Three months on & struggling

[DeathByMascara]

Why is it so difficult now when it had been getting easier?

Lost my dad just before christmas & things have gradually moved on from the hellish shock of the first few weeks in to gradually being able to cope with day to day life.

This week has been horrible. Panic attacks & everything, all because I heard the song he chose for his funeral. Sobbing mess because I heard Gary Barlow’s Let Me Go. Crying every time I think of my mum waking up to her first mother’s day without him making her breakfast in bed.

I’m also withdrawing from life as far as I can. Cancelling plans with friends to sit at home and hibernate. Working takes up every last bit of my energy to get through the day & when dh gets home I’m ready to hand over the kids and go to bed.

It does get easier, right? This is just one of the phases?

Are you talking to someone about how you are feeling OP?

I lost my mum about a month ago and I'm finding counselling is really helping. I've stopped having panic attacks. Grief is not a straight line, think of it like a wave, it comes and goes.

Grief will pass, I promise. You don't stay stuck here. Have you tried mindfulness? I find it really helps. I do really identify with how you are feeling though OP. It's completely normal.

I have a history of anxiety and depression, I’ve tried mindfulness when dad’s illness kicked off again but being in the midst of a crisis isn’t the best time to try and do it - for me, at least.

I’ve been seeing a counsellor but she’s not for me. Thinking of going private but not got the impetus (or funds) yet. Many other issues going on besides the grief, although that’s huge right now.

Grief is definitely an up and down, forwards and backwards thing. It will get easier, though OP. I promise. Your story sounds familiar to me - when DB died I wanted to withdraw too. I think it's normal. Some psychologist or the other said that they would expect people to start to absorb their bereavement after six months. Four years on I have accepted what happened, but it still hurts sometimes. I think the first six months are just all over the place really, though. It's early days for you.