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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Frightened I'm going to freak out - and feel so selfish

27 replies

Moomin · 01/05/2007 22:44

I don't actually expect anyone to have to reply to this - not feeling sorry for myself but rather I think I need to write this all down. Having said that if anyone can offer any thoughts I'd be grateful as I feel right on the edge of losing it.

I found out yesterday that my best friend's mum is ill - I spent the day with bf and she gradually told me bits and bobs as we went on. She's not an alarmist in the least - she's actually known for playing things down and not overreacting to much at all but it gradually dawned on me as the day went on that things might be very serious. My bf is a nurse, and I could see that she's very worried about her mum's health. She's got a scan booked this week with results almost immediately and her GP is taking it all very seriously. Top and bottom is it looks like cancer - stomach / bowel / maybe liver (please no).

We've been bf for 26 years and I'm really close to her mum. We meet up independently of bf quite often and we get on brilliantly - I love her to pieces. My own mum died when I was 9 so I've had several 'mum-type' figures in my life who have been very special to me. My bf's mum is one of them. The others were my auntie and my cousin, both of whom died 5 years ago which hit me very hard.

I felt a bit wobbly and tearful yesterday when my bf was telling me all this but I was aware that she is going through hell herself and is beside herself with worry. She kept saying 'well we won't know til the end of the week so let's not get ahead of ourselves' but I know her inside out and she's petrified. Because she's usually NOT a worrier, it's made me think it's not looking good.

I went to work today and something went wrong at the end of the day. I completely overreacted and ended up crying my eyes out and was unable to go to a meeting, I was in such a state. I'm so scared but I also feel so selfish - it's not my mum after all, it's my bf's and she's going to need support to get her through the worry of this week and then whatever happens next. Therefore I don't feel I can freak out but I feel really close to going. It's really confusing. I feel like a fraud.

OP posts:

shonaspurtle · 01/05/2007 22:46

You love her. You're worried sick about her. What's fraudulent about that? They're real emotions. You're not taking anything away from your friend by feeling this way about her mother.

I hope you get good news at the end of the week.

Nikki76 · 01/05/2007 22:50

Don't beat yourself up over feeling so upset. Its very normal to have mum type figures in your life when your own mum has died - just look at all the cards out there 'for someone whose been like a mother to me' etc! Also, you are feeling upset for your BF as well, so I would see that as twice the emotion, IYSWIM? So, you are not a fraud!

I think the best thing you can do is just be there for her - which it sounds like you are anyway and wait and see what the results will bring this week and then take it from there. Even if you do get upset and she sees it, its ok - you are both human and something like this is very upsetting. I'm the sort of person that feels I have to be strong in front of others and so when someone starts crying before I do, I'm relieved as I feel that I can let my guard drop as well so perhaps in some ways, your emotions will help her to express how she is feeling too?

Hope this helps a bit! I don't have any experience in this by the way, but didn't want to leave your post unanswered

SimplySparkling · 01/05/2007 22:50

I am sorry to hear this. Firstly, you are not a fraud. This lady is someone who you are extremely fond of and I think your friend will understand how concerned and upset you are although you are trying to be there for her, too. As it is affecting you in work, can you let someone there know so that they can make allowances or relieve you from certain duties this week if need be? Can you take some time off? Maybe special unpaid leave if you haven't any annual leave? You sound as close as a sister to your bf to me and this lady means a great deal to you so you can't be expected to be emotionally detached whilst this is going on. It is going to affect you while you wait for the results and then afterwards when the treatment or whatever takes place. I hope that helps a bit.

Original poster

Moomin · 01/05/2007 23:02

Thank you. I think the thing with letting people know at work is that they truely don't actually understand if it's not your actual mum or whatever - I found that out when my cousin died. My closet friends know the situation about my mum and my 'mum-substitutes' but most people can't cope with bereavement imo anyway, it stresses them out seeing other people lose control, and they also think it's weird to be like this over someone who isn't your actual parent or whatever. so I don't feel like I can bring it out in the open at work at the moment. I work p/t so I don't have to go in again until Thursday anyway. I spoke to the nurse at work though today -she helped me when I had my wobble and she advised me to talk about it and not bottle things up. Dh is brilliant but I'm frightened if I start crying I won't stop.

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linjasmom · 02/05/2007 20:57

I think it's perfectly alright to feel like you feel. Maybe you can really tell her how worried you are? I know I would have appreciated that. My Ma died two years ago and I am still grateful when people tell me how much THEY miss her and how important she was for them. Maybe it would help your bf to hear it as well? She probably knows anyway, but it's nice to hear. Maybe it would help her get through these days, knowing she's not alone with her fears. Sorry if I am rambling, hope this makes sense. Wish you all the best....

RedtartanLass · 02/05/2007 21:13

You are certainly not a fraud!!! You are worried about 2 people you love. IMO your friend will be glad of your love and support. When my mum died a good friend was very distressed,and I felt touched that someone who didn't even know my mum felt that my mum had touched her life to that extent.

Not sure if that makes any sense at all.

You still don't know what the diagnosis is, but I'm sure this is awaking all memories, pain and hurt from your mum, aunties and counsins death.

Tell your friend how you feel, I'm sure she'd like to know how much her mum means to you. Even though I'm sure she knows already.

Thinking of you all.

RedtartanLass · 02/05/2007 21:14

Meant to say didn't know my mum very well

Original poster

Moomin · 02/05/2007 22:21

Thank you. I did text my friend today to say she wasn't to worry that I couldn't support her just because I cried the other day. I wanted her to know she doesn't have to try to be strong just because she doesn't cry easily and people assume she's ok. She totally understands the relationship her mum and I have - she said she'd be just the same if anything happened to my dad; we've all known each other such a long time. They'll know on Friday anyway, so fingers crossed......

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RubyRioja · 02/05/2007 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedtartanLass · 02/05/2007 22:45

RubyRioja - that's exactly what I was trying to say.

SimplySparkling · 04/05/2007 12:29

Moomin Thinking of you today with the results due. I don't do this often but {{hugs}}

Also, if you don't mind Moomin, I'd just like to say a quick hello to my friend Ruby from the FLY threads. I've not seen you for a while Ruby. I hope you're okay.

RubyRioja · 04/05/2007 16:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Moomin · 05/05/2007 23:19

I texted my bf this morning but she didn't reply so I texted her mum this afty and said I was thinking about them all and I hoped she was ok... but still no reply which is unusual for my bf's mum esp who always texts me back quickly.

Can't ehlp thinking if it was good news one of them would've let me know it was ok to put me out of my misery. Think either their phones are off for weekend so they can get their heads round things or they just can't bring themselves to 'talk' to anyone else just yet. Am fearing bad new unfortunately . Thanks for your thoughts - will post if i hear anything.

OP posts:

tubismybub · 05/05/2007 23:22

hope you here some positive news soon

Original poster

Moomin · 06/05/2007 14:00

My bf phoned me this morning - yes it's stomach cancer and unfortuntely it's in her liver as well. My bf is being very brave. Feel numb. It's very surreal.

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linjasmom · 06/05/2007 22:45

I wish you and esp your bf and her mum the best!! Keeping my fingers and everything else crossed.

Uki · 07/05/2007 05:34

Moomim

I 'm so sorry to hear this, it must be understandbly hard right now.

I don't think you need to feel weird or confused, your BF mum is someone very close and dear to you. It doesn't matter that she is not a blood relative, you have a strong bond with her, and that's why it hurts.

I think you should describe her as that "someone close to you", as that's what she is.

I also think your bf would value to hear, you are also so worried and concerned, you don't have to be strong, you can cry together.

You will help her just by listening and sharing and being together.

I hope that helps and I hope that there is some better news at the end of the week for you both.

SimplySparkling · 07/05/2007 07:06

So very sorry to hear that Moomin. I don't know what to post. Thinking of you. {{{hugs}}}

Ruby I understand that it is a very emotionally hard time for you. Remember, you know where to find us. Even if you just come on and post "Hello", it would be good to hear from you. I understand what you mean about it taking up too much time sometimes.

SherlockLGJ · 07/05/2007 07:25

Oh Moomin.

Original poster

Moomin · 08/05/2007 23:32

Looks like weeks or months left at the most from what the oncologist said today. It's all happening so fast. Can't take it in. It's my bf's son's b'day tomorrow

OP posts:

Uki · 08/05/2007 23:51

Very sorry to hear that Moomin.

Wishing you and poor bf mum lots of strength.

Califrau · 09/05/2007 00:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Califrau · 10/05/2007 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Moomin · 11/05/2007 16:16

Thanks so much for asking.
Up and down is the answer really. I had a couple of days when I was fine; able to tell a few mutual friends of ours without getting too upset and I guess I went into 'work' mode to help get through, and work was busy. Today however has been really hard. REALLY hard.

I saw her today for the first time since the diagnosis. Dh and I were in town and we were just discussing seeing bf's mum and I was saying I was scared in case I showed in my reaction how upset I was because I didn't want to upset her. And it was really freaky because dh looked up and said 'there she is'. And bf and her partner were walking into a shop, supporting her mum who was shuffling along and looking frail and much thinner. So I ran over and gave her a big hug and she just held me to her and kissed my cheek and my face lots of times and stroked my hair. She told me she was still going on holiday tomorrow with her friend and she laughed and said 'even if I don't come back! I'm going to have a bloody good time!' and then held my arm as I spoke to bf and she stroked bf's hair as we were talking and it was just so absolutely heartbreaking but we all tried to be upbeat and she said 'Look after bf. But I'll see you when I get back, I promise.' and then we went home and I had to go to meet some people for lunch and I managed to keep it toegther all that time but I've been crying in between times because it's all so sad and I keep thinking about how soft her skin was when she kissed me and how she made such a fuss of dd2 and said that she was beautiful. I@m so so sad today.

OP posts:

Original poster

Moomin · 11/05/2007 16:16

OP posts:

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