Anyone experienced a parent being verbally abisive/aggressive during the grieving process?

[SleepFreeZone]

I’m in a difficult position with my Mother. When I was a child growing up she was mentally unstable. Had time in psychiatric wards, threw herself out of a third story window in front of me and generally frightened the life out of me regularly. Inbetween those episodes she was a lovely Mum. Then as I got older she would be okay but react very badly to emotional situations. I would say she had three big breakdowns in her life and possibly some small ones.

I am now in my forties with two small children and she is in her mid seventies. She has recently lost my father and was coping very well I thought. They had a tumultuous relationship and she would tell me frequently how much she hated being a carer and so when he passed I honestly thought she’d be relieved. And I suppose she is but it’s also unleashed the beast once more. I know she has been verbally aggressive to my sister recently (unfortunately my sister and I don’t talk) but she rang me up last night and was appalling. Very very aggressive, lots of swearing, telling me how much she hated my Fiancé and calling him all the names under the sun. Then eventually calming down and crying all over the place anoutvny father and the extended family. Then very very calm and talking about recent days and giving me information which was then repeated 10 minutes later verbatim.

I did ask if she though she was on the brink of another breakdown but she said no. I did say to her that her behaviour was alienating her from her friends and close family as I know some of her friends are no longer talking to her. Otherwise she is very young at heart, in excellent health and participates in local events and exercise classes.

I find myself really really pissed off and I suspect I shouldn’t feel this way. My childhood has come flooding back to me and I’m angry. Right now I don’t feel inclined to reach out to her although I’m wondering if I should reach out to my sister. I know people are going to pile in to berate me for not being more sympathetic but my MIL is grieving for her soulmate who died recently after 60 years of marriage and not once has she rung up my partner to call him a Fucking bastard. Because that would be unpleasant no? God I’ve no idea anymore!

That sounds so hard OP. Have you or your DSister got Power of Attorney over her health? It sounds as if she may need a Dr.

Can I ask why you didn’t just put the phone down on her? My DM can be bloody awful but she knows that me and my DSister have a fairly low tolerance to it.

Can you make amends with your DSister? It’s sounds like it would be easier to handle your DM if you provide a united front.

I did, and then she’s rang me back twice. When I picked up she was saying ‘pick up you fucking cow’ and I said ‘oh I’m a fucking cow am I?’ And she said ‘yes’. Lovely.

Thing is there’s nothing really wrong with her. She’s perfectly lucid and handles her life beautifully. She just has these crazy episodes where she is like the bloody exorcist. And of course dad dying has caused her to have another emotional crisis. Unfortunately she’s forcing us to take the brunt of it 😬

That sounds so hard. Does she want anything or is she just phoning you to be abusive? What did you say when she called you that?

She rang me initially to discuss something which turned out to be a misunderstanding. She gave me an item a few days ago to use. She said the item was only lent to me, I was under the impression it was given (it was my father’s). Because we have changed some things on it she went absolutely batshit and just wouldn’t stop. Didn’t matter how much I explained that everything that had been done,could be undone and I would give it straight back to her she just lost the plot. Then of course everything got dumped on my shoulders including how much she hated my partner etc etc The phone calls started at around 4.30pm and ebded two hours later.

I had a bit of this too. I can't really help much - I didn't deal with it well - but am just commenting to let you know you're not alone in having this situation. It is awful and I have nothing but sympathy.
It's worse when they are sometimes 'a lovely mum' as well as also being unstable and vile.
If you were able to get some kind of connection going with your sister that might be some support - she'll presumably know what your mum's like in a way no one else will but you - but, again, it is often the case that in these circumstances siblings will turn away/against each other rather than towards each other. Family dynamics are so fraught with difficulty.

Can you get some coping strategies in place for yourself. I read something on here recently about having a pad and pen by the phone with some helpful phrases on for yourself, so you can have some kind of script to follow if she starts ranting. You need to find a way to create a protective shield around yourself. It does sound as though she might need medical support, especially given her background.

Thank you Carefully. I really appreciate your post 💐

My sister is pretty damaged by our childhood I think. We did have a heart to heart about it in our twenties and she said she felt like she had too much responsibility from an early age. She was trying to look after my mother and help raise me (she is five years older). So our relationship never really had a chance to cement itself as she was just so resentful of me I think. Over the years we have been in contact then fallen out. Currently we haven’t talked for a year. I’m not sure I really want to open that can of worms again unless I suppose I get very worried about Mum and if she needs medical intervention.

Right now I’m going to go LC I think and just see what our next communication is like. I did try VLC in the past and she just bombarded me with emails and stuff through the post. It was exhausting and not worth the drama.

It is exhausting, isn't it? So many conflicting feelings. for you too. LC sounds a sensible strategy, and all you can do is see how it goes.

I’ve had such a crap year with a second trip termination is September due to a disability, then losing my dad, then losing my FIL. My DP has MS so he has periods of ill health and this winter has been really difficult for him illness wise.

She knows all this and yet still she has no ability to censor herself. I guess this is her illness talking though and I have to try and be sympathetic. It’s not easy though!!!!!

That's so much stuff to deal with. So much really hard stuff. It is not easy and doesn't sound like it's going to be easy for a while.

Seriously try to find ways to nurture and protect yourself as much as you can and do not feel guilty for feeling angry, both about how she's behaving now or about things that happened in your childhood. Your feelings are normal, totally understandable and healthy.

My goodness sleepfreezone what difficult year you've had. I don't blame you for not feeling like reaching out. I know it's a cliche on these threads to ask about Alzheimer's signs, but I wondered if it was just the personality changes you had noticed, or if there were any other signs of cognitive decline? I really hope things improve , you really don't have to stay in contact with someone who treats you so badly, even if your Mum is struggling with her grief.

Absolutely don’t feel guilty, anout any of it. You sound like you are doing really well under after a lot of difficulty.

Does you “D”M drink by any chance? Only asking as a DF has a mother just like this and the phone calls usually start around 4.30 pm ish. She gets up at midday and is so drunk by teatim3 that she starts calling my DF and being abusive. The next morning she can’t even remember speaking to her.

So I decided to write a very carefully worded text to my sister as I just don’t want to do nothing if she’s somewhere equally thinking my mother might be unwell but doing nothing. I don’t expect a response but at least I’ve documented my concern and whether she might need a GP visit.

Jilted she’s not a drinker no.