My amazing Nan

[readyforapummelling]

My amazing Nanna passed away this week. She was 78 and fit as a fiddle. It's come as a massive shock, I was working in London on Wednesday and my mum waited for me to arrive home in Manchester at about 8pm to tell me. I am heartbroken but I am OBSESSED with when she died and it's torturing me. We are a really close family, call each other every day etc. My Aunt found my Nanna on the landing on Wednesday morning and it looked like she was on her way back to bed and she had collapsed.
We are all telling ourselves that she died on Tuesday night however there are signs that it could have been Monday night and she was left there on the landing until Wednesday morning. This thought makes me want to scream.

Nan usually spends Tuesdays with Mum and my DD whilst I work but as nan told us she had British Gas coming round Mum just said call me after they have been. We found a sorry we missed you card in the hall from British Gas, I found her tv mag (which she followed like the bible) on Mondays page.

Why did none of us ring or go round on Tuesday? What if she was lay there wondering why nobody would come to help? I can't get past it and it's consuming me. From what I've been told by my mum Rigor Mortis had set in and I've been obsessively googling Rigor timelines to try and work it out. I know how morbid that is but I can't stop myself. Mum saw her before the coroners took her and she said she looked very peaceful like she was asleep. I'm getting no comfort from this as all I keep thinking is my beautiful kind lovely Nanna was forgotten and left on the landing. There are so many things I wish I had told her.

I am full of regrets, I wish I'd called round more, offered more help with her food shopping, cuddled her more. I've let life get in the way of what is most important. My nan would have done anything for me and I was too busy with fucking work to drop in for a cup of tea.

How can I deal with this? I lost my equally lovely grandad 10 years almost to the day and just keep telling myself how happy they must be to see each other.
Sorry for the long post but any words of wisdom on dealing with a guilt ridden grief would be much welcomed.

readyforapummelling so sorry for your loss⚘
I'm no expert but I think it's natural to think of all the 'what ifs ' when a loved one dies.
My dad died 4 months ago and I still sometimes torture myself about his death and the circumstances.
I'm guessing there will be a post mortem that may bring answers for you? Hopefully (in the nicest way) she passed quickly with no pain.
Do you feel counselling would help you? it's early days but something to think about.
Be kind to yourself⚘

Thanks for replying and I'm really sorry to hear about your dad. It's so unfair isn't it? Something that happens to us all but we feel utterly done over when we lose someone we love. Nan is having a post-mortem on Thursday so I'm hoping for some answers. I just wish I had rang her and I hate myself for all the times when I could have picked up the phone but I was "too tired" or couldn't be bothered. Seems so trivial now.

I need to be strong for my mum and she is being a crutch of support for me. It seems so backwards. I will think about counselling after the post mortem and see how I can process any new information we can get. If it comes back that it was very quick and there was nothing anybody could have done, I think I can accept that.

I think I'm posting on here because I don't want to speak to Mum about it, it's nice to have somewhere to put all the things I'm thinking and have someone impartial to spill the beans to without worrying about upsetting my Mum.

Gaaahhh I just want to scream but I have an 11 month old and she is like a tiny therapist in herself. I'd be lost without her. DD helps my mum too.

Hi Ready, I am so sorry for your loss. As the prev poster has said, when someone dies it's so easy to go through the 'what ifs..' and I think everyone does this. I have certainly gone over the circumstances of my loved ones' passings. Someone said to me that you can't go through life anticipating everyone's passings though and this brought me some comfort and I hope it does for you too. It sounds like your Nan was very much a part of your family's life day to day and I am glad you're now there to support each other. My DD (then a baby) was a brilliant source of happiness during some dark times and I'm sure your little one will be as well :)

Hi, I lost my wonderful Grandad 2 weeks ago, we just buried him on Fri.
I just wanted to send a hug, as it hurts however you lose them. X