6/7 yr old at grandparent's funeral

[FunkyBallOfTitsFromOuterSpace]

I'll try to make this concise.

I have 6 and 7 year old daughters. I have a husband with severe and complex mental health difficulties. His dad has just died. His mum is now alone 200 miles away. My husband has very strained relationships with his two siblings, one of whom lives in Australia. The other one has mostly been dealing with things since FIL's passing (2 weeks ago now). That said, the funeral date still hasn't been set.

I understand children at funerals is different for each child and family. I understand that ultimately it's going to be my call to make. However, I'm really torn.

My girls didn't have a particularly close relationship with their grandad; he was 200 miles away, very old, and in the last couple of years had advanced dementia which meant they didn't see him even when we did visit. However, my 7yo expressed a sadness that she didn't get to make more memories with him before he died. My 6yo was sad because she doesn't really remember him.

I am thinking about offering them a choice of going to the funeral. On one hand, it may offer them a chance to feel more connected to him I'm his passing, seeing all these people come together to celebrate and remember his life. On the other hand, I don't know if it will just be a bit much for any child of 6/7 years old.

They are both quite mature for their ages, but then given the problems their dad has, they have been through a lot emotionally already in their short little lives. I'm not sure if taking them would offer them closure, or whether not taking them will upset them more in the long run (feelings of being excluded perhaps?).

I was hoping people could give me some anecdotes of personal experience with kids this sort of age?

Thanks in advance.

My 8 yr old ds went to his grandmother’s funeral this year, he sat at the front with us and at the end shook hands with the mourners and thanked them for coming. He was close to her and had a lot of contact before her death so it was also sad for him.

Im sure many would disagree with this but sometimes children learn how to be responsible and respectful while they are still young, I feel that it was a massive learning experience for him and he felt really grown up and proud of himself at the end.

If you decide to involve them, I would recommend sitting down with them and explaining everything that will happen and what the “expected” behaviour will be. Maybe take them out to pick a special outfit so they know it is an important event and to help them prepare.

If there is a burial you will need to consider if it will be upsetting or frightening for them later to witness that stage of it.

I should add ds has autism, so does struggle with social events and crowds etc., but he coped very well. Being able to attend and support your dh may be an opportunity for your dds to feel some accomplishment. It would also give them a chance to be part of the wider family.
What does your dh think?

I'm sorry for your loss. 💐

My FIL died last year, and lived 150 miles away from us. He'd been quite poorly with cancer so we were unable to take our girls now 6 and 2 to visit him much in the final months. When the funeral came, we explained what would happen at the funeral and it was her choice if she wanted to come or not. No pressure. We explained that it would be sad and granny and daddy would be upset, but it's a celebration of his life.
Our older daughter attended and took it in her stride. I think it was good for her to be part of it. She along with other family members lit a candle for him. She can in some ways be quite emotionally immature- well she was only 5 but she handled it well. For a few nights afterwards she did have a few tears at bedtime but more along practical lines such as granny doesn't know how much to feed the fish and it's too light outside to see Grampy as a star in the sky.
We still talk a lot about that day, who was there and what memories were made and photographs shared and taken and I think it helped the family as a whole grieve for him

Others might disagree but I found it uplifting to have children there a kind of rebellion of life.

Wow, two really beautiful responses. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with me. Certainly some food for thought and good ideas to implement if we do take them.

To answer what my husband thinks, he's very undecided. He finds it difficult to be decisive at the best of times, much less when there is emotional stuff involved! I've read him your responses and hes appreciative to have input from people who have had experience taking their kids to a funeral.

Thank you again for your responses.

I think it's great that you're giving your kids a choice whether to attend or not. My much loved Grandmother died when I was four, and I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral (something to do with I might make some noise, I think). I'm still angry about it now, nearly 40 years later! Of course not all children would want to go to a funeral, but by giving them the choice you're letting them know that they are welcome at an important family event, without forcing them to attend.

My son attended the funeral of our friends’ baby when he was 6. He never actually got to meet her as she was stillborn but he’d been very excited through the pregnancy and I felt it was important to give him the option to say goodbye. I was very clear about what a funeral entailed and he chose to go. He cried quietly through most of it but I think it helped him to understand. His great-grandma is dying and and he’s fully aware of what’s going to happen. He hasn’t been to visit her as he doesn’t want to see her looking so ill, he wants to remember her how she was, but the funeral will give him chance to say goodbye. I know not everyone agrees but I wasn’t allowed at funerals as a child and it’s always bothered me that I missed out on saying goodbye to my aunts and uncle.

Sorry for your loss.

DS was 5 when his grandpa died. They had been staying with us for Christmas when he became ill so mum stayed with us whilst he was in hospital. DS was always told what was going on and how poorly grandpa was. He did come to his funeral and had made a glittery star to put on the coffin at the end of the service.

Dd was 8 when my mum died. That was more traumatic as she died in an accident so we were all very very traumatised. However we talked to dc constantly about how emotions work and how they were feeling etc. Dd wrote a speech with her headteacher which she then read out during the service in front of 300 people.

However, they were very close to both my mum and stepfather, who was my dad really as they were together a long time. They lived an hour away but we saw them regularly and dc often stayed with them without us.

Perhaps see how your children feel nearer the time as well as whether your dh could cope with them being there or not. It may help him as they could give him a distraction...

So sorry for your loss.

It just depends on the child and on the funeral. I think it’s also important to consider other people at the funeral. For example, might your husband mother be concerned about the children getting upset?

Is it logistically difficult to not take them? Perhaps leaving them at home with a trusted friend or relative might mean you and your husband can really concerntrate on yourselves and his mother without having to think about the kids.

If you end up choosing not to take the kids then you could do something separate for them. Perhaps you could all visit your MIL in a month or so and do something then.

I guess to sum up I don’t think there is any right or wrong. Apart, perhaps from funerals where there are open caskets. My husband was traumatized by having to see his deceased relatives when he was a child. He said it terrified him and made him scared of death. He wasn’t given any choice in the matter as to not see them would have been disrespectful.

My children came to one of their grandparents funerals, aged 7 and 10.
They cried a lot and so did everyone else. It was fine. They knew he was dead and that dead people have a funeral, so I can't see why else they should have been protected from that.

Had they not come we (husband and I) would have had to cut short the amount of time we could spend attending on that day because they were too young to be left at home 50 miles away on their own. It would have seemed disrespectful to have to leave early for the babysitter.

Can someone else not directly related to that side of the family (one of your parents or a sibling or friend) come so that if one or both children want to come out of the service, they can whilst you remain to support your husband?

My children ( then aged 6 & 4 ) came with us to Mums funeral
Actually , they came to the church service , but not the crematorium
They stayed with Mums cleaner ( who they didn’t really know ) for that part , as well as a couple of elderly relatives who didn’t feel able to face the Crem
They were fine with it , and it helped me get through the day

There is no wrong decision although generally I think children at funerals is a good thing. I wonder if it’s better for you to make the decision based on what you know about them, rather than let them decide. If they decided not to go would they regret that and feel sad about it later? It’s a big and very grown up decision for little ones to make.