No one cares

[yesithappenedtome]

Apologies in advance for a very self indulgent woe-is-me post. I just need to get it out.

My DH died in an accident 10 years ago when he was just 34 and I was 8 months pregnant with our 3rd DC.

It was his birthday yesterday. Some of his close family members came to visit the grave. They didn't tell me they were coming but my mum text me the day before to tell me they would be coming to her for coffee afterwards if I wanted to join them. I text her back thanking her for letting me know but that I didn't feel up to it. Never even got a reply. And no texts or calls at all yesterday. I made a cake and me and the children lit the candle and made a wish (which is our tradition on his birthday every year). But I feel so sad that no one, not even my own family, asked me if I'm ok or even sent a text just to say they were thinking of me. Pathetic I know but there we go

I’m sorry to hear that and totally understand how it’s made you feel lonely and sad. My brother died in a car accident a few years ago so I know how difficult anniversaries can he.

I expect your friends and family would be upset to know they’ve hurt you. I think it can be difficult for people to know what to do for the best sometimes as they might worry that reminding you about it will upset you, or they might take the fact that you weren’t up to going to the grave to mean you didn’t want to mark the anniversary because it was too painful. Sometimes people just forget anniversaries - they’re not meaning to be unkind but everyone has busy lives and miss the date. Not many of my friends remember my brothers anniversary but if I put something on Facebook I get lots of messages - people do care but they just need a reminder and to know that you are ok talking about it.

Wishing you all the best - what you went through is terrible and as you know it never goes away, but you have got through 10 years which must have taken a lot of strength and courage and I’m sure your partner would have been very proud.

Thank you for your reply 😊. I do understand people are busy and distracted (god knows I am the worst for remembering dates etc!). I think what hurts most is that my own mum happily hosted the in laws but never even replied to my text saying I didn't feel up to joining them, nothing. I wouldn't expect anything from my in laws as they have never done anything in 10 years to help or support me

Oops posted too soon! I've got used to not expecting much any emotional support over the years. I don't know why it still gets to me sometimes.

I'm so sorry
I think people are just not very good at dealing with grief after the initial early period of time.
It must be so tough for you.

Sorry I meant other people are not very good at dealing with friends/relatives grief

for you OP, I'm so sorry.

I haven't lost a DH but bereavement from the deaths of close family members has been, and I believe will continue to be, very lonely for me, and I see the same for other family and friends. Grief is so personal, and people can be very thoughtless.

I am sure though that your DC get a lot out of you marking the occasion as a family. Perhaps you could mention it to your mum in a while when it's a more neutral time.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry for your loss and that people are so insensitive. I just wanted to say that your tradition with your children on his birthday sounds truly lovely. My DF died when I was a child and we didn't do anything like that and I would have loved it.

People forget or don't realise that those touched by grief are never the same again - we might look the same and act the same sometimes but at our core something has irrevocably changed. for you and your DC.

Thank you so much everyone for your lovely messages. Wollstone you hit the nail on the head there, about people not realising how much grief and bereavement changes you. I am an entirely different person than the one I was ten years ago. I have perfected the brave face and I suppose people assume I am "over" it and just don't realise that I might need a bit of tlc sometimes. I'm so used to hiding my feelings and being strong for the DC, that I think that it makes people very uncomfortable when occasionally my guard drops and I show that perhaps I'm not really ok underneath it all.

You are living the horror that we all fear, no one wants to look it in the face. Try not to take it personally, it is just human nature. Don't hide your feelings too much from your DC, I'm not saying you do, but they need to know it is ok to talk about him, cry about him etc.

Are your friends supportive?

OP I just wanted to add that your post has really helped me to crystallise some things in my mind. Sadly my wonderful DH has an incureable cancer. At the moment we are very grateful that it is being controlled but that won't always be the case and the positive way that you remember your DH is a real lesson for me. Interestingly I also know already how those 'later' years could play out for me. I have a great family who will undoubtably give incredible support initially but there will definitely an expectation to move on and not 'upset yourself' further down the line. You've reinforced the need to give myself the permission to do just that.
I hope today has been better for you.

I've just realised that makes no sense ! I mean give myself permission to remember.

I hear you yesithappenedtome.
It isn't even 2 years since my 27 year old son died in horrific circumstances.
Already, so many people have moved on. I am frozen in a nightmare of grief. I will never be the same again.
I am so sorry for your loss and the fact that you have to endure the insensitivity of people who should be more thoughtful.

I just wanted to let you know that I care op

for you, yesithappenedtome, I'm moved to tears by your posts, and those of endofthelinefinally and Wollstoncratf1, the bits about being changed as a person. That's how I feel.

I hear you. I’m so terribly sorry for your loss..
And I do know about the changing. It’s very hard for me anyhow to explain verbally; but I do get it.
And I feel for you.