I'm struggling, is anyone up? Guilt and betrayal

[annandale]

DH took his own life a few weeks ago. Yesterday I was at the GPs sobbing and unable to say why I felt guilty, but I've woken up realising why. I'm not missing dh, not really. I feel like a scumbag.

Life was so difficult at times with his illness. He tried to be well so very hard, it was a constant battle. The walls were gradually closing in. They felt as if they were closing on me too. It is a relief to be alone in the house, to be able to chat to my friends' husbands without dh getting insecure and jealous, to be able to play loud disruptive music without upsetting anyone, to have moods of my own, to read without feeling I was leaving him without support, to sleep deeply. To stop being a carer, I suppose. What do you do, though, when in fact you were a carer, just a shit one? When you didn't care very well and the person you cared for died?

So sorry for how you are feeling. It must have been horrendous to be so subsumed by his illness. Do you have DCs?

💐
Don’t beat yourself up. I felt similar relief when my in laws died. It’s exhausting mentally supporting someone like that
You need to forgive yourself and let yourself recover from the stress you’ve been under for so long

Just please don't blame yourself hun. My sister took her own life and believe me what you are feeling now is completely natural and we all feel it. Don't be too harsh on yourself...at least you were there to care, that means a lot!

tears

avoiding emojis

He really was a lovely man, and I am surrounded by people and cards saying how lovely he was. I know that. But I don't miss him. I can't even see his face at the moment because I can only see what I saw in the coffin (not horrific, just - my first body - it was difficult).

I’m so sorry to hear that your husband has died.
My DH died after two years of being ill with a brain tumour.
Once he died I felt guilty about everything, I couldn’t laugh smile or eat.
Overtime I’ve thought that the what ifs, were all about wanting a different outcome for them.
It’s very early days for you, I’m guessing you’re still in shock and working on auto pilot. Trying to sort out the pile of paperwork.
I joined WAY widowed and young, for people widowed under the age of 50, that helped enormously, they just understood.

My slight difficulty is that laughing and smiling are not a problem.

I can eat (after the first couple of days when I just vomited with shock) - Oh God I can eat. I'm not though. I've lost a few kilos so far, hoping to lose more.

Would you think badly of someone who was caring for a partner with physical disability and needed lifting/ moving, who had bad back?
Carrying a mental strain is no different to a physical strain. It’s just as tough.
Grief is a complex and testing beast- how you feel today doesn’t define your relationship in the past, or how you will feel in future.
I think finding peace begins with accepting some of these feelings, and giving yourself permission to be kind to yourself.
It’s been a very short space of time, after a longer and difficult relationship.
Be kind to yourself.

Thank you all, it does help.

You are traumatised and still in shock. You will feel numb about it all for a while as well.
All you are feeling is natural in my experience of nursing someone at the end of life ( not dh another relative in my case )
You need to give yourself all the time and space you need and you have nothing to feel guilty for. You were there for your husband through the v worst . But it is v common to feel guilt for one thing or another whenever someone dies and the memories of the dead person do fade given time in my experience to be replaced by other more uplifting ones
I am so sorry for your pain and send you ahuge hug of support. X

It doesn’t sound as if you were a shit carer at all, to be honest.

It sounds to me as if your husbands illness transferred itself to you, which is very common: depressed, anxious people bring others down with them and even in cases of severe delusion and psychosis it can impact on someone ‘sane’.

Now in a sense you are cured. Don’t feel guilt for that, love. He is at peace now: let that be a comfort as the days will get harder.

Oh Op, I was exactly in your shoes 18 months ago. It is a dark place for sure and some very difficult feelings are bound to surface.
All I can say is that it wasn't your fault. In fact it was no one's fault. But it definitely wasn't yours.
I can only suggest you reach out to people. I understand that it isnt always easy to have conversations in rl. There are some tremendous resources out there. There's a fb group called BSSI. I think it's Bereaved by Suicide and Self Injury. Also. WAY is a fantastic organisation. (Widowed and Young) i cannot stress how vital it is to feel understood by people going through similar.
Please know that you won't always feel this way. But ypu have very recently suffered a great trauma and it will take some time to heal.
Pm me if you would like.
(((())))

After my Mum died, my Dad felt the same way. Mum had been mentally ill on and off all her adult life. She got cancer and committed suicide. Dad was devastated of course but after a week or two he said that he suddenly felt free as a bird and then cried about the guilt.
Mum had made several suicide attempts over the years, she was bi polar and schizophrenic. Dad said he didn't know what he would be coming home to every day of his life. Suddenly he knew exactly what he was coming home to and it was a massive relief to him. He was wracked with guilt but we talked it over at length and he stopped feeling so guilty. After a few weeks this initial feeling will fade and the good memories come back and you will feel more settled.

You weren't a shit carer!

My mum was ill, mentally and physically, for a long time. She got a lot worse in the last couple of years. I was the only family member involved in her care, and as much as I loved her it was hard. There were days when I just didn't want to do it anymore, but you just do, because there is no one else. When she was admitted to hospital, I hate to admit this, I was relieved, it took some of the pressure off. When she died, I was sad, but I was also glad it was over. It makes me sound like a horrible person, and I know that, but if we had carried on as we had been, it would have destroyed our relationship.

Now you need to take care of yourself.

metnal health is such a monster.i takes over the person.they have noi choices to their actions though many think they do.
but neither do you in the human way you react and respond to an evil evil thing taking over someone you love turning all their good points sour.its then works it way to setroy anything good in the suffers life.including those they love.its is like some evil monster out to do one thing.kill in the most depriving way possible.
its a ascary messy time for the family to go through.
I aimgine with time you will go through so many emotions.let them come.dont be angry at yourself for them
are you are horrible person really? if you no this not to be true which I'm sure is fact then its just something in your that is now releasing and that makes it ok.
do try and remember the good times.the good in him.even if they are dull and wayyyyy back.
I'm sure from what you say he woud have given anything to be happy and ive you and ur life together all it deserved.he would've yearned to make you both happy.
keep that in your heart.that his soul was good. it was just robbed for a time.
but you both need to heal now.
is there aynthin you remember you did like doing once together.a fave movie or walk.maybe you coud go and laugh and smile and say look at how beautiful this walj is.or to your fave resataurent and say you loved this dam dish.allow yourself to llaugh with him again.

Morning Annandale, I'm up and listening and thinking, you helped me so much yesterday, let me try to do the same for you.

Grief is like a wave isn't it? It washes over us when we least expect it doesn't it? Guilt is also thrown in for good measure as if we don't have enough to deal with it's like here we are deal with this big heavy ton of guilt as well.

You told me yesterday that I can't keep looking back and beating myself up for what happened, I know deep down this is true and it's also true for you. You are a good and lovely person, you did your very best I am sure if this, I know it in my heart. When some one we love has these thoughts of ending their life we do as much as we can to care for them, protect them but you know we can't do it 24/7 in the end there's nothing left of ourselves.

I took care of my nephew when he was at some of his lowest ebbs, when it was to exhausting for my sister I would have my nephew with me and I was knackered at the end of his stay. I mean physically and mentally exhausted. My house would be trashed after many of his manic episodes, I'll give you an example my bathroom, he would take a shower and literally use every towel in there, it would look like a bomb site wet towels everywhere slung down the bathroom flooded, day after day. The kitchen trashed food all over the place, it was constant, but I loved him even when I wanted to scream at him I still loved him. I did snap a few times and hated myself for it and more so now that he has gone and I will never hear his voice again or see him bouncing around.

Mental illness is just that, and it affects those closest to the person who has it. You can only do so much to help, and it's a tiring and heartbreaking existence. You don't have that constant pressure now of having to live under that constant worry and anxiety, and it's kind of strange because you lived with it for so long.

I have some beautiful memories of my nephew, I seem to have ignored all the memories of when it could be sheer torture supporting him through his worst episodes. I think we are getting used to a quieter life now and feeling guilty in the process.

The trouble is normal is not normal to us, after all this time, but it will happen in time without the guilt.

I don't know if any of this has helped you, but I hope so.

Little bird you can fly free from the cage now, you don't have to sit in there, but do it when you feel ready.

Don't judge your feelings. Just let them be.

'Getting used to a quieter life' - well, in my case a noisier life - yes, that's it Bedtime. A new life that I don't have any idea how to do at the moment.

I remember that strong feeling of not knowing how to do life anymore.
And the guilt during the periods I didn't feel grief.
And the overwhelming grief at other times, when I just wanted to feel something - anything - else.

The maelstrom of emotions is utterly bewildering at this really early stage.

Be kind to yourself as best you can. There is no right way to go through what you are going through. Just your way.

Finally, I think it's good that you don't feel unrelenting negative emotions, and haven't lost laughter from your life.
He died, you didn't.

Honestly, whatever the feelings, just let yourself have them. Worst thing you can do is try to suppress them with denial or guilt. Allow it, feel it, and I time it will wash away. Another wave will come but they gradually reduce in ferocity. X