened in our family a bit). I would advise to keep trying to seek professional help. That’s the one thing I wish we’d had more of (we were only offered counselling once as a bit of a token offer and felt too embarrassed to take it up). It’s now a nightmare trying to persuade my db as an adult that he needs to seek counselling. The good thing my mum did was get him to direct a lot of energy to sport which kept him put to trouble. In short I think you’re doing all the right things but you probably need to persevere offering little and often.

My partner died 3 years ago. My DD was 11 at the time. She saw a counsellor a year after he died and this helped with her anger at the time and she finished seeing her after 6 months.

She subsequently regressed and was increasingly angry and violent towards me. I told her that if she couldn't control her anger she would need to see a therapist again. She refused to go but I said that we would go together. we initially went together but now she sees her on an individual basis with myself occasionally joining in. This therapist is a better match for both us than the last one, so again its important to find someone that he can relate to.

If you can't do anything else for now, the one small thing you can do it acknowledge his feeling that he'll never be happy again, accept it and let him talk about it if he can. Don't tell him that it's not true - as far as he's concerned it is and if you say it isn't, all he's going to hear is that you're not listening and you're dismissing his feelings. Acknowledging how he feels won't make that feeling stronger, in fact, if he has a chance to pull it into the open he may see it clearly for what it is - a manifestation of terrible grief that will eventually lessen.

As best you can you have to try not to fear his feelings - on some level he may be hiding them from you, so as not to add to your difficulty or grief. He needs to be able to say the negative things he thinks, otherwise they'll root into his head far deeper.

What a horrific loss, I'm so sorry. My son is 14 and dh died by his own hand 7 weeks ago. I said to ds early on that there would be some things he had choices about and some things he would have to do, and meeting the school counsellor once was one of the things he had to do. I crossed my fingers that he would click with her, and luckily he did, but she came very highly recommended. I have no idea what lies in the future but I am very relieved they have met, third time coming up.

I would take him to his GP - perhaps go once by yourself to ask advice and make plans, then take your son. Don't give him a yes/no choice and ask the gp not to either (obviously choice of some kind would be good but not refusal) - he can't go on like this. I'd go to the gp assuming counselling of some sort would be the outcome, but there might be other options.