Death of absent parent

[Reetabiscuiteater]

I found out tonight that my father died 3 years ago. We hadn't spoken for approx 12 years and our relationship was always very complicated but I am surprised by my reaction. I feel like I am not allowed to be upset as the relationship broke down such a long time ago but it is bringing up all the emotions of rejection, abandonment, hurt and longing and I don't know what to do with myself hence being on here at this time of night.

I didn't even know he was ill. Am I feeling selfish for wondering if he asked for me? I would have gone whether he did or not but the thought that he may have thought I wouldn't/didn't care is making it all worse.

I knew that if we lost touch this may happen but I was not expecting it at all. I have reached out to his wife but have said that I understand if she doesn't wish to reply.

Can't sleep for thinking about everything. Where do I put all this in my head???

I'm sorry for your loss
It's the what ifs you'll be grieving I guess. For the father you should have had. It's a difficult situation to reconcile. Whose choice was the lack of contact?

Thank you.

My parents divorced when I was around 1 due to his affair. From the age of 8, despite living round the corner from me, contact just stopped. I was essentially blamed even though I was the child. Contact was sporadic after that. He even moved to somerset without telling me!

I rang him on the spur of the moment years ago and then he said he didn't believe I was his daughter as he thought he was infertile (low sperm count). He called a few hours later to apologise but I guess I never really forgave him after that. I did warm to his wife more on that occasion but then just gave up and tried to move on.

So as you see, complicated. I'm angry, bitter, and really need a hug from my 99 year old Nan as she would understand but she is not really with it anymore.

But yes you're right, I have always longed for the father I should have had.

Go and see your nan. She might not understand but she loves you :) amd you need a bit of love.
There's no quick fix to the abandonment so you may need to work it through with someone qualified. But he left you. You were tiny. You mustn't ever feel that you were to blame. He was a grown up and he chose to stop fighting for you. You were a child and it's fine to be angry and sad that he didn't fight for you. That was his cross to bear not yours. His fault. Not yours.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I have always tried to just shut it down and move on but this has just brought it all back up again. So busy dealing with family life there seems like no time to think about these things.

Thanks again