Dads coldness after mums passing

[blondiebea]

My mum passed away on Sunday. My dad had been her care giver for the last 5 years and was tired and resentful. He was kind most of the time but had started to be harsh due to his responsibilities. He told us he could no longer cope and wanted her to go into a care Home. We were in the process of her social care assessments when she became ill and went into hospital. She passed away after two weeks there. It was a bit of a shock as she wasn't terminally ill. She had Parkinson's and a nasty chest infection she couldn't fight. But we had a week to say our goodbyes and he spent time at the hospital talking about their lives and he shed tears. They were together for 50 years with 3 children.

I know everyone grieves differently and I understand his relief as even I feel a little, but he is being so cold and insensitive far too soon and it is really upsetting me.

The day after her passing I visited and he was talking about how he would be getting rid of most of the things she kept hold of (she was a bit of a hoarder to be fair) and seemed sad for me, expressing that it must be so hard "for me" / no mention of how hard it was for him. I think he feels he has a life back after a few hard years of care giving and I do understand I just wish he wasn't so keen on almost getting rid of her so soon. She would be so upset.

I want to support him. But I am finding it hard to be around him with this attitude.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

You know your Dad best obviously. But from an outside perspective it might not actually be coldness, but just practicalities? Everyone copes with grief differently and maybe his way of coping is to just get on with things.

I also think it's nice that he's able to appreciate your grief too. Sometimes people can be too consumed by their own grief to think about other people. And perhaps again, he doesn't want talk about how he feels?

I'm sure you'll be a big support to him, but perhaps he's just trying to support you as well?

I’m so sorry for your loss.

It must be very hard.

People grieve in different ways though, some hold onto clothes etc for years and others make a clean sweep.

Your Dad has probably been grieving for most of the five years your Mum has been ill.

You say “he has his life back” this might be what he needs to do to start building a new life. Seeing your Mum’s things might be just too painful.

I’m sure he’s not cold, he’s probably just try to hold it together.

Yes you are right. I was shocked at him thinking about getting rid of things so quickly but I think if it helps him it doesn't really matter.

Thank you for the responses.

I actually think the fact hes recognised your feelings and saying that it must be hard for you is sweet, He isnt thinking of himself.
50 years is a long time to be with someone, Be happy that he isnt broken and unable to do anything.

My mum was devastated when my dad died (though it was expected he'd go within a few months) but still sent everything to the charity shop within a very few weeks. I was really shocked. I'm not sure how much of that was down to her or to my sister who was spending a lot of time there, but I wouldn't have predicted it at all.

It hasn't meant she wasn't terribly upset. I think maybe it would have upset her more to be surrounded by his things.

Don't underestimate the toll of being full-time carer can take. He is obviously elderly himself and the burden must have been immense.

Mixed in with the grief will be a whole mix of emotions - not least guilt because he likely feels a level of relief; relief for himself and relief that his wife's suffering is at an end.

Maybe guilt that he didn't provide the best care because he was breaking under the strain.

Perhaps being detached and dealing with the practicalities is his way of coping with it all.

Sorry for both your losses

Perhaps you could suggest to your Dad that you would like to be there when he makes a start on sorting through your mother's things. You can then have whatever you want to help keep her memory alive. If their are things that are still in good condition then take comfort that by giving them to a charity shop they are still being loved and used. Perhaps in your father's mind he has lived in the way your mother wanted but not his, so perhaps it is time to let him live in the way he wants too.

He is entitled to move on. It can't have been easy for him the last 5 years, he was in limbo. He lost 5 years of his own life. However much you love somebody, that would be such a grind and depressing. I am sorry for your loss but let him grieve and move on his way. There is no text book reaction. We are all different, there are so many scenarios.

I’m sorry for your loss

In all honesty people have got no right to expect others to grieve in their own ideal way.

I know you are hurt and this is your mother but it was his wife so it’s already different from both of your perspectives.

Do not get upset at your fathers actions - he is grieving as are you and you should not focus on whether his grieving demonstrates his utter adoration for your mother.

Firstly, sorry for your loss OP

It is probably your dad's way of coping - keeping busy, sorting stuff, clearing out etc. I spent quite a few days helping with a friend who was ill and declined quickly. Her DH absolutely adored her, but he has been obsessed with practical stuff and clearing out her stuff since she died in December and always asking me for help with finding a home for her belongings etc. Other people find comfort in treasuring everything their spouse ever touched. I know when I'm not busy, I easily slip into depression - this would be magnified at a time of grief so it's quite possible your dad just feels a massive void and a need to be actively doing something - anything to take his mind off his loss.

I had similar thing with my father. He threw away some on mother's stuff that was precious to me and that was quite upsetting, though I never told him. Perhaps offer to help him do a spring clean? As well as my own father, I've seen many other people's parents who've nursed long-term spouses to the end do this (drastic cleaning of belongings, change of lifestyle or rather sharp lifestyle redirection that seems on the surface hard-hearted). There is, unfortunately, almost always a period of what could essentially be described as depression too. Mourning, I'm learning, is a complex process, and one with no rules.

Yes you are all so right. It's his way of dealing with it and that it what is right for him.

It has no bearing on his feelings and love
For her. Thank you all. X

I'm so very sorry for your loss Blondie.
Grief is such a complex thing, but your DF proved his weight in gold, by looking after your DM and her needs, for five years.
I imagine he is trying to fill a void in his day, by organising your Mum's things. If I were you, I'd give him a hug, tell him he's not alone, and that you will be there to sort it all, with him.
Be kind to yourself Lovely, it's such a difficult time.
Thinking of you. 🌹

My mum was like this when my dad died , I think she felt relief that she didn't have to care for him anymore .
I don't think my mum even liked my dad at the end which is very sad but she did her duty and felt smothered by it . It's all very sad .

I've been through a very similar experience. My dad phoned to tell me my mum had died and by the time I arrived home, he'd put all her clothes in bin bags. It was just the only thing he could do at the time, I think it was just about keeping busy.
Sorry for your loss OP 💐

I'm sorry for your loss.

It may be that your df has actually done a lot of his grieving over the past 5 years. Your parents' relationship must have changed from being partners and lovers to being carer/ cared for. A lot of carers feel grief at this 'loss' of the person they know and love long before the cared for person passes away. Could your df have been mentally preparing himself for this for a while now?

Some men of a certain generation also feel the best way to deal with grief or any strong emotion is a stiff upper lip and that their role is to support others by not showing emotion themselves. Could your dad feel he is protecting you by being 'strong' ?

Again, I'm so sorry.