Struggling with grief

[Badtimegirly]

In the space of five weeks I lost my best friend, who passed away from liver cancer, I collected him from the hospital on the Friday after he had to go into the day ward for tests, and took him home. The following day he rang me to say he felt so ill he was calling the ambulance, and in the blink of an eye he was gone. People have said to me it's better this way, but it doesn't feel like that. Whilst I was making the funeral arrangements, I got the worst phone call of my life from my sister who was hysterical, my nephew had committed suicide.

Some days I get through ok, kind of like being on automatic pilot, and then on other days I don't even want to get out of bed. I feel like part of me has gone with them both, the world is the same but I am not.

There is this terrible guilt that I could have done something to prevent my nephew from taking his life, he texted me a few days before the event asking if he could call me, which was strange because he never asked we just spoke all the time. I never texted him back I was in a bad place with organising my friends funeral, and crap going on in my relationship. God help me if I could have prevented this I would, it's torn my family apart, he was such a great lad, just fantastic.

I'm scared I'm never going to feel like 'me' again it's all so empty right now.

Sorry for your losses. Frightful.

For your friend it really is a case where it's OK for the one who dies and horrendous for the bereaved who've had no time to process it at all. I'm being very presumptuous here as I don't know how your friend died, was it comfortable, etc. I'm also not downplaying the grief felt by those who know in advance, it's just different.

Your nephew's death carries a different burden, and for you regret for action not taken. Try not to pursue this; you were taken up with the aftermath of a sudden death and your personal life. Horribly, his decision to take his own life was his own. "Might haves" will not help, and while they cannot be wished away, try not to dwell on them. I feel presumptuous again, having not had to deal with suicide.

Comfort your sister. As important, take time to comfort yourself.

The only practical thing I can suggest right now is not to tell her he was texting you to call him. But you know her best, if she will be OK with this.

As for not feeling "me" again. It's always you, but in a life you can't turn back. It's shite: you don't get over it, but you can live with it.

You poor thing. I don't have any wise words, but I feel your pain through the screen. Hugs to you today.

Just a hand to hold. My husband took his own life about five weeks ago. It is very hard to deal with, and you were already grieving. I feel very out of control at the moment, though I can see that I'm not doing most of the things I am afraid of doing. I feel as if the world is behind a slab of glass and can't hear me.

Have you seen your GP? Mine has been really helpful, I am very lucky. I am eating and sleeping OK which I know again I am lucky with. I also have lots of support. But it doesn't change the incredible strangeness and terribleness of what has happened. Nothing will.

I feel that I could have prevented my husband's death. I will always feel this. But I didn't. And with hindsight I would probably do much the same again if I had the same experiences. If someone texts you do tend to assume there is plenty of time - of course you do - and you had urgent things to do. This is a normal reaction to a text. But I know it doesn't help to hear this.

I am finding exercise is the single most helpful thing for me but I am lucky enough to be off work so that I have time to do lots of it. Otherwise we just have to live through each day for the moment.

I'm so sorry OP. I can feel how much you are hurting. I very much relate to the feeling that part of you has gone with them. Grief changes you and you're not the person you were before. It all gets much easier with time, but you're at the early, intensely painful stage now. You're dealing with a huge amount of loss and shock so it's not surprising that you're feeling so dreadful. Feeling sad and empty is entirely 'normal' after what you have experienced

If you can, treat yourself like you're recovering from a nasty virus. Eat as well as you can, get as much sleep as you can, allow yourself to cry when you need to. Spend time with people who knew your friend and your nephew so you can share your grief. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this x

Thank you all so much for your understanding and kindness. Annandale I really appreciate your words as you are going through a tragic bereavement at this time.

I am going to the theatre today the tickets were booked a long time ago, this morning I woke up decided i didn't want to go and went back to bed. I know after reading all your words, I must go, both my friend and nephew would have been so annoyed at me for not going. Your words have kicked me up the bum, yes I am going for a shower and getting out, I will do my number one simple pleasure get a coffee and people watch for half an hour.

The weather might be rubbish today but I'm going to turn this day around, and I have you all to thank for that. Truly thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I thought this morning it's Mother's Day, my poor sister is there any way to make it easier for her?

Well done for getting out the door if that's what feels like the right thing to do. However, please go easy on yourself. Sometimes a day in bed or in front of the telly is the right thing to do. There's a lot of pressure on people who are suffering to put a brave face on, and get out there, and there is definitely a place for that, but it's important to listen to how you are feeling and not push yourself too hard. Grief is unbelievably exhausting and you will need time to recover