Just need someone to listen

[tess01]

I had a miscarriage 13 weeks ago and i thought i was getting on my feet again. I was dreading coming close to my due or hearing of some having a baby due around same date because i new it would knock me for six. Well that I was dreading happened happened yesterday, I was at college yesterday and a friend made an announcement that she was 13 weeks pregnant which has shook me to the core. This being because its counted that this little babys life started within days of my babys life ending and im finding it so hard to come to terms with. ive also got to say though i dont wish any harm to them, I wouldnt wish a miscarriage on anybody. Thanks for reading, it helps to think i can say what im feeling to someone as not many people no that i had a miscarriage. thx

i had a miscarraige years ago - it does get easier. it is still early days, so it is totally normal that you feel this way

Hi Tess. It is totally normal what you are feeling. I m/c last year. At first I was just focusing on becoming strong and well again and coping with my grief.

It is a rocky road, some days you will be strong, others something will set you off, just like this.

A friend of mine has a baby the same age as mine would have been had I not lost it and that can be tough. You are bound to think what if?

It is hard, you will never forget, but you will become further away from the pain that you can think about it without becong upset.

Take care.

Sympathies are with you..

I know what you're going through, my friend gave birth on the day I lost my first baby.
I couldn't be happy for her in the slightest. It took weeks to go and see the baby, and even then I didn't hold her.

Years on, I have 2 little boys. And it's a distant, though still painful memory.
I just believe it wasn't meant to be.

It gets easier. I promise

(((tess))) I know how you feel hun. I had a m/c in january and am struggling with due dates/babies etc. Something someone says can throw me off and really upset me. It does get easier in time (I have m/c before) but takes a long while to grieve your very significant loss while alot other people don't seem to get it i find. (((hugs))) xx

I found as soon as I had passed my due date I could move on a little. Up untill then I was always thinking I'd be 6/7 etc months pregnant by now.

Even now I occasionally think Id have a 7 month old by now. But I can snap myself out of it nowadays.

Have you done anything to special to remember your lost baby by?

Thank you all for your kind support. It helps to no its normal to feel the way I do and that in time it will get easier. No I have not done anything special to remember the baby I lost, I find it difficult to no what i could do

I find it difficult that i dont have anything to remember my loss by

When I m/c some people suggessted planting a tree or a bush, or writing a letter to your baby, taking a long walk with dh along the beach tehndestroying the letter. I couldn't find anything thet felt 'right'

A very good friend of mine bought me a beautiful samsonite crystal to remember it by. I keep it in a draw, and if I feel upset I get it out and hold it and think about it. Then when I'm done I put it back.

I take it out less and less nowadys, but it helped so much to have it.

Thank you, i will think of something to have to remember my loss by, it might help me feel less alone because i could have something to see or hold when im feeling sad. thx

Hi Tess,
I mc in September of last year. I had good times in between, but right now I am very low as well. Three of my friends are pg and act completely unaware that it hurts each time I see them (although I told them). They keep repeating I should get over it. I am really offended by how ostensivley they wear tight shirts and show off their bellies, knowing what I have been going though -- somehow even a little air under a wider pullover would already help me. My due date has passed now and I had high hopes that things would get a little easier, but to be honest I just think that the little one one be 3 weeks now and how it would grow. I am stretches were I do not hurt like toaday, but sometimes it is very hard.

I got some lovely memorial candles off ebay for my babies with the date on and a little message xx

I am sorry to hear of your loss. I know how difficult it is to deal with someone being due around the same date as it means that you are all the time confronted with your alternate reality if things had worked out. I am in the reverse situation at the moment in that one of my colleague's partner's was pg and due around the same time as me. I am still pg, but she had a m/c and I am very conscious that my baby will (hopefully) arrive when theirs was due. It would be worse if I had worked with her, rather than him.

My sister lit candles for my lost babies and that helped me feel a bit better. Some people on here have planted plants in their gardens which is a lovely idea. Dh doesn't know it, but I have also decided to plant lilac trees for the babies who didn't make it as a result of their suggestions. I think it's just important to mark the fact that your baby did exist even if it never made it.

Hi Mumpbump. It was interesting that you brought up being in the other role. I had a very, very close friend, who is due just 5 weeks after I would have been (i.e., in 2 weeks, I miscarried in september) . When I told her that it is very difficult for me when she talks with others about the plans for her baby (maternity leave, work issues, travelling during maternity leave, daycare...) in general settings, e.g. at lunch, and that I hope she understands that I will might leave the discussion in these circumstances, she said she wanted to break our friendship off and has not talked to me since. I tried to clarify many times what I meant, that I wish her all the best, that I didn't want to hurt her and that I don't suggest she doesn't talk about her dreams and plans, just do not want to be part of it, because it is just too painful. She still doesn't talk to me and by now I have given up and am at least as hurt as she must be.
Do you understand at all, what might be going on inside her?

Sorry to hear that she is acting like that. Is it her first baby? I suspect that she might be hurt that you are not taking an interest in what is no doubt a very important life event for her, albeit that your reasons are understandable, at least to me as someone who has had a m/c. I know how hurt I was that one of my friends never showed an interest in my pg or in visiting after ds was born.

I think the difficulty is that unless you have had a m/c, you cannot begin to imagine how painful it is or how difficult it might be for someone who has had a m/c to be around pg people. Even my sister who is very pro-life said stuff like "well, it was only a group of cells at that stage, not like it was a really living baby". No comment!

I'm sure it will come around in time and, fingers crossed, if this pg works out for you, you will both be able to admire each others babies at some point in the future...

mumpbump
thx for opening my eyes to how my friend would feel if I told her that Ive had the miscarriage. I had been on two minds to take her into my confidence and tell her what had happened, I was thinking of doing this because i feel she senses im feeling uncomfortable around her and id thought it would help. Obviously im not going to say anything now because this would make her feel uncomfortable around me. This I dont want, i dont want her to feel uncomfortable me or feel guilty, i want her to enjoy being pg like it should be.

thx again

Thx again to everyone for the support, i have not thought of anything as yet that feels right to remember my baby by, but i no one day something will come to me that will feel right.

Hello tess I'm so sorry for your loss I'm pretty sure I'm in middle of my 2nd MC and last week my friend in work announced she was pg and her due date is the same as mine would be so I know how you feel. I've been suprised how well I've coped so far but she is a lovely girl and is so exited about her baby. I haven't told her whats happening as I feel exactly like you I want her to feel she can talk to me and not feel uncomfortable.
I bought a collectable teddy bear to remember my 1st lost lo I'm rubbish with gardening but I thought this teddy was never made to be played with so it seemed fitting (and I found it helped to have something to cuddle in my saddest moments).