I can't believe anyone could be so callous.

[bohemianbint]

Hello,

this is my first post on this site. I've found out something awful today. My gran died on Christmas day and I've really been struggling to come to terms with it for a number of reasons. Anyway, I found out tonigh that my aunty (my gran's daughter) told the crematorium to just get rid of my gran's ashes. So apparently they just got scattered somewhere in the crem by some random person and her family were not given chance to do it properly.

I'm gutted. I only recently realised that their relationship wasn't great but I had no idea that she would do something like this and deprive the rest of the family of scattering the ashes. The aunty has been a total cow since we found out my gran was ill and all she's concerned about is getting her hands on the money, not that there's much.

Thing is, how can I look her in the face and be civil after this? My parents don't want to cause trouble but I just don't think that you should be able to do something like this and get away with it.

x

Well it's happened now and I think you just have to get on with it

Why were no questions asked at the time?

Why not ask the crem where they were scattered and go and lay some flowers together, as a family?

BEing civil to annoying fmaily members is part of family life unfortunately

welcome to MN, and so sorry to hear of your loss. I must admit that I am MORE surprised when people do scatter ashes than when they are simply dealt with by the crem. I haven't known anyone who has scattered ashes TBH. So perhaps your aunt was coming from this point of view rather than anything more 'nasty'.

If it was important to the family in general to 'do it properly', surely someone could have asked this question at the time? I think the fact no-one did shows it may not be as important to them as it is to you, perhaps. I really don't think it will help you to focus too much on this issue.

I agree, have your own 'ceremony' if it helps, choose a special place at the crem or wherever you like, and that can be your gran's place for you?

the crematorium will be able to tell you where they scattered your grans ashes , so you will be able to take flowers if you wish. this is what my friends family did and we go every year to the area they were scattered and leave our flowers etc

I know the ashes weren't my Gran, but I'm not religious and beign able to scatter the ashes meant something. The issue is that it had been agreed that the family would get together and scatter the ashes but my aunty went behind everyone's back and told them to just get rid of them.

We're going to scatter my Grandad soon (not my gran's husband!) as he died 8 weeks after my Gran. It's really not been our year. We're going to have a bit of a thing for both of them at the same time, but I just wish that it had been family who had scattered the ashes, not just some random.

Thanks for the repsonses.

xxx

You can find something else that would be meaningful for you - it doesn't have to be scattering ashes. Get the family together, go somewhere she loved and think of her, lay flowers if you want to, play some of her favourite music, let a balloon go in her memory.

The person your gran was, and the love that you had for her, won't change just because someone else scattered her ashes. Don't let your grief for your gran become tied up with anger and resentment for your aunt. Remember the love and the happy times and let the anger and resentment go, otherwise it will eat you up and spoil your memories of your gran. You can be certain that your gran wouldn't have wanted you to be feeling the way you're feeling.

Why dont you all write letters to your Gran telling her how much you loved her and miss her and then burn them. You could then scatter these with your Grandad's ashes.

that is a nice idea doorstomanual

I think you should write to your aunty telling her how you feel

(btw morningpaper - what a harsh first comment!)

lovely idea doortomanual.

Your aunt sounds horrid - don't give her the satisfaction of her seeing the upset her thoughtless actions have caused you. Don't say anything atall. Could you ask the crem where the ashes were scattered and perhaps put some of your grandads there as well.

I have some horrible family members and I have just had to walk away from them - people that have really done awful actions to get at family money. I behave civil but keep them out of my life.

Thank you for the sympathetic posts (I chose to rise above the hideously insensitive one!) I didn't realise scattering ashes was so unusual, I think it's just that as I say, I'm not religious and the funeral didn't really help. There's some lovely suggestions here and we'll definitely do something along those lines, and it's true that this one crappy event shouldn't spoil anything else.

Cheers again.