My Stillborn Brother.. Advice Please.

[Apocalyptichorsewoman]

Long story - will try to condense.

Basically am 48. My Dad died in 1994 aged 61. Then in 2015 my Mum died aged 81. Then 6 months later my Sister died of a rare autoimmune condition aged 49. They were all buried in the local cemetery as Dad had purchased a 3 person grave plot so they are all together - all wearing fluffy socks ( which was my own contribution!)

I'm the only one left and it's been a rollercoaster but am doing ok.

But something is midering me. In 1963 my mum had a stillborn baby. She had already had a miscarriage previously. But this baby made it to term, but was stillborn. He was a boy, and they called him Keith. They then went on to have my sister then me.

Mum talked about this baby, Keith. How she never got chance to see him, although my Dad did. He said he was perfect, but blue. She was sent home with tablets which my Dad promptly flushed down the toilet and she got on with it.

She never forgot our Keith. He was apparently buried in a mass plot in the cemetery that was for stillborn babies. There is a grassy area not far from Mum, Dad, and Sister where it is acknowledged that the neonates went - now there is a SANDS monument there in memory which appeared a few years ago.

It niggles me that Mum and Dad had such a loss that wasn't dealt with well, and also that my Brother is out there somewhere unmarked and unacknowledged. I plan to have a plaque added to their gravestone with his name etc. Does this sound maudlin? Also I would like more information as to where he is exactly.

I just want to feel that they are all together?

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can go about this?

Firstly, so sorry for the terrible time you’ve had.

If the local council manage the cemetery, they may be able to give you more information on your brother’s grave. However, attitudes were very different then and the “just get on with it” and “don’t talk about it” ideas were prevalent, as I know from my own family.

It sounds like this is something you need to do for your parents and it will help you too, so go for it.

This is a quick reply sorry. It sounds like a lovely thing to do. Can you have anything added to the gravestone if there is one ? I'm so sorry for what you've been through. You sound very kind and thoughtful xx

The hospital where he was born may have records of where he was buried or cremated. The Chaplain at our local hospital helped an 80 something year old find her stillborn baby before she herself died a few years ago. I think it took persistence and lots of phone calls but she eventually tracked down the grave.

The difficulty may be that at that time many stillborn babies were placed in adult coffins for burial or cremation to save the family the trauma and expense of a funeral. We think differently nowadays.

My grandmother apparently had at least two children apart from my mother and my aunt, but we've never been able to find out much about them or what happened to them - as MidLife says, for many in that generation you just didn't talk about losses. It's lovely that you care enough to make so much effort though.

If adding a marker to the grave itself doesn't work out for any reason, does the cemetery have an area where you could ask to plant a tree with a memorial plaque or perhaps dedicate a bench?

I have suffered still birth and a late miscarriage. It is so, so sad how stillbirth was dealt with in the past.

I know that Sands will help try and trace information about still born babies and help find where they were buried.

I have to say I thi k adding a plaque to their graves is a lovely idea. It will somehow feel more complete.

I am so sorry for your losses.

That's a lovely idea.

My grandad purchased 9 plots - enough for his parents/inlaws and his children (my parents/siblings) and partners. My Dad is buried there.

When his Mum died ( my nanna) she was cremated but my Mum got a plaque made for her and my grandad and had it placed in the cremation area of the ground but in direct line of my Dads plot, as it made Mum feel they were "together" too. The ashes were scattered elsewhere but it just feels "right" that they are all together.

Thank you so much for your replies - it's a difficult time of year and you have somehow made it easier!

The hospital he was born in is no longer there unfortunately - they built a new district general just before I was born. But contacting SANDS and the council that runs the cemetery sounds like a good idea.

I think it would be possible to add on a plaque to the gravestone because it was mooted as a possibility when my sister died because there was only room for my mums name on the existence gravestone but I went for a new gravestone with room for my sister too. She would have come back to have words with me otherwise!

Kitty - am so sorry for your losses. I can't imagine how that must feel. I know my mum said that her arms felt empty when she left the hospital and I'm really sorry you had to go through that too.

I think a bit of my Mum died away that day - he was whisked away, she was put in a sideroom, put on tablets and it wasn't mentioned. She did talk about it to me and veered between feeling bewildered and bitter. I have a letter that my uncle ( her brother) wrote to her a few days afterwards - his own son had died aged two from pneumonia - and whilst sympathetic he exhorted her to think of God who had lost his own son and to put it behind her...

I will contact the cemetery and also SANDS. Thanks so much for your thoughts x

My mother had twin babies who died within a day of birth. She never saw them and never knew where they were buried. She rarely mentioned them, but there was always sadness there when she did. I contacted the local council with their names and date of birth, and they were able to tell me where they were (in a mass grave). It was just a few feet from where my dad now lays and where my mum will one day be.

When I told my mum she was very calm, but later she told her sister, and cried. My mum never cries! I'm so glad I found out for her, and hope it brought some closure for her.

I hope your local council are able to help. Good luck.

I can identify with this.
My Mum gave birth to a very prem baby boy, and due to his size, there was no suggestion, or attempt to resuscitate him. She was 30 weeks, so these days he would have stood a fighting chance.

They literally tried to wrap him up, and just remove him. My Mum asked to hold him, and the hospital staff were confused by her request.
She did hold him for as long as she was allowed. They then took him away, and my parents were not told what happened to him after that.

I can't believe that she was treated that way. It scarred her terribly, and she spent her second pregnancy on bed rest, with a cervical stitch to prevent a repeat situation.

His name was Mark. I think of him often.

to you all affected by this. It's so sad how this wasn't acknowledged years ago. I hope you find a solution and peace of mind op.

My second son, Thomas, was stillborn in 1977. I never saw him. He was buried in a communal, unmarked grave and I have no idea where it is. To me it doesn't matter. I'll miss him to my last breath and will always wonder what his life would have held. He's in my heart and that's what really matters.