Help with loss of sibling

[Diaryofapeabody]

Just before Christmas, suddenly, my brother died.
I’m struggling really with what I’m posting; without going into too much detail, I’m consoling the ‘ closest ‘ bereaved. That’s not the issue. The issue is that I’m also grieving but that grief isn’t seen. I’m the strong one apparently and it feels a very lonely position.!

So, what I’m asking here is, is this something anyone else can identify with and if so, how have you managed.?
Thank you so much for any responses.

When my dd died, I didn't grieve I was completely numb. I was also pregnant at the time and thought I had to hold it together for the baby.

It's not good to hold your grief in, I completely lost it in the end. Eventually I got counselling which did help.
Do you have someone you can talk to?
Sorry for your loss.

Thank you Parkhead, I’m so very sorry for your loss. I hope you are ok and that counselling has helped you.
I don’t really have anyone in real life who can help. I feel terribly isolated as the ‘ coping one ‘ and I’m really struggling with this position.

That sounds hard, my DH was the coping one. It's still very early day's for you. Your probably still in shock.
Is it your parents your supporting?

Op I don’t have any helpful advice but just wanted to say I’m so sorry your brother has died

Tomorrow it's four years since my brother died suddenly. I saw your post and couldn't pass by.
I understand you.
I realised I was getting over it and the pain was immense. In the end I contacted Cruse. They were great. I saw one of their counsellors weekly for a year. It allowed me the time and opportunity to cry or get cross or just be sad in a safe understanding environment.
I would heartily advise you to reach out to them too. It's too hard to deal with this alone
I wish you luck and future happiness x

Thanks everyone I do really appreciate your kindness.
My mum and sister in law ( childless ) are the people closest to the loss if you will.
We are all still trying to come to terms with a sudden death. But I feel terribly alone. People actually walked past me at the funeral to condole, for example, with my mum.
Please don’t misunderstand me here. Grief isn’t a competitive sport, I’m not seeking any special status and, so as not to drip feed, am I alone. My younger brother is also ‘ invisible ‘ to some.

I think I’m asking what do you do when you hurt too and those nearest to you cannot respond. Can anyone share experiences? ( disclaimer: I’m sorry if you can )

Thank you bagel baby. I’m so very sorry for your loss, and hope you are ok x

We all grieve in different ways and at different times. Quite a lot of people go into "getting things sorted" mode when someone they love dies, and don't grieve until much later. Others 'fall apart' at the time. Neither is right nor wrong.
I know when my Mum died we all felt really guilty somehow at wanting to crack on with sorting things out - sorting her room, her clothes, etc as something practical to do whilst all being in the house and not needing to be making the funeral arrangements or dealing. I'm sure some folk would think that odd, but it just was what it was. We all grieved (and still do sometimes, many years on) in our own way in the coming weeks and months.
Same when my sister dies suddenly, and all the extra practical arrangements that came with that (Inquest, etc.). Some people do just go into 'practical mode' and grieve on their own, later.

Bagel baby, I meant to say I get your understanding. Thank you. It means a lot - much more than this posting allows. Thank you. I feel less lonely.

Im so sorry to hear about your brother, Diary and about your losses Parkhead and Bagel

I can identify with what I think you mean. When my brother died (over 10 years ago now), obviously my parents were the worst hit and I was "strong".

I second the suggestion that you try to speak to someone who can support you whilst you are supporting others. I never contacted Cruse though have heard many good things about the support they can provide. Can you turn to your younger brother and vice versa?

If possible try to take some comfort from the knowledge that you are doing an amazing thing in being able to comfort and support others, though maybe this is easier to see in retrospect. And be kind to yourself, try to take some time alone and process your own grief too.

Eventually the grief fog cleared for me. I'm not sure when, I think it just happened gradually so that now, whilst it's still always there, it's easier to live with. I hope that you will in time reach that place too xxx

Read your post and just wanted to say I'm so sorry.

Op I lost my young adult son suddenly 2 years ago and as horrible as it seems I didn't have the strength to think of my 2 children and how they were feeling as honestly all my energy was being used up on taking my next breath.
Those who have lost children may be able to relate to the feeling of utter chaos, panic, despair ..infact there isn't a word yet invented to get close to the feeling

.... however now 2 years later only now can I comprehend my children's feelings. You have not only lost your brother but your mother too (for now) ... take it from a bereaved mum you are doing an incredible job and eventually things will return but to a new normality. You will each have your unique roles and may find that the roles will be reversed many times and maybe that in a month or two down the line your mum is the strong one and you the one who needs the constant support

I'm sending warm thoughts to yourself and the family for your journey. My biggest piece of advice to you is 'to be kind to yourself ' take one breathe, one minute, one step, one day at a time.

Not too long in the future you'll find the ability to share the burden. It's such early days and from experience your still hoping that it's a mistake and it's all been a dream

I know my children were in your shoes - everybody had their role.
Talk talk and talk more. Don't worry about being the strong one but I can relate to that too... just be you and do what feels right

Sorry if my post doesn't make sense but I just want to say that siblings can be overlooked at this stage but this is the shock/numbness and re evaluation period

Don't be scared to make appt with someone. Your feelings will change daily. There is no right or wrong and I do appreciate that because of your loss and you carrying the burden at times it may feel like the whole family has been lost. This again was normal whilst we each made sense (or tried to) of our roles to play and of the huge huge gap that was left

Be kind to yourself and I really am sending positive thoughts.💐

Thank you so much. I hadn’t thought about trying to get external support but now it’s pointed out, it does seem such a good idea.

Thank you all for replying. It’s so appreciated because I do know that all of you walk in my shoes, and my heart goes out to you , and I hold your hands.
Thank you. X

Cathycake: thank you. I’m in tears for you but I wanted you to know how grateful I am for your kind words and for sharing your story.

I cannot begin to say how grateful I am for all the kindness and sharing. It helps so much, much more than you know, and I do want to say that I feel such compassion for all suffering a bereavement.

Thank you so very much, because whilst each bereavement is a lonely journey, all those kind words are like hands helping you through.
Thank you. It is helping x

Diary, for some reason sharing with strangers was easy and probably is for you too as there is no need to act brave or wear that mask

I struggle to talk to my family about my feelings but yet can tell a random shopkeeper comfortably..how bloody bizarre is that one!

It's what kept me going in the first few months but eventually that will change too. I'm not sure what the bereavement forum is like on MN as I try not to look (being kind to myself) but your post came up in my feed for some reason and my heart hurt for you.

People like yourself will in return forward your words of comfort on, how you coped etc. It seems impossible to think now but we all help each other

Compassionate friends is a good site/ forum and there is also a site for siblings on the compassionate friends site which I know are often overlooked and carry a whole bunch of the grief for everyone.

💐

I'm so very sorry for your loss, Diary. My brother died suddenly in the Autumn and due to the 'comforting role' I'm finding that it's only now that I'm really able to begin to grieve. As other posters have suggested, getting external help is a positive way forward. Also, are you close enough to your younger brother to talk about this? Grief is so individual even within a family but a sibling will have a special understanding. Finding time to process your own pain will be so important so don't hesitate to speak to friends about this too so that they can hopefully support you as you support others - sometimes it's as simple as having someone listen, being heard and having validation that your feelings count too. You'll be in my thoughts.

I can really relate to this. Sorry for your loss OP.
My older brother died when I was 13. My mum completely disregarded any pain that me and my siblings were feeling, even though it was like an atomic bomb going off in my life. I still have pain about it today and if I'm honest, resentment towards my mother who made me feel like the only one who was entitled to feel grief was her because she was the mother. I am completely unable to talk about that dark time in my life, certainly not with any family members. I wish our family was better at talking to each other...I probably would be holding onto less pain if that were the case.

so very sorry for your loss.

I second the getting outside help -someone for you to talk to about your grief and your loss.

The thing is it is a huge life-changing loss even though you are probably supporting your parents through their terrible loss.

My dh's brother died when he was 8. The brother who died was younger. It is the single most emotional and defining moment of my dh's life (he is in his 50s). He has gone on to have a lovely and loving life but he thinks about his brother every single day of it and it shapes his emotional landscape (and that of his siblings). Don't underestimate how significant this death is in your life. That your parents are more bereft doesn't change that you are utterly bereft yourself.

OP, so sorry your dear brother has died. I have lost two siblings over the last 15 years and in my experience siblings are very much forgotten/ignored bereaved.

Slightly different as both of my siblings had disabilities, but I found their deaths impacted my relationship with my parents negatively as they have been unable to support me. I have struggled with that and had counselling. I've also found support from a couple of close friends who have also lost siblings, and a group for bereaved siblings. Compassionate Friends, mentioned by pp, is worth a look. I believe they have specific events for siblings.

Can you and your younger brother support each other? You will likely need external support, and that's OK. I have found bereavement counselling very helpful, although started over a year after my brother's death. I believe it will be something I will return to from time to time as well.

Be gentle with yourself and take time to think about what's happened and remember your brother in your own way

I understand what you're saying OP. My brother died almost four years ago, and people always ask me how my mum is. In fact, my work gave me flowers and she said 'I should have got those' (she is lovely otherwise!). Sibling grief is notoriously underacknowledged, but we've actually lost a really important relationship: someone to grow old with, to lean on when our parents die, etc.

As Lucky says, this is a recognised “thing”, evidenced by, for example, fewer support groups, books, charities etc than those for losing a partner, parent, or child.

Your loss is huge and needs to be acknowledged.

I'm so sorry for your loss
I lost my brother when I was 26 and he was 35. I am 58 now and I would say it has affected me deeply all my life, my sister feels the same way. As a PP said it is a very specific kind of grief, it is somehow 'wrong' as in not the right order of things to lose a young sibling. You kind of expect to outlive your parents, but not necessarily your siblings. I also felt a huge amount of guilt - guilt that is was him not me somehow.
I fet I had to be strong, to support my parents, and not show my grief. It did not actually hit me util about 2/3 months after he died when I found myself out in town and just suddenly became overwhlemed with tears and had to rush home sobbing.
I still miss him so much.

I met someone about ten years ago who became a very dear friend, she had lost a borther when she was 13, and she lent me abook about sibling grief and how to learnt to cope. I'm sorry I can't remember the name of it, but there are several books on amazon on this subject and it might be worth a look, to find out all the things you are feeling are quite normal and to elp you work out your feelings.

I do think siblings often get forgotten, very naturally everyone is comforting the bereaved parents. I had people say some really very bizarre and insensitive things to me as if I were some kind of outsider in the whole thing. People asking me about autopsy result etc because they 'didn't want to upset my parents' as if I would be Ok with that.

Sorry to have talked about my experience, this is about you and your feelings, but I hope you can find some literature on sibling loss to look at and find some people to talk to in a similar situation. Poepl who have lost siblings totally get what you are going through and I would try bereavement groups, Cruise, or whatever you have locally, to see if you can find anyone in a similar situation to share your thoughts with.

Just seen this. It's 40 years since my brother died aged 21 in a road accident. My parents quite understandably turned to one another in their grief and I remember feeling quite excluded. I miss my brother still. It was particularly bad when my parents needed a lot of care and more so when they died within six months of each other.

All I can say is that you don't get over it but you do get used to it. I imagine I'll miss my brother to the day I die but the rawness has gone. Over the years the open wound has become a scar.

I feel for you. If you need professional help, please get it. And if you need someone to listen dm me. I've been where you are.

I lost my brother 2 years ago (it feels so weird saying that, it feels like yesterday) and I too took on the role of comforter.
I sympathise with another poster who said people always asked after her mum.
The way I felt was that my brother was the only person who knew exactly where I came from, exactly what our childhood was like. Losing that as well as losing him was huge.
Love to you OP, losing a sibling is dreadful xx

I’m back.
I’ve had to be in a bit of a bubble for a bit, but thanks to the bravery and kindness of every person who has posted, I have climbed out.
And it is entirely up to all of you and every loss shared that I’m here writing.
Thank you. I’m still crying. So are you. But you have helped so much : Dirtyprettything you said it all.

Thank you everyone. I am holding your hands and you have become my friends .

What you describe is so common.
I have lost a sibling, in my teens, and a grown up child.
I am very aware of what you are experiencing.
Compassionate friends have a siblings group. I would recommend that you get in touch with them.
So sorry for your loss.