Different ways of grieving?

[Tigerpit]

I have one sister. We lost our mother just over a year ago, and I'm finding my sister really, really difficult to deal with. I was the sole person on hand to help Mum, mainly due to how close I lived (10 mins, whilst sister is 45 minutes away). I also made a huge mistake and let Mum's needs and wants take over my life entirely - I know that this is entirely my fault. I blame nobody but myself for letting it happen. She wouldn't accept outside help, so I had to do it all, I felt. I should have stuck to my guns, but who can say "no" to an elderly mother who needs help? You just help them, don't you?

After Mum died, I was genuinely surprised at how little "me time" I had had. I must have noticed it on some level, as I freely admit I resented my sister's "free and easy" life. SHE had time for a social life, hobbies, could do what she wanted, when she wanted. I got lots of phone calls and fb posts telling me what a great time she was having at x event and y event, how she'd been promoted etc. I suspect the way I feel now is pretty deep rooted in feeling resentful that I was left to do all the unpaid work whilst sister got to "play".

Anyway, since Mum's death last year, sister's public displays of grief have really upset me. She didn't give enough of a toss to visit Mum even once a month, but now she's gone, suddenly Mum was a saint, she was the best Mum anyone could ever have and every single bloody anniversary is marked with emotionally laden facebook posts and much gnashing of teeth over how much she's struggling etc etc.

I know it's about attention. I know I can choose not to see it, and have done so, by unfollowing her on FB. I know we all deal with bereavements in different ways. I just find the drama of it all so unbearable. I can't stand the weepy voiced phone calls, the explanations of how much she is struggling, the blind searching for me to give her sympathy and compassion when I'm still emotionally drained and empty myself.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for here. Maybe just somewhere where I can rant. But I don't feel sympathy and compassion for my sister. I feel loathing and utter disgust at how selfish she's being.

My Mum died too. I had a complex and difficult relationship with her, but I loved her and miss her. I prefer to mourn quietly and privately, but I do realise that others have different styles. I understand that. I'm confused at the emotions I'm feeling over this whole event.

So sorry for your loss, Tigerpit

I have never been in your position, but here goes.

Sounds like a good decision to unfollow your sister. The phone calls are harder. Can you nod and smile on a phone? That kind of thing.

The most generous interpretation of your sister's behaviour is that she is genuinely full of grief, the other that she is a posturing diva. Either way, with your feelings of loathing and disgust, which I do not discount, it is so hard to deal with her.

In the end you must look after yourself. You say you feel the need to rant, so here is not bad, but do you have someone in RL you can unload on?

I try not to rant and rave about it too much in real life, as I realise it's repetitive and after a year, boring for most people. Fortunately my friends and husband have commented, several times, about her being a drama queen, so I know I'm not alone in my frustration. They just shrug their shoulders and say "that's just the way she is, it's annoying but just ignore it". Which I know is the right thing to do. I just feel the rage building up at times and I wrote my original post in a ragey moment.

She mentioned the funeral anniversary the other day, how much she missed her "mummy" etc etc.....she got the date wrong.

That's what blows my mind. She's so over the top with her mourning, yet she doesn't know the exact date. That's one of the ways I know she's just putting the whole thing on for show. If you're so devastated by it, you know the damn dates.

I corrected the date, and then had to listen to the whine about how hard things were for her just now and I should be supportive, not undermine her and make her feel worse.

I'm going to keep her silenced on FB and will hold her at arms length for as long as I need to.

I think I just needed to write the unsayable, just to pop the spot, so to speak.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I know exactly what you mean. My Dad died very recently (we've not yet had the funeral). My Grandmother is making out that she is the only one who is grieving. She's told me to my face that she "I am 1000 times more upset than you are or will ever be, he is all I had left". My Dad left home at 18 to go to college & never went back, I came along when he was 31 & he raised me as a lp from 34, I saw him almost every day after I left home & had dc of my own. He avoided her at all costs.

Some people seem to NEED to be the centre of attention, especially where bereavement is concerned. My SIL has been the same since MIL died, they also weren't close.

You're right though it's incredibly hard to ignore. I don't know how to deal with it either & can also feel rage bubbling up. My friends & family say the same as yours. Maybe we both just need to rise above it & be the bigger people bloody hard as it is.

Sorry there was no actual advice there.

@BernardsarenotalwaysSaints

I wish I could give you a massive hug right now. I'm so sorry about your Dad.

xx